It was the type of abandon unique to crisis and duress — when going kamikaze seems like a sound and wise decision. When I reentered the dating scene at 42, I felt like Rip Van Winkle. Like I had been sleeping for the entirety of my marriage and that, upon my waking, found everyone in my orbit had grown a little fatter, greyer, balder, and a tad more jaded. It was hard to fathom because it inferred I was also fatter, grayer, and jaded, and I felt somewhat sure that was not the case. During my decade-plus of marriage, I was in the married club. A fellowship that anoints its members with the pe ..read more

February 12th, 2024 Should I give my partner another chance? How do you know if a person is trustworthy?    Can I learn to trust if I have a history of being hurt? Ultimately, the question of whether to trust your partner, at its core, concerns the dilemma of whether or not to risk. Because inherent in any act that carries even a smidgen of hope is a kernel of vulnerability. Trust involves placing our trembling, beating (and at times beaten) heart into the open palms of another, taking a deep breath, and waiting. Then there’s the pause, deceivingly short, like the space betwee ..read more

January 29th 2024 It has been a while since I have written. In the past, I have stayed in touch with updates, letting you know about essays I have published with The Gottman Institute or announcements concerning happenings at my center, The Northampton Center for Couples Therapy. I have written to you when I am offering my online seminar, Is My Marriage Worth Saving, or my digital course, Crisis to Connected (C2C). Today, I am writing to you with an idea. On the heels of wrapping up my sixth round of teaching C2C, I’ve had two solid months to reflect. This reflection has been a long time com ..read more

As a psychotherapist, I am a big proponent of using supplemental resources within and outside couples therapy sessions. So many wonderful resources exist that speak to the best practices of how we should and should not engage with our partners. The following examples are especially resonant and helpful for self-awareness, motivation, and inspiration: Videos: #5 Stan Tatkin: Tatkin talks about the bio-psycho-social parts of relationships and how they impact our togetherness. He’s written several books and is willing to be provocative, especially in his work with couples. In this TED talk, he d ..read more

As a psychotherapist, I am a big proponent of using supplemental resources within and outside couples therapy sessions. So many wonderful resources exist that speak to the best practices of how we should and should not engage with our partners. The following examples are especially resonant and helpful for self-awareness, motivation, and inspiration: Videos: #5 Stan Tatkin: Tatkin talks about the bio-psycho-social parts of relationships and how they impact our togetherness. He’s written several books and is willing to be provocative, especially in his work with couples. In this TED talk, he d ..read more

I get the text while sitting defeated in my car on the side of the road. I’ve been searching for a place called Gun Powder Falls, and I’m staring at Google Maps when my phone pings with a message from a friend. Sinead left us. It takes a moment to sink in, to fully comprehend. Sinead O’Connor, who struggled with mental health issues her entire life, who had the same diagnoses — bipolar and borderline personality disorder — as the sister I lost to suicide just seven months prior — is dead. I go to Spotify, find a playlist, and put on Troy. My hands are trembling. Immediately I am transported t ..read more

Sometimes the rightest thing is being wrong What is relational intelligence?  I define relational intelligence (RQ) as being both intra- and inter-personally skillful. Intrapersonal intelligence is of primary importance because healthy relating starts with knowing oneself. One can undoubtedly obtain behavioral tips that might enhance social skills, but relational intelligence goes deeper. It concerns how we cultivate connections by learning to listen and speaking to be heard. It is about curiosity, connection, and willingness. Relational intelligence means learning to identify what’s on y ..read more

Relational Intelligence is doable Relational intelligence, or “RQ,” is a big buzzword lately. Esther Perel has recently re-introduced the concept into popular culture, defining it as “the set of skills that we bring to knowing how to live our relationships.” Understanding the concept of RQ can be difficult. What exactly does it mean to “live our relationships?” Even the name “RQ” suggests it’s an innate trait we either have or don’t. While it may seem elusive, it’s by no means unobtainable.  A big part of relational intelligence is understanding that conflict always runs deep. While some ..read more

Content warning: This article discusses sexual themes, including sexual trauma, that may be triggering to some readers.  There’s no shortage of advice out there for improving the sex in your marriage or relationship. And even though it may be well-intentioned, much of this advice is not all that helpful. It usually tends to focus on sexual positions, which ignores deeper-rooted issues, and is seldom given by experts. In a committed relationship, a satisfying sex life is about more than just a physical connection. It results from a deep emotional connection in which both partners feel saf ..read more

Are you and your partner considering couples therapy? If so, congratulations on taking the first step! Even if one partner is more willing than the other, deciding to go to couples therapy is half the battle. Research from Dr. John Gottman shows unhappy couples wait an average of six years before seeking help, and by then, it’s often too late. In his research, Gottman also found prevention to be 3x more effective than intervention. So you don’t need to be in crisis to go to couples therapy. On the contrary, it’s better to get ahead of things and invest in your relationship before issues arise ..read more