The Burden of [Not] Being a Burden
Northampton Center for Couples Therapy Blog
by Kerry Lusignan
5M ago
Years ago, I attended a couples’ workshop with Stan Tatkin, the Founder of the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy (PACT). During the workshop, Stan asked us to turn toward our partners, look them in the eye, and recite the words “I take you as my burden.” The room, which had over fifty couples, filled with giggles and a chorus of awkward voices repeating, “I take you as my burden.” Stan smiled and then asked us to reaffirm the vow, adding the words for the rest of my life. “I take you as my burden for the rest of my life.” It must have been over 15 minutes that we continued like thi ..read more
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Is It Trauma Bonding or Love?
Northampton Center for Couples Therapy Blog
by Kerry Lusignan
6M ago
Out of a fear of abandonment, we unknowingly abandon ourselves The line between love and hate, passion and pain (especially if you have experienced trauma) can feel as thin as a sliver. The reasons for this are complex, but what is essential to know is that when researchers put two strangers on a perilous, swinging bridge together, the strangers are more likely to be attracted to one another than if they are seated on a park bench or standing side-by-side, in the produce aisle. What is essential to know is that fear deepens human bonds and that bonds are not only little oxytocin bubbles floa ..read more
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The Divorce Club
Northampton Center for Couples Therapy Blog
by Kerry Lusignan
8M ago
It was the type of abandon unique to crisis and duress — when going kamikaze seems like a sound and wise decision. When I reentered the dating scene at 42, I felt like Rip Van Winkle. Like I had been sleeping for the entirety of my marriage and that, upon my waking, found everyone in my orbit had grown a little fatter, greyer, balder, and a tad more jaded. It was hard to fathom because it inferred I was also fatter, grayer, and jaded, and I felt somewhat sure that was not the case. During my decade-plus of marriage, I was in the married club. A fellowship that anoints its members with the pe ..read more
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Letter to a Couple in Crisis: Can I Trust My Partner?
Northampton Center for Couples Therapy Blog
by Kerry Lusignan
9M ago
February 12th, 2024 Should I give my partner another chance? How do you know if a person is trustworthy?    Can I learn to trust if I have a history of being hurt? Ultimately, the question of whether to trust your partner, at its core, concerns the dilemma of whether or not to risk. Because inherent in any act that carries even a smidgen of hope is a kernel of vulnerability. Trust involves placing our trembling, beating (and at times beaten) heart into the open palms of another, taking a deep breath, and waiting. Then there’s the pause, deceivingly short, like the space betwee ..read more
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Letter’s to a couple in crisis
Northampton Center for Couples Therapy Blog
by Kerry Lusignan
10M ago
January 29th 2024 It has been a while since I have written. In the past, I have stayed in touch with updates, letting you know about essays I have published with The Gottman Institute or announcements concerning happenings at my center, The Northampton Center for Couples Therapy. I have written to you when I am offering my online seminar, Is My Marriage Worth Saving, or my digital course, Crisis to Connected (C2C). Today, I am writing to you with an idea. On the heels of wrapping up my sixth round of teaching C2C, I’ve had two solid months to reflect. This reflection has been a long time com ..read more
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More Media for Men: Top 5+ Videos for Men Looking to Improve Their Relationships and Emotional Intelligence
Northampton Center for Couples Therapy Blog
by Patrick Rathbun
1y ago
As a psychotherapist, I am a big proponent of using supplemental resources within and outside couples therapy sessions. So many wonderful resources exist that speak to the best practices of how we should and should not engage with our partners. The following examples are especially resonant and helpful for self-awareness, motivation, and inspiration: Videos: #5 Stan Tatkin: Tatkin talks about the bio-psycho-social parts of relationships and how they impact our togetherness. He’s written several books and is willing to be provocative, especially in his work with couples. In this TED talk, he d ..read more
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More Media for Men: Top 10+ Videos and Podcasts for Men Looking to Improve Their Relationships and Emotional Intelligence
Northampton Center for Couples Therapy Blog
by Patrick Rathbun
1y ago
As a psychotherapist, I am a big proponent of using supplemental resources within and outside couples therapy sessions. So many wonderful resources exist that speak to the best practices of how we should and should not engage with our partners. The following examples are especially resonant and helpful for self-awareness, motivation, and inspiration: Videos: #5 Stan Tatkin: Tatkin talks about the bio-psycho-social parts of relationships and how they impact our togetherness. He’s written several books and is willing to be provocative, especially in his work with couples. In this TED talk, he d ..read more
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Sinead O’Connor Did Not Leave Us— We Left Her
Northampton Center for Couples Therapy Blog
by Kerry Lusignan
1y ago
I get the text while sitting defeated in my car on the side of the road. I’ve been searching for a place called Gun Powder Falls, and I’m staring at Google Maps when my phone pings with a message from a friend. Sinead left us. It takes a moment to sink in, to fully comprehend. Sinead O’Connor, who struggled with mental health issues her entire life, who had the same diagnoses — bipolar and borderline personality disorder — as the sister I lost to suicide just seven months prior — is dead. I go to Spotify, find a playlist, and put on Troy. My hands are trembling. Immediately I am transported t ..read more
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Laying Down Our Weapons
Northampton Center for Couples Therapy Blog
by Lucy Sunday
1y ago
Sometimes the rightest thing is being wrong What is relational intelligence?  I define relational intelligence (RQ) as being both intra- and inter-personally skillful. Intrapersonal intelligence is of primary importance because healthy relating starts with knowing oneself. One can undoubtedly obtain behavioral tips that might enhance social skills, but relational intelligence goes deeper. It concerns how we cultivate connections by learning to listen and speaking to be heard. It is about curiosity, connection, and willingness. Relational intelligence means learning to identify what’s on y ..read more
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Is it Really About the Lemons?
Northampton Center for Couples Therapy Blog
by JP Posnak
1y ago
Relational Intelligence is doable Relational intelligence, or “RQ,” is a big buzzword lately. Esther Perel has recently re-introduced the concept into popular culture, defining it as “the set of skills that we bring to knowing how to live our relationships.” Understanding the concept of RQ can be difficult. What exactly does it mean to “live our relationships?” Even the name “RQ” suggests it’s an innate trait we either have or don’t. While it may seem elusive, it’s by no means unobtainable.  A big part of relational intelligence is understanding that conflict always runs deep. While some ..read more
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