The Seven-Steps for a Good Apology In a previous post, I discussed the benefits of helping couples write an impact statement as the first step in the process of apology. In this post, I want to spell out the steps for a good apology. The process of apology is one of those essential tools every couples therapist needs in order to help couples heal from hurts. This is work of the second stage of the couples therapy treatment, after the couple has been somewhat stabilized and can find a way to self-regulate their reactivity. The couples therapist can guide each partner in the process of designing ..read more

For couples who have been together for a long time, there is no shortage of blame to go around on both sides. The problem is that most partners believe-erroneously- that their mates are more to blame than themselves.  If you’ve been working with a couple for a while, and you feel like you are not making enough progress, it may be time for the impact statement session.  Some partners have trouble being accountable for their own actions. The impact statement is the beginning of accountability and is the first step in the process of apology making during the second stage of th ..read more

There were 10-minutes left in the session when I remembered a powerful intervention I learned a long time ago during my couples therapist training and I want to share it with you. I asked: When your children grow up, what words to you want them to use to describe your relationship? We had spent the entire session talking about their-non-existent- sexual life. They both wanted to have more sexual encounters, but as they said almost in unison: “It’s just not happening!”. Couples present with a variety of sexual issues. Sexual desire discrepancy is one of the most common presenting problem in con ..read more

How Can Couples Therapists Help During Separation or Divorce? In part I of Helping Couples Uncouple Well, I described how couples can design their future with creativity and an open mind. I described separation agreements, nesting agreements, and open relationships. Sometimes, couples who separate get back together, but sometimes they move on to get divorced. The above arrangements may be temporary and after a while, couples may decide to break up. When couples get to that point, they have a lot of choices to make. They need to choose their legal options, where they are going to live, how they ..read more

Designing the future with creativity and an open mind Part 1 When it comes to uncoupling, one size does not fit all. We didn’t learn this in grad school. We got some training in doing couples therapy, but most likely, we didn’t learn much about how to help couples uncouple well. Many couples who decide to separate or divorce often quit couples therapy. It doesn’t have to be that way. We can redefine our role and help them in a way that is dignified and fits their style, their issues, and their situation. When partners decide that they no longer want to be together, I now tell them a version of ..read more

The information I use in this blog has been inspired by the work of Martha Kauppi, Marty Klein, Emily Nagoski and Barry McCarthy. There comes a point in the treatment with a couple, when we have to start talking about sex. Talking about sexual issues is not the easiest for couples to do, but let’s face it: for most of us, it’s not easy either. Getting more comfortable talking with our clients about sex will help the couple become more comfortable. At a minimum, we need to be able to discuss pleasure, desire, and arousal. We don’t need to be certified sex therapists in order to help our couples ..read more

If you work with couples, I’m sure you’ve experienced this; You wish that a couple you are working with didn’t come back for treatment or didn’t show up for a session. You know which couples I am talking about. They don’t do their homework. They cancel at the last minute. They say they don’t know what they want to talk about today. They don’t remember anything about the last session-the one you thought was a breakthrough in the case. They fight. They blame. I'm no different than other couples therapists even though I've been working with couples for decades.  Sometimes, I wish that they d ..read more

This was a bad week. About half of the couples I am seeing, are going through a severe crisis. And that has an effect on my clinical self-esteem: I feel incompetent. Here is a sample of my self-talk after a session with certain couples in crisis this week: “I should have read that book” “I should have interrupted the session” “I shouldn’t have made that mistake” “What was I thinking when I decided to work exclusively with couples”. And one of my personal favorites: “If I were a better therapist, this would not be happening”. When I went through couples therapy training, I didn’t even think tha ..read more

In what ways is a romantic relationship like a business? A relationship is a fragile emotional bond. Things can go wrong at any time, and wreck the bond for good. But in addition to an emotional bond, a long term committed relationship is also a business-like bond. The problem is, most couples don’t think of themselves as running a business-like organization. It’s not very romantic. And like a business, a couple relationship can fail when its members don’t meet regularly. Most clinical couples I work with don’t schedule: Hang out meetings just for fun Division of labor meetings about does wha ..read more

Consider These Ten Strategies Survival states of mind Couples get emotionally dysregulated in a session fairly often. Couples therapists who work with dysregulated couples can lose empathy and can become dysregulated themselves. So it’s important for the therapist to have a set of strategies at their fingertips. What can you do, as the couples therapist, to help partners bring their “higher brains” back online? Self-regulation and co-regulation are important activities for counselors who work with couples to learn. The couples therapist can explain to the clients that “no productive conversati ..read more