AFL Matches Cancelled After Players Mistakenly Snort Up Boundary Lines
The Shovel
by The Shovel
2d ago
This weekend’s AFL matches at the MCG will not go ahead, after a ‘misunderstanding’ that saw the boundary lines and 50 metre arcs disappear. A group of unnamed players admitted they got confused at a mid-week training session and thought someone had racked up a massive line of coke for them. “We’re running laps and I look down and I see this fat line of nose candy,” one player explained. “I’m thinking, I don’t want to miss this opportunity, so I immediately snort it. Turns out it was white paint. It’s an easy mistake to make”. He said things escalated quickly after the first line. “Between the ..read more
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Submarine-Shaped Public Housing Proposed, in Attempt to Attract More Government Funding
The Shovel
by The Shovel
2d ago
In a desperate bid to lure the Federal Government into addressing the housing crisis, welfare rights groups have proposed new submarine-shaped public housing blocks, which they say will lead to hundreds of billions of dollars in extra funding. “The trick is not to tell policy makers that they’re houses,” campaigner Natalie Kusama said. “Instead we’ll say they’re high-tech military devices personally approved by the US President. The money will flow immediately”. It is expected the plan could net up to $350 billion, which could fund as many as a million new homes. “We’ll probably have to agree ..read more
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Libertarian Who Says We Should Rely Less on Government Is Strangely Reliant on Government
The Shovel
by The Shovel
4d ago
A Melbourne man who has argued for his whole career that Australians should get governments out of their life, is desperately trying to get the government back into his. Tim Wilson, 44, won pre-selection for the Victorian seat of Goldstein this weekend, after being forced to spend the past two years without Government assistance. “I couldn’t do it. It turns out I’m totally dependent on the Government for my livelihood and sense of self,” Wilson admitted to The Shovel. Wilson lost to Independent Zoe Daniel at the 2022 Federal election. “I’ve been wandering around totally lost ever since. Withou ..read more
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Australians Terrified of Trump Presidency: “Kevin Rudd Could Move Back to Australia”
The Shovel
by The Shovel
1w ago
Australians are praying against a Donald Trump victory at November’s US elections, after the former President revealed he would send Kevin Rudd back to Australia if elected. Human rights groups say this could be the most chilling proposal yet from Trump. “Sure, the prospect of nuclear war and the end of Western democracy under Trump is frightening. But not as frightening as having Australia’s 26th Prime Minister swanning around Brisbane spouting smarmy pretend-ocker bullshit. That’s an existential threat,” Lara Holmes, a spokesperson from a human rights advocacy group said. “To inflict that ty ..read more
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This Foetus Bought Its First Investment Property at Just 12 Weeks Old. Here’s How It Did It
The Shovel
by The Shovel
1w ago
A 12-week-old foetus has become Australia’s youngest landlord after it bought a 4-bedroom investment property in Melbourne. The proud parents say the foetus was able to buy the property by pooling pocket money, savings from odd jobs and a $850,000 contribution from them. “We want to teach our children that, even if you’re not born yet, it’s never too early to start implementing good savings habits,” father John said. “Little Ella (official name TBC) has really got into the spirit of saving and investing. While other foetuses her age are just lying about doing nothing, she’s been earning money ..read more
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Russian Election: Putin Scrapes In With Just 101% Of Vote
The Shovel
by The Shovel
1w ago
Russian President Vladimir Putin has narrowly retained office, obtaining just over two out of every two votes in the recent national elections. It is a disappointing result for Mr Putin, who won 117% of the vote at the last election. The Russian leader also lost 80% of his opponents during the campaign. In a speech to the nation, Mr Putin said he wanted to govern for all Russians, even those who hadn’t voted for him, who he urged to COME FORWARD IMMEDIATELY. He also thanked his opponents, saying they had worked hard to provide the appearance of viable alternatives. Former US President Donald T ..read more
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Gina Rinehart Says Government Should Get Out of People’s Lives Except When It’s a $840 Million Handout for Her Mine
The Shovel
by The Shovel
1w ago
A woman who has for decades called for smaller government and reduced welfare says she is willing to make an exception for her Northern Territory rare earths mine. In a speech today, Ms Rinehart said the perception of her as heartless when it came to Government welfare was misguided. “While in general I disagree with the concept of government handouts, there are some extreme circumstances where I now recognise they may be necessary, to act as a safety net for those battling to maintain their position on the Forbes 100 rich list. “Without these handouts I would be forced to survive on the reven ..read more
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In a Fitting Tribute to Scott Morrison, His Farewell Dinner Has Been Announced but Will Not Be Implemented
The Shovel
by The Shovel
2w ago
Scott Morrison’s farewell dinner in The Shire has been announced and then quietly cancelled, in a touching tribute to the former PM’s reputation for never actually going through with anything. Organisers of the event said they wanted to create a send-off for Morrison that captured the essence of his time in office. “When we thought back to what he had achieved as PM we came up with absolutely nothing. And that’s when we knew we’d hit on the perfect farewell,” one of the organisers said. “What better way to honour the man than with an elaborately-announced but never-actually-implemented leaving ..read more
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Government’s $840M Cost of Living Relief Package Helps WA Single Mum Buy Rare Earths Mine
The Shovel
by The Shovel
2w ago
The Albanese Government has delivered on its promise of helping ordinary Australians buy everyday essentials, announcing a $840 million relief payment to help a single mum develop a Northern Territory mine. “We recognise things are pretty tough out there right now,” Treasurer Jim Chalmers said in a Press Club speech today. “I met a single Mum from Perth this week who has to get by on just $46 billion. She’s doing it tough, struggling to put together enough to even buy the basics like rare earths mines in Central Australia. “It’s easy to forget how tough it is for some people. Imagine opening u ..read more
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TikTok User Denies He’s Being Subliminally Influenced by Communist China, Glorious Land of Plentiful Food & Golden Mountains
The Shovel
by The Shovel
2w ago
An American teenager has labelled as ‘ridiculous’ reports that TikTok could be subtly shaping its users’ perceptions so they have a more favourable view of the glorious, righteous nation of China, land of green waters and golden mountains. “I just use TikTok to watch videos of people cleaning carpets. I didn’t even realise TikTok was owned by China, land of plenty and harmonious society!” Jackson Reece, 16, said. The school student said it was silly to think his social media usage had any influence on his thoughts about the magnificent, right-thinking modern socialist nation. “Honestly I just ..read more
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