If you’re single, you will “die alone.”  You’ve probably heard that message, either directly or through the media.  Maybe you’ve conjured up the image yourself: dying alone in a sterile hospital room, lonely and unloved, or dying alone in your apartment, days passing before anyone discovers your body.  Oh, the shame, the post-mortem shame. Years ago, I was on an online forum. I said that I wasn’t interested in getting married or having kids.  Knowing ..read more

Everyone knows the importance of believing in your ability to achieve goals and persisting despite adversity.  Let’s take that for granted. I want to talk about the flip side — about the times when it is best to give up. Sometimes, the wisest course is to drop a goal, walk away, and invest your energy elsewhere. Specifically, let’s talk about the times when it might be best to give up on relationships – not any ..read more

We don’t get self-esteem by blowing ourselves kisses in the mirror.  I tried; it doesn’t work.  Building self-esteem (or “self-respect,” if you prefer) requires work, and it requires a certain kind of work, specific practices.  I will describe two of those practices in this piece and three in the next.   These practices emerge not from my posterior but from decades of reading and experience, personal and professional.  I will focus on the part we ..read more

The more seriously you dedicate yourself to personal growth, the less likely you will find yourself in a good romantic relationship.  I’ll explain why, but first let me clarify what I’m talking about.   By “personal growth” or “self-development,” I am referring to psychological, intellectual, and spiritual learning and growth.  I’m not talking about building a career or muscles.  I’m talking about internal development.     Secondly, I’m speaking about people who are seriously dedicated to ..read more

I’ll use myself as an example. When I was younger, I saw women not just as physically beautiful and alluring (which of course they were), but as set apart, set above. Special, mysterious, elevated. They knew about intimacy and love. They held the golden key and would decide whether I was worthy. Needless to say, this set me up for all kinds of problems. I couldn’t connect with them, for starters. How could I? I ..read more

If you want to live a contented life as a bachelor, here are six essential ingredients. Like essential nutrients, if you lack any, your singlehood will not be as happy as it might be. I speak from experience. I have lacked in each area, labored in each area, and seen the benefits in each area. Some of these “essentials” apply to the coupled, too, but all of them have special significance for the single. I’ll ..read more

If you’ve been living the bachelor life for as long as I have, it’s easy to take the freedom for granted.  I thought it might help to remind us all of those freedoms.  Doing so might enable us to better appreciate those freedoms and maybe even utilize them better. I’ll divide the discussion into “freedoms from” and “freedoms to.”  Freedoms From Bachelors enjoy freedom from a long list of constraints, stresses, and problems that weigh ..read more

Most people want to be in a good, healthy, long-term romantic relationship (LTR).  I get it.  I see the appeal.  I’ve been in relationships like that, and I’ve enjoyed them — for a time.  But a decade ago, I decided that I didn’t want to be a part of them anymore – not because I was “hurt,” not because something terrible happened, but because it didn’t seem worth the tradeoff. In the abstract, I want ..read more

In this piece, I will cover three additional principles for building self-esteem.  If you missed earlier segments in this series, check the menu under “foundations.” The three remaining principles are: Find Meaning Understand Uproot the Negative 1. Find Meaning Bachelors have to find their own meaning, because the sources of meaning that traditional men use are not available to us (e.g., marriage, children, work to support that).  We must find meaning off the beaten path.  ..read more

Animal companions have a myriad of advantages over romantic partners.  Sure, they have some downsides, too — for example, you can’t have sex with your dog (well, you can, but I wouldn’t recommend it). If you’re a woman or cat-lover, don’t be put off by the title. Just flip the genders and insert your mammal of choice — cats, horses, rabbits, ferrets, pigs, monkeys, hyenas, whatever.  I talk about dogs because it’s what I know ..read more