(Based on the work of Pete Pearson and Ellyn Bader) Relationships are a challenge. That is an understatement. They are a challenge because the opportunities to disagree are practically limitless. For a relationship to survive, couples have to develop some really effective methods to make decisions, solve problems, and negotiate better solutions when they disagree. Most of us make several mistakes when it comes to dealing with disagreements: Caving in too quickly to avoid tensions, or to keep the peace. Stubbornly pushing too hard for our partner to change their minds Worrying too much about w ..read more

Designing the future with creativity and an open mind. When it comes to uncoupling, one size does not fit all. I want to tell you about some non-traditional ideas to help couples uncouple well. Many couples who decide to separate or divorce often quit couples therapy. It doesn’t have to be that way. You can continue or even start couples therapy to get help in a way that is dignified and fits your style, your issues, and your situation.   When partners decide that they no longer want to be together, I now tell them a version of the following: “Regardless of whether you stay togethe ..read more

How Can Couples Counseling Help Couples to Uncouple Well? In part I of Helping Couples Uncouple Well, I described how couples can design their future with creativity and an open mind. I described separation agreements, nesting agreements, and open relationships. Sometimes, couples who separate get back together, but sometimes they move on to get divorced. The above arrangements may be temporary and after a while, couples may decide to break up. When couples get to that point, they have a lot of choices to make. They need to choose their legal options, where they are going to live, how they wil ..read more

Finding a qualified counselor to help you with your relationship isn’t always straightforward or easy. Couples often contact a therapist in times of distress and may decide to see the first therapist who has an opening. And these days, there seems to be a mental health crisis in the US, and the shortage of qualified therapists who work with couples has become even more severe. Many therapists who work with couples have not had any specialized training working with distressed couples. Qualified couples therapists may have a variety of degrees or licenses. The most important aspect is their trai ..read more

If you’ve been on my email list for a while, you know that I send about 4 newsletters a year. For this New Year’s Newsletter, I am doing something different. I recently discovered John Roedel. He’s my new favorite poet because of the way he captures our human dilemmas and struggles. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do. For those of you who are new on my list, I encourage you to see my old newsletters here. Also, you can browse older topics here and click on one that interests you. Finally, feel free to forward the links to someone you know and encourage them to sign up to receive the n ..read more

Are you getting into a vicious cycle? For some people, touch deprivation is a real thing and it affects their mood and the immune system. Maybe you become more irritable when not touched on a regular basis. When you are in a bad mood, you may not feel like touching or being touched by your partner. Same if your partner does something that upsets you. You then stop doing the things that used to get you back into the “sandbox” to play, you get even more irritable, and you feel like touching/being touched even less often, which makes you or your partner even more upset or irritable. If this ..read more

Lessons from a writer The brain First, let’s talk about the brain.   Now more than ever, the world can be cruel and stressful. We carry this stress with us into our own relationships. Whether we handle our stress by fighting or by avoiding fights, one thing is for sure: The brain in involved. We share about 98% of our brains with apes. Yes, you read that right! Humans share 98% of DNA with chimpanzees. The 2% difference resides in the prefrontal cortex (PFC). The PFC is the thinking, planning, and information gathering and problem-solving part of the brain. But we share with othe ..read more

Once one or both partners recognize, “Hey, I’ve been unhappy for a long time and I don’t want to be,” it’s time to commit yourself to changing the dynamic, says Sara Schwarzbaum, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Couples Counseling Associates in Chicago. Keep reading → The post 7 Complaints of Long-Married Couples appeared first on Couples Counseling Associates | Chicago ..read more

Practical tips to reduce conflict during the holiday season (or anytime)! The holiday seasons is a good time of the year to ask yourself, “What can I do better?”; “What shifts can I make?”; “What can I change?” I’m sure that you’ve heard that “you cannot change your partner, you can only change yourself.” This is true. But I’m sure you also often hear the phrase “People don’t change.” This is not true. Of course, people change! They learn new things about themselves, their partners, their children, their friends, and their parents. They adjust to transitions, they change their dreams, their as ..read more

Assessing anger is a mini blog series examining the meaning of anger, how to manage anger and how it can play out in relationships. If you missed part one, read it here. Part 2: Anger as an unmet need, desire or expectation Frequent angry feelings toward your partner may mean that some of your needs have not been met. Our unmet needs, desires and expectations can include: Important and ReasonableExample: You want your partner to love you and respect you. This type is justifiable and reasonable. Reasonable but UnimportantExample: You want to eat Chinese food, and she wants Italian food.Altho ..read more