I remember when that seemed like a large number: 50. I remember believing what capitalism shoved down my throat: the height of life’s bell curve happens somewhere around 15-35. The rest is inconsequential. Of course, that’s not true.  I thought at 50, I’d know things. That I’d be wise. What I know is that there’s so much I don’t know, and so much I’ll never know.  I thought at 50, I’d look old. I’m not going to pretend that I haven’t aged, but there’s not as many wrinkles as I imagined I would have at 50.  I hoped I would be happy. And I am.  I feel like I’m just star ..read more

 I'm going to spoil the ending of the limited series, Dopesick, so fair warning. I'm only semi-serious, of course, since the "end" is still playing out in court but I'm talking about the actual series here, which I didn't know how they'd end. Turns out they found the perfect ending, and I can't stop thinking about it.  They offered the possibility that maybe we should stop trying to stop feeling pain.  I offer it here not just as an answer to the opioid epidemic, but also in response to the pandemic, the political divides, the many divides that we're finding as a way to separate ..read more

 While I would never put the white hat completely on corporations, I think many of their problems are caused or made worse by the quarterly reports. CEOs, department heads, sometimes an entire company's future is on the line because of what Wall Street thinks of a quarterly report.  Even the shareholders are subject to the whims of Wall Street. It comes down to a few people who punish or reward companies for meeting (or failing to meet) their expectations. Somehow, wondering whether Wall Street got it right or wrong is never the question.  I hold stocks, too. In my 401k, and in ..read more

I've been exploring my past lately, and there are a lot of things that I'm seeing with a new perspective. Sometimes, we need the distance before we can do that. Some of it, honestly I've been avoiding.  But not anymore.  I think it's helping because if I look back at something again, I can recognize what I felt without feeling it again.  I don't hate my ex anymore. I feel nothing for him. I'm not mad, I'm not angry, but I don't pity him or wish him well either. I'm surprised that he's still alive, but that's the closest to a feeling I get.  But I don't forgive him. The ..read more

I woke up the morning after what I'd thought was a really productive conversation with X. He acknowledged the mistakes he'd made, vowed to do better, and we were going to try and put our family back together again.  I went to the place where'd I'd hid the grocery money. X had already emptied my bank account, so I'd resorted to hiding cash around the house to cover child care, groceries, and other expenses. This time, I'd put it in a shoe.  But there was no money in there. After our so-called productive conversation, X had found it, and spent it on drugs and/or alcohol - don't know, a ..read more

Following up on my previous post about shopping female-led companies, I'm so pleased to report how much more often I'm able to shop with businesses that are female-led or female-owned, some black woman-owned, and other small businesses not run by cis white men. (Female in this context means anyone that self-identifies as female.)  I'm hosting our family holiday celebration, and we're going with a more Mexican-themed meal: tamales, refried beans, etc. I got my beans from Primary Beans, a female-led company that features beans grown by females, when possible. I'll be serving Bloody Marys ma ..read more

I was talking to a friend recently that I haven't spoken to since I was deep in the midst of single parenting - my daughters were in middle school and high school back then. He was truly surprised that I wasn't broken up about being an empty nester. I think because he saw me put my children first always, he thought I would have a hard time letting go. I did not.  I told him, I think it's because I was a full-time single parent for most of their lives. There were far fewer breaks for me than parents who split custody and certainly two-parent households.  But I also think that I was ma ..read more

 It's such a stupid thing to say. It's like saying, "I hate to be entertained." "I hate it when people try to bring joy to my life." Or really, any emotion, because I have felt them all when in the audience of a musical. Next to Normal left me unable to walk for a few moments as I recovered from the traumas and attempts to heal. Hamilton reminds me that the only thing that has ever changed the world is a small group of people. I feel the sisterhood in Wicked, the longing to believe in The Book of Mormon, the fight for humanity in Rent, the terrifying darkness of humanity in Sweeney Todd ..read more

I’m embarrassed to say that the thought only occurred to me from one of those gifs, but there is a feeling of relief that remaining single will help keep my life story from becoming a Lifetime movie! 10% of homicides are committed by an intimate partner, and 70% of those killed are women.  We hear a lot about the fear that being single means dying alone. I'd rather die alone than be killed by a partner. And my taste in men is pretty rotten.  On this International Singles Day, let's celebrate life!  Let's celebrate our freedom, our financial independence, our vibrators, random en ..read more

I watched a panel of accomplished female professionals speaking to middle schoolers and high schoolers, sharing their experiences and lessons learned and cheering this next generation on. And something just felt…off.  I understand the purpose was to give them hope and confidence for all that’s to come, but without acknowledging the inevitable challenges that face them, it just felt hollow. So here’s something for my daughters and younger that won’t make it on the TED circuit.  There’s going to be a moment, and probably more than one, where you look around and go, “what happened to my ..read more