This post is Part 1 of 3 of the "Cycle syncing your sex life" series. My husband struggled for quite a while (years?) to “figure out” sex. Then one day, we did it! We both had an amazing sexual experience! I figured now we were pros for life. (Ha!) The next time we had sex, it was suddenly awkward and challenging again. (What?!) Here’s two things I have learned: 1) Sex is not meant to be “figured out,” but rather is a journey of discovery and growth within marriage 2) At the same time - knowing some things about sex and your bodies can definitely help make things easier. One of the foundationa ..read more

This post is Part 2 of 3 of the "Cycle syncing your sex life" series. For an introduction to this series, start here. Post-Ovulation Sex, aka the Luteal Phase Begins: right after you've ovulated / Ends: when your period starts The hormone changes during this phase - specifically a rise in her progesterone - naturally decrease a woman’s interest in sex. If she has PMS symptoms, elevated emotions (incl. anxiety, fatigue, and lower self-esteem) and bodily changes (incl. bloating and acne breakouts) can also make her feel less desirable. Despite these things, good sex can still happen. My experien ..read more

We all know the stereotype: the wife expects her husband to read her mind and he never can. I always used to roll my eyes at this stereotype as it played out in sitcoms. And then I got married and, of course, became the stereotype. Let’s start with birthday talk. (And Christmas, your anniversary, Valentine’s Day, etc.) “We’ve been married 4 years now, so he should remember that I like to go to a fancy restaurant for my birthday, right? I shouldn’t need to remind him…” “I mean, I mentioned my favorite author’s new book like 5 times. I wasn’t ‘hinting,’ really…I expect he’ll just understand it w ..read more

Lubrication is a crucial part to sharing good intimacy. The following article reviews commonly asked questions and considerations for using and purchasing lubricants. Do I need lubrication? Yes. Without any form of lubrication, sex will feel extremely painful and can cause physical and emotional damage (a woman who has experienced physical pain from non-lubricative sex can develop a mental block against penetration in the future). A purchased product is highly recommended for newlywed couples learning about sex (see further notes below). However, most couples will not always need a purchased p ..read more

Over the 22 years I’ve been married, my husband and I have learned a lot about how to make our sex life mutually lovely and fulfilling. And by learning, I definitely mean lots of ups and downs—moments of cringey awkwardness, various frustrations and disappointments, dry seasons, mismatched libidos, postpartum anxiety and depression, weeks of back pain, seasons of job stress and family-of-origin drama that impacted us—you name it, we’ve been through it! What helped us make it through all of these challenges with a happy love life that we’re really thankful for is the willingness to keep growing ..read more

Here’s a question I wrestled with before I was married: is it okay if we don’t have sex on our wedding night? The short answer is: yes, definitely okay! That was challenging for my fiancé (now husband) and I to even consider, because we were both eager to experience the joys of marital intimacy. But my chart was looking like I might be ovulating on our wedding night, and we had some concerns about the possibility of a "honeymoon baby." In hindsight, I wish I had known that we didn’t have to feel such pressure to have sex on our wedding night. Mostly because it was a lot to leap from kissing to ..read more

You’re asking ME to write about sex? Who am I? Well, maybe I should start with my single years – because they definitely impacted my marriage. My mom was a unicorn mom who actually told me sex is good and fun. Praise God for that gift, because mostly everything else I learned about sex distorted its goodness. For most of high school and into college, I walked a fine line of extreme (unhealthy, shame-filled) modesty and uptight rule following, while simultaneously wanting any male attention I could get. I played a game of yo-yo with myself and the guys I dated. Looking back on it, I was using t ..read more

My husband and I celebrated 6 years of marriage this past December. As we approached our anniversary, I joked out loud “Oh no, we’re entering the dreaded 7th year…!” I thought it was a joke. But then, the next 4 months turned into a nightmare. We had the pettiest fights. We constantly accused the other of not trying enough. We constantly felt hurt, frustrated, helpless. It was exhausting. At one point I said out loud, “I think we stopped loving each other.” God said, “Exactly,” and helped spell it out for me – as he does. During these nightmare months, I was at a wedding where they read Paul’s ..read more

In Part 1, I described the beginnings of my aversion to sex. Part 2 describes my journey toward healing. First Steps To begin healing, the first thing my husband and I did was schedule strict “no-sex days.” On no-sex days, no matter what other forms of intimate contact my husband initiated with me (hugs, shoulder rubs), I could trust that it was not going to lead to sex. When discussing my issues around sex, something I realized was that while pregnant I existed in a constant state of (at least subconscious) anxiety about sex because sex was never not “on the table” for us. It felt like the “t ..read more

Note before reading: My sex aversion was not caused by sexual trauma and thus my journey may not be helpful to those who struggle with sex due to sexual trauma. If this is the case for you, I recommend finding a counselor or therapist who is qualified in addressing sexual trauma. Intro I am a wife and mother of 4 young children. I spent the last 5 years of my life descending into, fighting against and, by the grace of God, recovering from an aversion to sex. How can someone who has multiple children have an aversion to sex, you ask? Well, I didn’t always have the aversion – it developed around ..read more