If you follow me on Instagram, you may have seen that my reel about communication differences recently went viral. “These three communication differences will totally change the way you see your interactions with friends and family,” the video opens. Since then, the three communication differences⁠—Volunteer vs. Invite-Only, Asker vs. Guesser, and Builder vs. Maintainer⁠—have helped millions of people understand how they and their loved ones communicate⁠⁠—and have healed incorrect assumptions that had hurt their relationships for years. So today, we’re doing a COMPLETE deep-dive into the thre ..read more

You can’t milk orange juice from a cow. But this is exactly we try to do when we don’t radically accept other people for who they are. Orange juice is my favorite drink. Always has been, always will be. So I find a cow. I tell her allllll about my love of orange juice. And I try to milk some orange juice from her. I’m pretty bummed when I get milk instead. To be honest, I’m frustrated with the cow. She knows I like orange juice. Couldn’t she make some if she just tried harder? I take some time to think. Perhaps the cow just needs to be convinced that I am worthy of orange juice! So I stick ar ..read more

This year, I realized I was tired of being let down. I was tired of feeling frustrated by a partner’s consistent unwillingness to communicate. I was tired of being disappointed by a family member’s chronic anger. I was tired of feeling habitually unseen in a few one-sided friendships. At first, my disappointment was simply anger: “I can’t believe they still aren’t meeting my simple needs after all this time—and after hundreds of conversations.” But after a while, I realized that my disappointment was, in some ways, a two way street. In order for someone to consistently let me down, I first nee ..read more

Five years ago, I began breaking the people-pleasing pattern. I was exhausted from a lifetime of over-giving, and I relied heavily on social media for the encouragement I needed to start setting boundaries. My Instagram feed was awash with quotes like “If they don’t like your boundaries, cut them out!” and “You never have to explain your boundaries to anyone!” and “Never take care of others’ emotions after setting a boundary!” After years of neglecting myself for others’ sake, these hardline messages resonated with me. And in some situations, they really worked. I blocked the aggressive ex who ..read more

Someone acts inappropriately toward you, and instead of setting a boundary, you smile, laugh, and pretend to be unbothered. Hours later, when you’re alone, you’re haunted by all the words you should have⁠ said.⁠ You’re so frustrated with yourself for not speaking up, and you wonder⁠—once again⁠—why it’s so hard to address these things in the moment. Can you relate? I know the feeling intimately. In fact, I just experienced it last week. An acquaintance made me uncomfortable with his behavior, but in the moment, I didn’t say anything. I felt all the blood rush into my face and I merely smiled ..read more

As recovering people-pleasers, many of us have spent a lifetime putting others’ needs first at the expense of our own. As we heal, we’re beginning to understand that having a more balanced, peaceful, and satisfying life requires that we honor our needs and make them known in our relationships. But many of us discount our completely reasonable and commonplace needs as “unreasonable” or “too much.” Especially if we’ve spent our lives surrounded by neglectful, distant, or emotionally unavailable people—a common experience for the people-pleaser—we may have come to believe that basic needs for aff ..read more

Here’s the truth: Every single one of my friends and family members has, at one time or another, overwhelmed me, made me angry, hurt my feelings, or acted in ways I didn’t approve of. This is normal because we’re human, and humans⁠—even humans who love each other⁠—have differences and make mistakes. Boundaries enable us to sustain our relationships through these hard times and challenging interactions. These days, we hear a lot about boundaries as tools to end relationships⁠—“If they hurt you, cut them out!” cries the internet—but boundaries are also excellent tools for sustaining relationship ..read more

Have you heard the phrase self-abandonment? It’s exactly what it sounds like: the act (consciously or not) of disowning our own feelings, needs, desires, values, priorities, and sometimes, even bodies. People-pleasing is one way that self-abandonment manifests⁠—but it’s not the only way. Self-abandonment can also look like feeling painfully uncomfortable in our own company, trying to change or control others’ actions because we’re disconnected from our own sense of agency⁠, or trespassing others’ boundaries because we’re so desperate for their reassurance⁠. So ⁠what’s the difference between pe ..read more

    You can’t milk orange juice from a cow. But this is exactly we try to do when we don’t radically accept other people for who they are. Orange juice is my favorite drink. Always has been, always will be. So I find a cow. I tell her allllll about my love of orange juice. And I try to milk some orange juice from her. I’m pretty bummed when I get milk instead. To be honest, I’m frustrated with the cow. She knows I like orange juice. Couldn’t she make some if she just tried harder? I take some time to think. Perhaps the cow just needs to be convinced that I am worthy of orange juice ..read more

Many recovering people-pleasers are deeply thinking, deeply feeling people. Sensitive people. Some are easily overstimulated. Some need more time alone than most people.  Some need a lot of space to rest and recoup after a busy day. Whether we’re highly sensitive people (like 20% of the population) or not, many of us have been told “you’re too sensitive” throughout our lives⁠. Even if we haven’t been told those words explicitly, many of us feel too sensitive as we struggle to cope with our never-enough, productivity-focused, too-big-too-fast culture. As one of these sensitive souls, I rem ..read more