What kind of a landlord evicts his tenants just for having a three-day, all-hours music fest at his house?! I’m getting out the lease because there’s no way our landlord said we couldn’t have grindcore shows in the living room! I can’t wait to see his face when a guy that’s been drinking 24 oz Steel Reserves around the clock for seventeen days lawyers him back to fuck-you-landlord-town. It’s an open and shut case, and I don’t mean the case of high gravity lager I’m gonna drink before my next shift as a bus driver. Section 1: Tenant is responsible for general maintenance of the lawn and cleanli ..read more

Working the teen beat for the Hard Times can be a challenge. We’re not exactly the site’s most prized section and we haven’t even gotten an assignment since my Crust Punk Guide to Clear Skin. So we were SOOOOO excited when our editor gave us the chance to interview the hunks in Pig Destroyer after their set at the Scum Bucket. Sure, our editor was looking at the metal reporter when he said it, but we just popped right out of our seat and told her we had the perfect interview angle… what would a dream date with the pretty boys from Virginia’s most brutal grindcore band look like? Before anyone ..read more

LOS ANGELES — Grindcore frontwoman and recent gynecological patient Lexi Tyler discovered her never-before-heard guttural vocal abilities during an IUD insertion procedure earlier this month, impressed sources confirmed. “I was told to take a deep breath by the doctor and then next thing I knew, I was death growling my way through what felt like Satan, himself, fisting me with a flaming glove of razor blades,” said Tyler. “For years, I’ve been trying to sing like that but have only been able to scream, at best. Who knew I just needed one archaic, dangerously downplayed procedure to sound kind ..read more

FRANKENMUTH, Mich. — Local grindcore band Ültimate Castration came under fire for adding a completely unnecessary umlaut over the ‘u’ in its name, an addition that does not serve any linguistic function. “Before they added it, they were just a kickass local band that I let crash at my place once or twice,” said former friend of the band Jens Stevenson, of the uncalled-for umlaut addition to the name. “But now they’re way too serious, and those dots are the icing on the cake. They think that the umlaut will cement their supposed status as heir to the Assück throne. Now I can’t even look them up ..read more

SINGAPORE — Members of grindcore trio Wormrot announced their vocalist Arif Rot is being replaced by the random goat that became an internet sensation after being photographed watching the band at a show in 2012. “For the past decade we have had people asking us about the goat. They want to know if the goat tours with us, they want to know if the goat is cool in person, and they want to know if they can feed the goat some corn,” said drummer Vijesh Ghariwala. “We get it, people want the grind goat. I wasn’t easy, but after hours of negotiations with the farmer that owns him we were finally abl ..read more

NEW YORK — New safe injection site, Harm Reduction and Education Center, was deemed “fascist” by Marcus “Scuzz” Benitez after refusing to let him put up flyers for his band Rotten Abscess, nodding off sources confirmed. “I’m a regular here! If I went to a coffee shop every day I know they’d let me put up a flyer!” said Benitez as he dug through a dumpster behind a bagel shop. “I don’t know why these fascists in charge of a place for people to friggin’ shoot up don’t want to let the people know Rotten Abscess is playing with Clit Sucker and Gang Peen at the Avenue D Squat. Service to the commun ..read more

ERIE, Pa. — Self-proclaimed grindcore aficionado Eduard Riva has vanished from the internet in recent months, as Facebook’s content flagging protocols continue to catch and block the majority of their online activity discussing the genre’s major players, sources within their social media circles confirmed. “My online identity has essentially been erased,” Riva claimed while adjusting their unevenly set septum ring. “My last three posts were all taken down because they were about Pig Destroyer, Anal Cunt, and Fuck the Facts. In the case of Fuck the Facts, you think Facebook would be more than w ..read more

BALTIMORE — Local audio engineer Pat “Filth” Filtrenzo realized yesterday that his “pay by the hour” business model was deeply flawed after multiple grindcore bands were able to finish recording full albums in less than 60 minutes. “I was so excited to finally make a living doing something I love that I thought I’d give back to my community,” the 41-year-old entrepreneur and head of Sickriff Recording explained. “I set my hourly rate relatively low so more bands could have access to studio time. I booked this band PUSSLIP to record their 18-song full-length record ‘Mucus Puke Us,’ and it took ..read more

NEWTON, Mass. — Recently discovered Anal Cunt demo tapes will be released later this year, detailing new subjects former frontman Seth Putnam once considered “gay,” Wicked Sick Records representatives confirmed. “These tracks reveal a whole new side of Seth — a side people have never seen before. A side that thinks Pearl Jam is gay, a side that thinks rednecks are gay, and a more progressive side of him that thinks politics are gay,” said Anal Cunt drummer Tim Morse. “These songs are a must have for any Anal Cunt completionists out there.” Set to release in April, the 87 unheard tracks clock i ..read more

PITTSBURGH — After blasting through the first 27 songs of their set last night, local grindcore vocalist Alex Brown asked if his band had time to play several more songs before their performance was scheduled to end, sources confirmed. “Hey, thanks again to GoreFest for having us,” said Brown after a brief pause in the set. “Really means alot to us. Hey, do you think we could do, like, nine more real quick? Nine? Is nine good? No? How about eight?” Brown’s band, They Call It a Wasteland, played fifth out of 29 bands, receiving the coveted 7:20-7:40 time slot at the second annual GoreFest. The ..read more