OTTAWA, ON Conservative MP Lindsey Rude says she’s sick and tired of all the environmentally-friendly yerba mate gourds she sees around town. “The gourds are bad enough,” said Rude, “but they’ve even got those woke reusable metal straws!” Rude says she won’t be drinking any more yerba mate until she can drink it out of a plastic straw and disposable paper cup like a good proper Member of Parliament. “I say we boycott yerba mate until a proper alternative is found,” said Rude. “This used to the drink of the common Paraguayan Mennonite and now it’s so woke only the hipsters in Kensington Market ..read more

GOSHEN, IN Dave Miller, 31, of Goshen has been a devout Beta male ever since he inherited his grandfather’s VCR and collection of Smokey and the Bandit movies from the 80s. “And people say being a Beta male is a bad thing,” said Miller, “but they’re forgetting about the superior picture quality and all that.” Despite his lifelong commitment to Beta, Miller says he’s now ready for a change. “I just have to face reality,” said Miller. “There’s a much wider selection if I get rid of the Beta.” Miller says he managed to find a nice VHS player in working condition as his local thrift store. “And th ..read more

WINNIPEG, MB Area man Greg Neufeld, 41, stopped for a train in Winnipeg back in 2009 and, according to this wife Diane, is still there some 15 years later. “I texted him to see where he was at,” said Diane, “but he said was waiting for a train at Marion and Archibald, so I knew he would be a few more decades.” Greg says he’s a pretty patient fellow, but after 7 or 8 years, he started to get a little antsy. “I wasn’t around to see my kids grow up,” said Greg. “But, you know, hopefully if this train passes in the next year or two, I can be there for Alex’s high school graduation.” Diane says it ..read more

WINNIPEG, MB Area man Don Driedger, 79, has been consuming nothing but Rae and Jerry’s delicious tomato juice for the past six decades. “Oh, sure, occasionally I’ll go with the soup,” said Driedger, “but 9 times out of 10 I’m taking that tomato juice.” Driedger says he adds three splashes of Worcestershire, which adds a nice little kick. “Or four splashes on the weekends,” said Driedger. “YOLO, right?” Driedger says the delectable menu items that pass by his table every evening do offer a temptation. “But, you know, when you have tomato juice that tastes this good, you just can’t turn it down ..read more

WINNIPEG, MB The entire City of Winnipeg breathed a collective sigh of relief last night as the Toronto Maple Leafs lost in overtime to the Boston Bruins. “Yikes, that was a close one,” said Winnipeger Dick Froese. “It sure softens the blow of the Jets’ poor performance.” The game was such an unexpected blessing that thousands of Jets fans gathered on Donald Street to celebrate the loss. “I’m a Mennonite, not a Buddhist,” said Froese, “but sometimes I agree that existence is suffering. I’m glad all those Leafs fans get to share that with us.” While Leafs fans bemoan the fact they haven’t won t ..read more

ALTONA, MB Area man Larry Hiebert, 51, turned more than a few heads this Friday, after he spent the whole day greeting folks with a hearty “May the 3rd be with you.” “He started on Wednesday, actually,” said co-worker Lois Unger. “May the 1st be with you. Then it was May the 2nd be with you. I don’t think he really gets it.” Hiebert plans to carry on the tradition until the end of the month. “I’ll be happy when this month is over,” said Unger. “But I’m pretty sure that man won’t stop until he gets to ‘May the 31st be you.'” In his defence, Hiebert says he doesn’t really watch a whole lot of mo ..read more

AYLMER, ON Area couple Jack and Martha Wiens decided to “get all decked out” and head over to Walmart this afternoon. “It took me a while to figure out which pair of pyjama pants to wear,” said Jack, “but that’s only because I was trying to make sure they matched my Crocs.” Martha, too, picked her baggiest pair of pyjama pants as she schlepped down the aisles of their neighbourhood Walmart. “We don’t go out very often,” said Martha, “but when we do, we try to dress up a little.” The Wiens’s attire was immediately noticed by Walmart staff who, naturally, commended the couple on their fine sense ..read more

STEINBACH, MB Area man Al Dueck, 42, sat down on what he thought was a bus stop on Brandt Street, only to discover that it was merely a bench with no apparent purpose. “Too bad it took me three years to figure it out,” said Dueck. “I thought at first that I just missed the 9 o’clock. But, sadly, that 9 o’clock never came.” After about 35 months, Dueck figured, “Oba, there must be a bus schedule around here somewhere,” but didn’t want to vacate his seat and risk losing his spot in line. “At one point back about 6 months ago I thought the bus had finally arrived,” said Dueck, “but it turned out ..read more

AYLMER, ON Area man Peter Poetker, 43, was peacefully removed from the sanctuary this weekend after referring to Pastor Dave as a “total wacko” during a sermon on the Book of Revelation. “Once he got to his verse-by-verse exposition of chapter 3, I had had enough,” said Poetker. “That man’s theology is way off. He’s not fit to run this congregation.” Rumour has it that Poetker himself is seeking to take-over the church, that is if they’ll let him back in the building. “He can disagree with the pastor all he wants,” said elder Siemens. “But we still need some level of decorum while the offering ..read more

The Headline Contest is back! Here’s your chance to write a headline for The Unger Review. At the end of the week the top 3 headlines, as selected by The Unger Review, will be put up for a vote and a winner will be declared! A couple tips – Try to stylize your submission like a newspaper headline … but funny. Remember, we’re not looking for a caption, we’re looking for a headline. For example, a caption would be something like, “Oba, Martha, looks like it’s time for meddachschlop.” On the other hand, a headline would be something like: Mennonite Couple Eager to Finishing Plowing and Have their ..read more