This is inspired by the post on Avoidance. First, my approach to ‘toxic shame’ is a lot from IFS. I used to totally buy into the term ‘toxic shame’ because unlike ‘healthy shame’, it feels like someone chokes me, then tie my hands and arms and I can’t escape. My heart is racing and I feel paralyzed. From and IFS framework, you have the exile carrying the shame then protector parts either shaming you or driving you to avoid/procrastinate. These protectors have the job of protecting the exiles from being triggered. The point is: they make you feel bad but to prevent you to feel another total-co ..read more

There was one detail left after my 2 part avoidance post that I still hadn't solved: how to do we get avoidance in the first place. How do we go from regulated to avoiding, often without even noticing. Turns out the answer was in my podcast cue: a talk on toxic shame. To understand how toxic shame can interrupt behaviors and trigger avoidance, we have to understand a bit of how behaviors are created internally. The process between becoming aware of a thing to do and actually doing (or avoiding) it. The famous neuroscientist Antonia Damasio started to solve this when he realized that his patie ..read more

I wrote a text about how to find a therapist for CPTSD. I hope someone will find it helpful. Contents: Introduction Finding a Therapist is Hard What Therapy Should I Go To? Reenactment of Trauma in Therapeutic Relationship and its Healing Good vs Good-enough Extra: What if I don’t have the Money Introduction In this short text I will offer some advice on the not-so-often discussed topic of how to find a good therapist to guide us along the process of healing childhood trauma, be it a personality disorder, or CPTSD. One quick glance at the support forums proves that this is the main problem ..read more

I spent part of this week working through a therapist training webinar by Dr Fisher on treating avoidance in traumatized clients. The post title is not a direct quote but a key clarification she offer to therapists to understand the patterns these client have. Note: Because this webinar is presented for people with education and experience in therapy practice, I will not be linking it. It is available for free on her website for those interested. Content warning: frank discussion of the therapist's internal and professional experience may be triggering to some people, particularly those prone ..read more

So I repeatedly hear a dropping sound of a small item in my dishwasher. I suspected it was the dishwashing tab. I opened the machine. And realized oh it’s in the dirty soaking water pre-cycle. I put it back in and thought the tab door was broken. So I tried several times and finally put a tape on it. Each time only to hear the tab dropped out. I started to feel annoyed and googled. What problems do you think may have caused the tab to keep falling out? How much would it cost to fix this burdensome out-of-warranty machine? Turned out the machine’s door is designed to open to drop this tab into ..read more

Growing up in an abusive household, I could block the voices of the abuse out with heavy and loud music. From the heavy guitar distortions in the metal genre to the loud and fast beat in rave music. I would listen to it, after they screamed the most awful things to me. I would sit quietly in peace or I would dance secretly in my room in front of the mirror. I felt alive in a hellish environment and knew I could travel to far destinations with music while staying in one place. I was foolish to let this all go when I finally moved on my own. I decided I wanted to be an adult, more importantly a ..read more

I have a lot of issues with dysregulation in certain situations. And today I was having another episode where I got overwhelmed and triggered, but I got an Ulta magazine in the mail and started sniffing the little perfume samples and I noticed a couple minutes later that I was calm and collected. And another few minutes later I felt so calm and energized and I could think clearly. It was amazing! I hope this can also aid others too to help them calm down from a trigger. Previously I tried all sorts of stuff but nothing seemed to calm me down. Only thing is now I need a constant supply of diff ..read more

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I've always struggled with experiencing emotions in the moment due to being conditioned to be neutral all the time - I'm sure many can relate. I've tried meditating on feelings in the past and it would be effective to a degree. But I took some time to ask my inner child, and other inner entities, to collect their held emotions from the past. I visualized them as glasses of water and asked to please collect the water and add it to a bucket, with a promise we would deal with the bucket together. Then, when I'd feel my body begin to show signs of dissociation or pain, I'd lay down and focus on t ..read more

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