NEW YORK — Former punk Ruby Davis, made famous in the Rancid song “Ruby Soho,” reportedly closed on a deal to sell her apartment in Lower Manhattan for an astonishing $3.4 million dollars, sources confirmed. “Back in the ‘90s, I convinced my parents to buy this place for me for like $4,000. I told everyone I was squatting there because I didn’t want them to know my parents were paying for everything,” said Davis. “Come to find out years later that everyone in the punk scene had rich parents, we all just went to different private schools. Eventually I started cleaning the apartment up, I got ri ..read more

GREELEY, Colo. — Local band Yellowcake Uranium issued a statement on their website’s message board hinting that they’re almost done with their “epic takedown of the Bush regime” nearly 16 years after he left office, according to someone who navigated to the post accidentally. “We’re psyched to be so close to getting this record out,” said singer Brian “Skiv” Rivers as he lit a Camel Crush. “It’s taking a while, but it’s going to be worth it when the neocon war criminals get a load of the pure vitriol of songs like ‘Helliburton’ or ‘Mother Of All Bombs.’ This is really weighty stuff, so it’s im ..read more

LOS ANGELES — Members of Suicidal Tendencies announced they will be changing their band name to Suicidal Ideation after reaching an important milestone in therapy this week, multiple sources confirmed. “I heard for years that I should talk about what was bothering me but I didn’t want to end up in a white shirt with long sleeves. People were always saying you’ll probably feel a lot better if you talk about it. But I’ll be honest, the last time I allowed myself to be vulnerable was when I asked my mom for a Pepsi and she insisted I was using drugs,” said Suicidal Ideation frontman Mike Muir. “I ..read more

Ceremony will be playing their 2010 record “Rohnert Park” from front to back for the first and last time this Saturday at a sold out show in Los Angeles, and we here at The Hard Times just so happen to have an exclusive variant of that record on sale now (Click here to order yours before they are gone forever). To celebrate this momentous occasion we are ranking every track on the album by how likely we are to be injured when they play it live. To all the purists reading, we are breaking up track one into two songs and the secret song will be separated out so there will be 15 songs total. For ..read more

NEW HAVEN, Conn. — A basement performance from local blues-based folk punk act 6 Millionth Cigarette has been postponed due to the drummer’s mother needing his entire makeshift kit to prepare dinner, sources confirmed. “Damn it to hell I had all my pots and pans set up perfectly, and she had to go and ruin it all for the sake of a casserole or somethin’! All that’s left is the stolen welcome mat I’ve used as a drum rug since last Halloween! I tell ya, I got half a mind to put my snare drum in the dishwasher as revenge. She’ll hate that, since it’s cast iron, ya see?” said 6 Millionth Cigarette ..read more

SPRINGFIELD, Ill. — Guitarist Leo “Injustice” Murphy was recently ejected from his former band, skate-punk outfit Lincoln’s Foreskin, over an incident where his use of technical musical language incensed his bandmates.  “Yeah, it’s all just the most heinous fucking kind of insipid bullshit,” said Murphy while destroying his books on music theory. “Sure, I can talk like a goddamn baby and say ‘the thing where you play out the notes of a chord one at a time,’ but why would I? We have a word for it. I think people take the wonders of language for granted, and I can’t get behind it. I think w ..read more

TYLER, Texas. — Local hardcore band Crate Full of Saws recently alarmed audience members when, in the middle of an unfocused and seemingly endless speech, the band’s frontman communicated that all of the venue’s means of egress had been firmly locked from the outside, suddenly very nervous sources confirmed. “He was going on and on about unity and how we are all of the same blood and a couple people went to step outside for a smoke and that’s when we were told there was no escape. I really can’t believe I’m trapped listening to this low-rent philosophy lecture right now,” said showgoer Teresa ..read more

Newburgh, N.Y. — Kirsten Emery, guitarist in local punk band Feral Insurgence and vocal critic of Valentine’s Day, curiously embraced the “sham” holiday now that she is in a relationship, report sources who are rolling their eyes. “I first noticed something was off when she didn’t punch the Whitman’s Sampler chocolate display at CVS,” said friend and bandmate Arlo Woodward. “Look, it’s totally fine to be into silly traditional Valentine’s Day things, and it’s also fine to hate it. But Kirsten’s timing here is so obvious. I guess last year she wasn’t that sincere about destroying ‘evil patriarc ..read more

NEW YORK — 1990s folk punk icon Phoebe Buffay announced her first live performances in over two decades which will take place this summer in cities across the US, according to the artist’s publicist. “I’m so excited to be playing music again! I didn’t stop for any reason other than I lost my guitar. As it turns out it was under my bed,” explained Buffay in the announcement, who is dedicating her upcoming tour to the memory of her late friend Chandler Bing. “I know rumors have been swirling about a tour for a while. But now the fans know that I know that they know that I’m going to play songs d ..read more

BROCKTON, Mass. — Local beatdown hardcore band Blood Reaper drastically changed their appearance and sound just two months after members of the band began using Ozempic, multiple sources confirmed. “We used to walk into a venue and people would scramble to get out of our way because they were afraid we would beat the crap out of them. Now nobody moves when I’m trying to load gear. I have to be like ‘let me scooch past you.’ It’s kind of humiliating,” said frontman Matty “Meat” Heller. “And the more weight we lose the less people mosh. I went from 230 pounds down to 165 and when I tell people t ..read more