PITTSBURGH, PA Andrea Enns, 18, of North Kildonan was really looking forward to attending CMU in Winnipeg this fall only to discover that she’d actually enrolled at some university in Pennsylvania instead. “I guess it’s off to Pittsburgh for me,” said Enns. “I just hope their Peace and Conflict Transformational Studies program is a good as the one in Winnipeg.” Enns says what most disappoints her about getting into Carnegie Mellon University is the complete lack of Stanley Hauerwas on the syllabi. “And I guess I’ll have to read Donald Kraybill’s Upside Down Kingdom just for fun or something ..read more

WINNIPEG, MB The kids at Hillside Mennonite Church in Winnipeg got an unexpected influx of coins during the ‘My Coins Count’ fundraiser this week. The surge in coinage is all thanks to Mr. Baerg and his penchant for swearing a little too much. “Diewel, that’s a lot of coins,” said little Susie Martens as she emptied her jar into the big bucket at the front of the sancutary. “Mensch ekj saj! What are we going to do with all this money!” With the ‘My Coins Count’ song playing in the background, the sound of clinking coins was barely audible … that is until they reached Mr. Baerg’s aisle. “S ..read more

NEW YORK, NY The heroics of young New York Rangers centre Matt Rempe this weekend had folks, especially Mennonites, scratching their heads in puzzlement. “When I saw that in the Free Press, I thought for sure it was a typo,” said radio host and Elvis tribute artist Corny Rempel. “You’re missing an L there, young man.” But the folks at the Free Press, and all other news sources, claimed that this was the spelling they were given by Matt Rempe himself. “Never in all my wildest dreams did I think I’d ever see a Rempe,” said Rempel. “I guess the L was excommunicated in the Great Purge of 1968.” Th ..read more

WINNIPEG, MB Streets are closed for several blocks surrounding the South Kildonan EMB Church this weekend as thousands are expected to gather for the first annual Wite-Out Party. “We’re correcting all the errors in the church bulletin,” said event organizer Melissa Poetker. “It should take us several hours … depending on how many people show up.” According to Poetker, Mennonite church bulletins often need a bit of correcting. “We’ve got mistakes on the Sunday School schedule or who’s on for faspa clean-up this week,” said Mrs. Poetker. “Not to mention all the egregious errors in Pastor Dave’s ..read more

STEINBACH, MB With the kids at Oma and Opa’s house for the evening, Allan and Karen Martens were finally able to get some alone time at their local Peavey Mart. “Oh, Allan, you know what I’d like,” said Karen, brushing her finger against his cheek and lowering her voice to a whisper. “Can you take me to – oh I don’t want to say it out loud – Peavey Mart?” Allan was immediately responsive to the seductive request and playfully carried Karen to the Dodge Caravan. “Peavy Mart, here we come,” said Allan. “Oh, I though you’d never ask.” The two spend hours strolling hand-in-hand past chicken fencin ..read more

WINNIPEG, MB There were lines outside Aritzia at Polo Park this week as the store launched its new line of long denim dresses and other products inspired by the plain dress sects of southern Manitoba. “We’re tried of getting our inspiration from the runways of Milan and Paris,” said new Aritzia manager Brittney Klippenstein. “From now on it’s Mennonites, Conservative Baptists, and German Pentecostals.” Hip urban woman have been flocking to Aritiza to get their hands on the long denim skirts, which are priced between $100 and $400 a piece. “These days, everyone wants to look like they’re in som ..read more

ALTONA, MB Local Tupperware rep Anne Barkman has seen such an uptick in demand as of late that the 30-year-old mother-of-6 has decided to expand her line of products. “I was walking through the MCC the day and eureka! I found an affordable new line of products,” said Barkman. “I just know my customers will appreciate the more frugal option.” Barkman stocked up on various plastic receptacles, which she plans to offer at an upcoming party in Susan Peters’s living room this Thursday morning. “It was about time the Tupperware company offered something for folks on a fixed income … and Mennonites ..read more

INDIANAPOLIS, IN Mennonites across Indiana this week are concerned about the spread of something called the Indiana Fever. “That’s all I see on the news,” said Mrs. Bauman. “Indiana Fever this and Indiana Fever that. I just hope this all stays in the big city and doesn’t reach us up here in Goshen.” Despite the name, the Fever seems to have originated from out of state. “I heard a young woman from Iowa was the first to get it,” said Mrs. Bauman. “It seems everyone I know is very excited about this Caitlin Clark.” Meanwhile, Caitlin Clark says she’s a devout Catholic and despite the sordid hist ..read more

SALT LAKE CITY, UT Just days after announcing that the struggling Arizona Coyotes would be relocating to Salt Lake City for next season, the Utah-based team has already unveiled their snazzy new uniforms. “We’ve got winger Clayton Keller and teammate Nick Schmaltz modelling the new threads,” said SLC spokesperson Matt Romney. “They’re even going door-to-door for a few days to break-in the new jerseys.” The team uniforms feature back slacks, a short-sleeved white dress shirt, and some really hip-looking backpacks. Plus the prominent name and number on the back of the jersey will be replaced wit ..read more

STEINBACH, MB Area man Kyle Reimer, 23, was spotted at a local jewelry store this week, which sparked several rumours about an upcoming engagement. “Oba, I didn’t even know he was dating anyone,” said Mrs. Brandt. “I guess he and that Klassen girl were closer than I thought.” It didn’t take long and Reimer had a text from his mother wondering why she wasn’t the first one to be told. “Na, junges,” said Mrs. Reimer. “You can’t get a thing like that past me. I’m in tears. When’s the wedding?” Mrs. Reimer had already booked the MB Church basement for a date sometime this July. “Ugh, all I was doin ..read more