Many of us in the West have been taught to avoid the subject of death. It is something we hide away from; we discuss death softly, in hushed tones, if we discuss it all. Sometimes we use language that makes it seem as if the deceased has done something wrong. We seek to uncover why someone has died, and to find a way to make it their fault. We actually say things like: “After a brave and valiant fight, she lost her battle with cancer.” We use this language so often that we might not even think about what we are saying. Would you really call your best friend who died from ovarian cancer a lose ..read more

“My life flashed before my eyes.” These are the words of a person who has had a near-death experience. In the moments, possibly even seconds, before someone comes close to dying, he or she or they might have a life review—an episode of deep contemplation during which an individual experiences a swift recounting of their life journey. This review or flashback offers insights into how someone has lived their life. The wisdom gained from a thoughtful examination of one’s life can indeed guide the trajectory of their remaining days. The theme of the life review, and the corresponding second chan ..read more

Have you ever had a vision of the perfect party, a revolutionary product, or a beautifully mapped-out life plan? And yet, things didn’t quite pan out as you had imagined? We all have—that’s the joy of being human. You conceive ideas, form beliefs, and develop plans that you think will serve you well. However, sometimes, these very things that you cling to become the chains that hold you back. Just as you learn to accept the death of yourself and your loved ones, you must also learn to let go; to acknowledge the “death” of your outdated ideas, beliefs, and plans. Think of it as unclenching yo ..read more

“I think it is easier to have someone die—at least that way you know you will never see them again.”  This comment came from a friend who was suffering through the end of a relationship. In her mind, she would rather lose someone to death than know that person was alive, yet not accessible. She was more comfortable with the idea of the finality. With a death, there is no back and forth, no wondering if that person is thinking about you, no following their social media posts. No fear of missing out. She preferred to grieve a physical death. Two days ago, I sat and discussed death and grie ..read more

A recent discussion with Dr. Kimberly Harms on how to leave a legacy of love reminded me of how often we think of legacy in terms of our work and our reputation, and the things that we leave to others. If you have material things, it is wise to make sure that you have written instructions on how those things are to be disbursed. I have seen a poor family fight over a single gold charm. And we have probably all read about the court battles that occur within families where large sums of money and expensive properties are at stake. The result, whether it came from an argument over a gold charm or ..read more

Her phone pinged and Mary Carol looked down to read the following text message: Hey Mary Carol, I am thinking of you today. I know it is a very difficult and sad day for you. Today is his death day. Your husband and my best friend left us two years ago. As she read the text, Mary Carol was not sure how she felt. She was not sure how she was supposed to feel. Actually, that’s not true; she felt guilty. It’s not that she hadn’t remembered that it was the anniversary of his death, it was that when she received the text, she was enjoying a happy peaceful day with one of her best friends. Her fr ..read more

In difficult times it is so easy to time travel. I don’t mean with an actual time machine; I mean with your mind. When you are sitting with loss and grief, you might wish that you were anyplace else. Because right here, right now, it’s painful. And there were times in the past that were not painful. And you believe that, eventually, at some future point, it will not be painful. And so you time travel: you spend your time revisiting happy memories; or you daydream about a future filled with love and laughter. Perhaps your future will hold love and laughter, but how do you get there? If you don ..read more

It’s no problem to say goodbye to someone because rebirth teaches us that we will be together again anyway, right? Wrong, as in that’s the wrong view! I carried that view around for a few years. This view was a crutch, a coping mechanism to help me process the painful emotions that came from being apart from people who were important to me. Unlike some of my other Buddhist friends from a Judeo-Christian background, I did not have a problem accepting the idea of rebirth. My belief in rebirth made it easier for me to become a Buddhist. I recall that since I was a child, the concept of rebirth m ..read more

When people die, we have rituals and traditions to guide us through the process. Most of them are designed to help those who have been left behind. Family and friends gather and sit with the survivors. Neighbors bring food. There are guidelines to follow regarding burial or cremation and who will officiate and when they must occur. There are informal, perhaps even formal rules around what color to wear. In the West, it is very traditional to wear black. You can live in the West and wear white for mourning, as would be traditional in the Cambodian culture. Your family might follow Thai traditi ..read more

Where & however an aim is accomplished through eulogies, chants, good sayings, donations, & family customs, follow them diligently there & that way. (AN 5.49) The above passage, which comes from the Kosala Sutta, led me to reflect on the way that I handled my mother’s funeral versus my husband’s lack of a funeral. My mom left complete instructions on what to do, whom to call, whom to have say prayers, whom to have sing, and what song; I did not have to wonder about anything, just execute the plan. She definitely wanted a specific type of funeral with a reception after the servic ..read more