I’ve done a fairly good job of fooling everyone into believing that I am a cold person. Some may even be under the impression that I simply don’t feel certain emotions but the truth is I feel them every second of the day and to the endth degree and it’s so incredibly painful. It’s been this way my entire life and I suspect this is why my Grandfather used to say “no one will ever understand me but there is absolutely nothing wrong with me”.  So I’ve learnt who I need to be in front of what type of person through trial and error. I strategically choose people for certain roles in my life in ord ..read more

I do not really know whether he will survives. I don’t know if I will in the end either. I think the only difference between back then and now was a moment that sparked something. As if to wake us up from the daze we’d been in for who knows how long. Just going through the motions, feeling nothing and just waiting it out until it’s all over.  I realise it’s scary but it’s only scary because we had been the other way for so long. Then I watch you hide and shut yourself off from the world more and more as though to protect yourself. The problem is you’re still awake and as hard as you try to bec ..read more

Let me start by saying you weren’t the first and you certainly won’t be the last person to come into my life and think that you could be the one to break who I am to be. Take a number because you’re not that special. Here’s the thing, I am easy going and extremely mailable and anything but susceptible to games people play. Its true that I fell the pain associated with their games but when you’re someone who hides every single true thought and feeling from the world yet someone who can sit and happily watch the chaos created by silence to the ones around them is something else. They certainly ..read more

It’s a strange paradox when you consider how everyone around you is on this quest for happiness, yet going to great lengths to ensure they find misery and pain. Constant states of delusion seem to be their resting heartbeat as they all mindlessly wander around, destructively bumping into each other on this deluded quest for the life none of them will have. I often feel like I am in a room full of people screaming but no one can hear me. It’s caused me to expect nothing in this life, ensuring I get everything I want in the end. It’s a sad realisation born out of disappointment and heartbreak d ..read more

This one goes out to someone I always had a lot of respect for until today. Maybe you all get caught up in the hype, I don’t know. Nether you or the flying monkey are being forced to participate but there you are. Thank you for seeing two little girls and loving them all those years ago. I don’t think we would have made it had it not been for you. Today though I realised that man is already dead. It’s a shame because you were the only one I cared about losing apart from my son but now I see who you’ve become. It’s a shame. I wish you well on the endeavours and let’s hope in the end you won’t r ..read more

The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response. Your “I don’t need anyone” or “I’ll just do it myself” is a survival tactic. It’s needed to shield your heart from abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you. For me it begins with the parents that were absent by choice.  Always making me feel as if the decision to have me was a mistake.  Never feeling like I fit their ‘life’s plan’ or that I was holding them back from becoming whoever they thought they were supposed to be.   This would then ..read more

Please understand how long I’ve been carrying the weight of everyone else’s issues around for, I’ve had to take on so many burdens that I did not belong to me. Please understand how hard that has now made it for me to do simple tasks in life like get up every day and brush my teeth and shower and eat.  I mask so much pain I’m feeling, day in and day out and I am exhausted. Please understand that I am trying to stay strong while time passes and how that strength has been chipped away over the years and that sometimes it cripples me. Please understand that I try my best every day to ov ..read more

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You have to play it load to get the full effect! Enjoy x ..read more

This one is dedicated to a very special person. Now this particular person is terrified at the thought of being the ‘victim’ as he calls is of one of these blogs and today he finally falls prey it would seem. I promise it won’t be bad. So some years ago now I found myself in a room full of young guys who today I love to death. Over the years I have proudly taken the role of ‘scary-god-mother” to many of them. This role has involved whitening shoes and washing clothes. Feeding them and most importantly endless hours of advice on women so that they might have a chance to survive the mysterious ..read more