Some modern thinking about autism is that it is not a disorder, not a mental illness. However, as autistics work their way through a world to which they may be very sensitive, their reactions to the world may produce impairments like anxiety and depression. This episode, I talk about ongoing bullying during the foundational years of puberty and adolescence. Later, a discussion on remembering that you, and everyone else, are human. Being a human is a complex business. Don't judge others or yourself too quickly ..read more

There are two parts to the recollections in this episode: The first part is a quick run through my teaching career which ran through thirty years. The second is about my family life through this time. Underpinning it all is the ragged emotional life I led as an undiagnosed autistic. Again, I remind the listener that the particular details of my life are unimportant. What is important is the unfolding effect of the interaction between the undiagnosed autistic self and the world. The message is 'I got through it, you can too ..read more

The story continues. I find love. I begin university again to qualify as a teacher. I lose love. I cry a lot. I was immature and wounded. I was impulsive and constantly swayed by the emotional storms in my mind. I apologise unreservedly to anyone who knew me then ..read more

We go into more detail about CPTSD, Complex Post Traumatic Disorder, and its causes and effects. For a person who is already unsure of their identity and their place in the world, years of bullying and the abandonment of loved ones can take a toll. It becomes easy to be angry and jealous and to displace that anger onto others. Thinking oneself is unworthy of love can make one distrustful and suspicious just when it appears that one is loved. Healthy bonding and attachment become nearly impossible for the person who is most desperate for it ..read more

The experience of trauma is divided into two parts: The event itself and our reactions to it. My traumas are objectively small-scale by any measurement. My responses to them and the warping of my psyche are significant. My autism predisposed me to experience these things through lenses of extreme sensitivity just as puberty arrived. Trying to find an authentic identity while being constantly told you are worthless and without value was always going to be fraught.  Thankfully, I am aware of this process and its effects on me and I know where my demons lie. That, at least, is something ..read more

I was fortunate to grow up as a young boy in a family where I felt safe, valued and loved. I know many were not. The outside world could be noisy and confusing but I could always retreat to the safety of my bed with a book in which I could lose myself. In this episode, you'll find out what I gained from my parents, genetic and otherwise. You'll also hear for the first time a little of my poetry and music which are the chief means by which I express the deeper feelings of my life ..read more

In those years before our understanding of autism began to grow, children like me had to learn to fit in or be placed in an institution. My desperate game of camouflage began early but not without significant cost. As a young child, without knowing I was autistic, I always felt an outsider. I was shy, sensitive and anxious. I knew I was odd. Perhaps parts of this experience may resonate with you. Then we can be odd, together ..read more

In this brief episode, I introduce myself and you get to know a little about me. The most important thing is this: I am a late-diagnosed older autistic man. It is my hope that my experiences might resonate with some listeners. In all of our struggles and triumphs, we are not alone and no matter how oddly unique or uniquely odd we might think we are there will always be some points of similarity. In the episodes to come, we will explore my autobiography which I can now review through the lens of autism. The shock of recognition and understanding was bracing and, at times, distressing, but I hop ..read more