Hi Lover of no contact, Your story touched me. As I mentioned briefly in my original post, my father was domestically violent. My mum found the strength and the courage to escape. I always say that she gave me life twice. I am not as brave as my mum or you, sadly. I feel ashamed for not seeing the signs, for not having a stronger mental, for begging his love. I don’t know how I put my myself in this situation. I should have known, due to my past. History repeats itself. I must be weak. I hope I will be able to understand why. Today, I feel embarrassed and disappointed of myself ..read more

Hello all, Thanks you so much for replying. Though I hate to think of others out there suffering from a similar drip, drip, drip of general f***ery, there is some comfort in the acknowledgement that this is not normal. But big hugs to you all, I hope that you are all in a period of calm right now so that you can build up your inner strength. Xx ..read more

You are definitely not messed up – you have a very healthy perspective and understanding of what’s happening. Well done on listening to your instincts. It would have got worse and worse. He realised you weren’t going to be down trodden and then began showing his true self and covering it with saying he was being nice. I wish I had had your insight years ago! All of what you have said shows red flags – ignoring your wishes, dismissing your feelings. We all need to trust our instincts more. My abusive husband was initially nice to family members – as he wanted to hook me in. The moment I was mar ..read more

Hi yes it is abuse. Agree with everyone. We are so normalised to accepting abusive comments which chip away at our self worth. They see themselves as the most important thing and centre of the world and have little empathy for anyone else. It’s about how we feel and how they make us feel which matters. We don’t need to justify about what kind of abuse – all of it affects us. It has taken me ages to understand that I am in an abusive relationship. Its hard to admit it. Please look after yourselves and take care ..read more

I would completely agree with Ocean20. My current experience of abuse is very similar. My spouse doesn’t shout at me, I don’t get sworn at and there’s no name calling. But the rudeness and consistent pointing out of my flaws and things I should have done but haven’t, or a disregard for my efforts to be kind, grind down my self worth and make me feel awful. It’s taken me a long time to accept I’m in an abusive relationship ..read more

Hi Taylor, You are absolutely not ‘messed up’. From the little that you exampled about his behaviour, there are some real indicators of abusive, dismissive, manipulative behaviour. Sounds like he is trying to ‘love bomb’ you and is getting frustrated that you are not responding the way he wants you to. You’re listening to your gut instincts, and we will always advise doing this as it’s most always right. Remember that other family members and your children are not the one in the relationship, and they very likely do not see the behaviours that you do. It’s the right thing to trust how you feel ..read more

I’m so sorry you are suffering so much pain. I’m afraid it won’t get better.We wait and wait and watch their faces for a glimpse of respect and it doesn’t come. The questions are there to stop us from going anywhere. They know how to play us. We are normal – they are not. The drink just masks who they are. My husband no longer drinks in front of me but he is still the same bad person. Drink just loosens the mask. You are lucky – you have only been with him about a year. It will get worse as their hold increases. They know what they are doing. This is the way they are wired and they have no emp ..read more

I’m so sorry to read this. I can resonate with you entirely. I have been with my OH for not even a year and I definitely have a trauma bond. It’s toxic and draining. I feel like I’m at a fork in the road. I can see what’s happening and what I’m not happy with but I feel helpless and annoyed that I’ve let it go on for this short space of time. I can’t imagine how decades feels. Like you’re losing yourself. He is a smart man but the level of manipulation to condition you to just accept that level of abuse, I just can’t comprehend it. I then hate myself for being so easily manipulated and tricked ..read more

Hiya, It might seem trivial but it’s these little interactions that build or diminish our self worth. I can relate to you on it. I put up with a lot of mood swings / pointless little comments from my partner but if I did the same back I wouldn’t hear the end of it and I would be accused of being a horrible c***. In my mind it’s just another way to control and make you feel stupid / small. X ..read more

Hi, Please keep.in touch with the Forum. Keep posting for support. I know it’s not that easy to pack up and leave. I couldn’t end my abusive marriage(I didn’t want to leave my house and my children)and stayed in the cycles until the court separation was finalised. We do what we have to do when we’re ready to do it. From my experience I would have a plan B for leaving when he kicks off again. Imo visualise how to pack up your stuff. Visualise where you would go to live. Have a solid Plan B for when he terrorizes you again as sadly they never change. Keep up your supports to stay strong and to s ..read more