Few emotions are denied as vehemently as envy. Envy implies weakness like few others. Many of our younger patients find it challenging to believe that their peers envy them. They often tell us, “You’re just trying to be nice.” And many of our older patients can’t imagine that a cold and abusive parent envied them. Yet, envy, like anger or fear, is a fundamental emotion that all of us feel. Envy is not only wanting to have something, whether a quality or possession, that someone else has, but believing that they don’t deserve it. In that sense, one can justify any sort of punishment for the sin ..read more

For some, asking for help feels like a threat; the need to do so invariably makes them feel inferior. “Why should I need to ask?” “You should already know!” In the game of emotional hot potato, we blame our partners for feeling vulnerable, more precisely, for feeling inferior. While something like asking for help or setting a boundary is common, individuals preoccupied with hierarchies view both as signs of weakness, indicators of a potential loss of power or position, or disrespect. Their worlds are like old-time movies, experienced in black and white. In that world, the kings expect to be se ..read more

For some, asking for help feels like a threat; the need to do so invariably makes them feel inferior. “Why should I need to ask?” “You should already know!” In the game of emotional hot potato, we blame our partners for feeling vulnerable, more precisely, for feeling inferior. While something like asking for help or setting a boundary is common, individuals preoccupied with hierarchies view both as signs of weakness, indicators of a potential loss of power or position, or disrespect. Their worlds are like old-time movies, experienced in black and white. In that world, the kings expect to be se ..read more

For some, potential, negative experiences, like harm or death, carry the weight of their biggest fears. For others, their own, everyday, emotions do. They live in terror of their own anger, anxiety, sadness, and even joy. Each of these emotions do little more than forebode. Anxiety indicates the worst case scenarios. Anger indicates loss. Sadness indicates hopelessness. And joy indicates disappointment. To these individuals, emotions aren’t to be managed, and they certainty aren’t helpful; abstractly, they’re mere insights into the relentless tragedy of life. What is bad is bad and what is goo ..read more

In his autobiography, Based on a True Story, comedian Norm Macdonald details his years long gambling addiction, which cost him his life-savings on three, yep three, separate occasions. In a poignant reflection in the book, he informs his readers about what sustains any gambling addiction (and one can generalize his comments to any addiction). Contrary to popular belief, he notes, it isn’t winning, since most gambling addicts lose most of their money anyway; in reality, it’s merely the hope of winning. That initial moment between the dice having been thrown and landing on the table, that dopami ..read more

Some people will watch you burn and pretend they had nothing to do with it, or worse, that you did it to yourself. In a recent argument with someone, I was told, “Well, isn’t that your problem that I’m like this?” I responded with, “It’s actually ours.” The responsibility dodger is often a mild-mannered individual, whose rage is perfectly sewn up within a carefully maintained yet threadbare fabric. Like hidden treasure, one touch and it’s revealed. The responsibility dodger isn’t necessarily the blowhard shamer, whose tendencies are much easier to spot and censure. Sometimes, he’s just a highl ..read more

Humans, like animals in pain, recoil from any perceived threat by hiding. Rejection sensitivity, common to various forms of personality issues, begets a range of defenses: gaslighting, deflecting, and even rejecting. Some of these are so intrinsic that their use is lost on the individual. But, seldom acknowledged is dependence as a learned defense against danger. Sometimes, it’s presented as fawning, but it’s much more than that. While the concept indicates an outward show of reverence, it fails to account for the internalized expectation of a forgery of divine grace. For the dependent persona ..read more

Chronic defensiveness, like chronic avoidance, isn’t a victimless crime. In our self-protected cocoons, sheltering us from the exaggerated slings and arrows of existence, we often fail to note how our armors scar our opponents – the ones we love. For the fragile psyche, the pangs of emotional harm, and the accompanying catastrophic predictions, create an intolerable tension. Do we run or do we fight? Will they lose respect for us? And what would that mean if they did? Chronic defensiveness, or the unwillingness to tolerate and consider criticism, frequently manifests in the consulting room of ..read more

Culture and trauma can synthesize into an obsession with hyper-masculinity. Whether it’s Tony Soprano, any of James Cagney’s early portrayals, or any other anti-hero, this formula holds true for all of them. And young boys all over the United States worship them, seeing what and who they can become, despite their own chronic victimhood. In 1992’s Juice, Tupac Shakur’s character, Bishop, tells his friend how much he loves James Cagney in White Heat because, “That motherfucker took his destiny into his own hands.” Bishop, both volatile and apathetic, presents with all of the traits of hyper-masc ..read more

Imagine living a life wherein unless it reached its full potential, you would die disgusted by its existence. I’ve put so much of my life on hold, patiently waiting for all of the things I’ll never have. My greatest enemy isn’t one but many: each and every one of my limitations. At a party some time ago, someone told me that I should have made a romantic gesture to a woman I appeared to have a connection with, asserting that she was as good as it was going to get for me. The old me would’ve been livid, but a watered-down, or more maybe enlightened, form actually felt grateful. She was beautifu ..read more