Photo: Ana Venegas ..read more

Politically Correct Sonnet It’s time to run the Redskins out of town, The Braves as well—and Indians and Chiefs, The tomahawk chop, Chief Wahoo (Cleveland’s clown), And similar insensitive motifs. The Vatican objects, not once, but twice: To bounty-hunting “Saints,” for raising hell; To Devils, who do not belong on ice, Where they’ve been posted by the NHL. Belligerent, the Russians now demand A name change for the Reds they find obscene. Somalis want our Pirates to disband, And Royals are offensive to the Queen. Eagles, Blue Jays, Orioles, begone! (You’re being challenged by the Audubon.) — B ..read more

Firing the Fireman The fireman was fired today. The barber’s now on severance pay. Crestfallen are the lumberjacks Since their employment got the axe. The cobbler got the boot; what’s more, The carpenter was shown the door. And I’ve just learned, with some alarm, Of lay-offs at the poultry farm. The sailor got the old heave-ho; The trapeze artist was let go. The burlap weaver won’t be back Now that he too has got the sack. Redundant is the copyist. The beauty pageant queen? Dismissed. Designers of her lingerie Were given their pink slips today. Discharged, the local electrician Currently seeks ..read more

The Book on Alex Rodriguez He seeks out BioGenesis To help him beat Ruth’s Numbers And Barry’s tainted Mark (boo! hiss!), While A-Rod’s Wisdom slumbers. If Judges don’t reject the facts Of Revelation‘s probe, It’s Exodus for him, whose Acts Refute his claim he’s Job. –Bob McKenty ..read more

An Honest College Brochure This playground was built just for you, so all of your dreams can come true. Check out the new residence we’ve built for our presidents so you’d have a beautiful view. We’re sensitive stewards who care for the delicate planet we share. We’re ranked “The Most Green” by High Times magazine, “Most Hipster” by Vanity Fair. Our campus has handsome young men who’ll provide for you, care for you when you’re healthy or sickly, but make your move quickly: the ratio’s seven to ten. The Ivy League played out of bounds by passing you by on the grounds that your math scores were ..read more

Naptime I nap on my back in the afternoon. If I do so at night, I gargle, and croon A phlegmatic and most unmelodious tune, So I nap on my back in the afternoon, And I wake from it fresh as a bird in flight. God’s in Her Heaven, and everything’s right with the world and the world is a beautiful sight. If only it looked that way at night! But at night I sleep on my side and groan An ugly, unmusical, elderly moan, And I wake in the middle and go take a piddle, And all that I see I would like to disown, Except for that woman who keeps putting up With this drivel I constantly pour in her cup. — Jo ..read more

Emily Dickinson Crushes on Edward Snowden I love—his pasty Skin— His Glasses—Intellectual— And most of all—his Lips—that blew— A Whistle—Ineffectual— If Amherst—were in Russia— Then He—were here with Me— We two Recluses—snowed in— A wintry Privacy— —Amit Majmudar ..read more

An Ideal Husband I wonder what on earth she could have meant, The day she left, by calling me a slob? I’m always there on time to pay the rent, Although, it’s true, with money from her job. When she gets home, a glass of wine is waiting Before she has to go and make our dinner; Then, while she does the chopping and the grating, I watch TV; does that make me a sinner? And every night, I help her do the dishes By making sure I don’t get in her way, So why she keeps insisting that she wishes I’d shift my butt, is more than I can say. I always lift the toilet-seat to pee, And sometimes even put it ..read more

Clinton and Clinton The critics didn’t stint on Their bile for William Clinton And also chose to pillory That other Clinton, Hillary. —Dennis Callegari ..read more

A Valentine from Jesus?? I found it on my windshield—that’s a fact— where some well-meaning soul had gently placed it, inscribed “Beloved in the Lord” and tacked behind a wiper blade. I hate to waste it. I’ve always thought Jesus was quite a dude and just as inspirational as Ghandi (Mahatma), who taught never to be rude whether you drive a Chevy or a Hondi. But now I fear I have been singled out. What Solomonic gesture netted me this card, unlike my neighbors all about? Wait, there’s a flash of light and now I see: It’s not that Jesus wants me any nearer. It’s just that Buddha hanging from the ..read more