DAYTON, Ohio — The recently announced 20 Years of Tears tour featuring emo legends Hawthrone Heights, Thursday, and Saosin will sell VIP tickets that include exclusive access to leave early in order to beat traffic, confirmed sources. “The target audience for this tour is people who now fall asleep at 8:30 p.m. on a Friday after drinking half of a beer, so this sort of promotion was a no-brainer move,” said tour organizer Dave Bremerton. “Exclusive access includes admission to one of several hidden tunnels that lead directly to the premium parking spots in the parking lot as well as backstage ..read more

TRANSYLVANIA — Acclaimed spook-punk band Alkaline Trio announced a purely symbolic tour date in remote settlement “The Village of Unspeakable Horrors” during their ongoing “Blood, Hair, and Eyeballs” tour, sources eager to immerse themselves in Transylvanian culture confirmed. “We always like to have a little fun and put a Transylvania date in every tour. Like February 30th in Transylvania, because it’s spooky, and we like being spooky. Someday we might actually go there, have ‘human blood’ in our rider just to see what happens,” said Matt Skiba. “Just thinking about the motherland helps us as ..read more

WASHINGTON — Observers of Thursday’s State of The Union address were surprised by Joe Biden’s speech after he spent the entire time talking about how true Emo music only comes from the Washington, D.C hardcore scene and that all other forms of Emo are cheap imitations. “Listen here Jack I’m telling you that Emo music must be from the D.C. hardcore scene and I ain’t talking pornography here for once,” said Biden in his opening remark. “Everyone claims they love Emo but most of the time they’re talking about Myspace pop-punk bands with dumb hair and eyeliner. Those posers can’t hold a candle to ..read more

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Dashboard Confessional frontman Chris Carrabba reported he is still finding his ex-girlfriend’s hair all over his apartment despite having moved across the country numerous times, confirmed sources close to the situation. “I don’t know how this is still happening. It’s been two full decades since I saw my ex Emmy but whenever I’m sweeping up, doing laundry, or even rearranging things in the crawl space I find clumps of her hair everywhere. I feel like this might be some sort of witch’s curse,” said Carrabba. “We were remodeling and tearing down a wall and instead of insulati ..read more

Middleburg, Florida’s The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus formed in 2003, was under the radar until 2006, and released their debut album “Don’t You Fake It” that very year, and as of today in the year of our lord it is Platinum and counting. One of the lesser discussed bands of the mall screamo movement, their first LP is now a scene mainstay with three hit singles, one of which being the anthem to end all anthems known as “Face Down.” If you listened to rock radio in the mid-aughts, you couldn’t avoid hearing this track, and if you rock out to Warped Tour-esque playlists to this day, good luck NOT enc ..read more

The emo-adjacent band known as Saves the Day has other songs not called “At Your Funeral,” and no, they don’t only have one album; Saves the Day has NINE full-length LPs. The toxic wasteland known as New Jersey, The Garden State that has more pesticides than one man can count, surprisingly was the epicenter of a scene in the late ‘90s/early aughts with bands like Lifetime, Thursday, The Dillinger Escape Plan, and Led Zeppelin leading the charge. Sincerity sells, and Saves the Day came out of the gates swinging hard with their consistently revered debut album “Can’t Slow Down.” Today we go thro ..read more

As you likely know, Orange County was certainly “the (literal) zone” for metal-adjacent, punk rock, third-wave ska, and racist acts large and small in the late-90s/early-aughts, and Yorba Linda’s metalcore superstars Atreyu, formed in 1998 and, fun fact of the day: were named after the main character in “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York,” certainly benefited from being at the epicenter such a strong and vibrant music scene. Anyway, eight, yes EIGHT, albums later, the band is a sort of a Kiwanis club of he-man, women hater, elder statesmen entity for aggressive music in every single county exclud ..read more

“If You Can’t Hang,” easily one of the more successful scene anthems of the 2010s, and that is NOT hyperbole, is not Sleeping With Sirens’ only vibin song, and the band has many more AND seven studio albums as of now. Still, the band is from Florida, and that is more than enough of a reason not to listen to SWS, but we’d love it if you gave peace and the band a chance. We’ve got to get to the actual article body, so come on, dales, let’s pick up some Florida Happy Meals, and avoid the hell out of each Florida Man, who likely got canceled prior to his birth. 7. Gossip (2017) Word on the cold st ..read more

We’re ranking the five studio albums From First to Last from almost last to almost first. Basically, Skrillex + Periphery + D.R.U.G.S. + IBS over the counter pills = From First To Last is a formula for mid-aughts success with sprinkles of victories in the 2010s. Formed in the late-90s, Tampa, Florida’s FFTL is and was a group of Florida Men but not the literal Florida Man that you can read about with a Google search; one fun fact to note is that if you do such with your birthday, you will likely read a headline like “Florida Man Brings A Rocket Launcher On A Flight.” We don’t make the rules, j ..read more

Before you scabs post something derivative on your social media pages with a four person outreach, just know this: Hawthorne Heights are bigger than all of your stupid, stupid bands combined, and “Saying Sorry” is catchier than any song you have ever, ever written. Dayton, Ohio’s pride and joy yelling/humming/growling/falsetto band Hawthorne Heights formed as a classic Beatles song in 2001, renamed themselves, and twenty-two years later have their own multi-state festival wherein they selflessly let other larger bands headline, seven original studio albums not including acoustic albums coverin ..read more