For parents, spouses, siblings, adult children, and anyone who loves someone with symptoms of BPD or NPD. May I be present, centered, and grounded to the greatest extent possible, May I act with compassion for myself and others, May I be skillful and effective, And may my Wise Mind be the light that guides me ..read more

"The phenomenon of highly dependent adult children who are not actively engaged in productive occupational, educational, or vocational endeavors is common and challenging for all involved. Parent-based treatment can provide a practical and potentially efficacious solution that does not rely on direct participation of the adult child." -Eli Lebowitz Does your adolescent or adult child have anxiety, panic attacks, phobias, a rigid style of thinking, an obsessive style of behaving, or even a diagnosis of OCD? Are they refusing to work or study and expecting you to resolve all their problems and ..read more

The year-end holidays can be wonderful. Families share more time together and (hopefully) have fun. Food usually brings people together and at the holidays this is no exception. In addition there are often rituals, music, stories, and special events that can strengthen a sense of belonging and feelings of comfort, joy, and mutual love. Therein lie the problems as well. Emotions can be more intense and expectations can be high just as family members and loved-ones come together from near and far. The result can be a spicy interpersonal stew (if the kitchen doesn’t burn down first!) All kiddin ..read more

Arguably one of the most important life skills in DBT! Emotional regulation includes a whole set of skills and which we choose depends upon the situation. First each skill has to be understood and practiced separately. In a short series of articles, I will break the emotional regulation skills down into manageable pieces. In the 12-week workshop, we learned about the function of emotions and the components of emotions. We learned the basics of how to observe and describe emotions by deconstructing an emotion into various parts. Being aware of our feelings and being able to describe what we ar ..read more

Does the emotion fit the facts? Emotions can trigger thoughts and interpretations about events and they can distort our perception, which in turn can increase the intensity of the emotion. It is so easy to be judgmental, critical, or to make distorted interpretations about an incident when we are in emotional mind. Emotions can hijack our thinking and we don't even realize it. Beliefs about a situation that are faulty or extreme are often tied into emotional escalation and even problems that don't exist. Black and white, or extreme thinking: "She never finishes anything," as opposed to "She h ..read more

If we can change the emotion by solving the problem, then first solve the problem! Problem solving is an emotional regulation strategy when: 1) a problem is what triggers an emotional reaction, and 2) the problem can be resolved. If the emotion is too intense to go into problem solving mode, then distress tolerance, self-soothing, self-validation, or other acceptance strategies are probably necessary as a first step. However, when an unwanted emotion fits the facts and the facts are a problem, then we need problem solving skills. If you have a loved one in this situation, do NOT solve their p ..read more

Opposite action is more than a skill. It is a philosophy of life. Like dialectics or radical acceptance or mindfulness, this is a DBT skill that we can learn through exercises, but then it becomes a lifetime practice to apply over and over again. The potency, the fluidity, the nuance, and the subtlety of this skill takes time and practice to fully appreciate. Opposite action is doing just the opposite of what our impulsive urges or cravings are telling us to do. It is like getting up and going out for a walk into a cold wind when one just wants relax at home where it is quiet and cozy and war ..read more

Now we have three strategies for regulating emotions: Checking the Facts, Opposite Action, and Problem Solving, (not to mention Mindfulness.) HOW DO WE DECIDE WHICH STRATEGY TO USE? Method 1: Identify the emotion that you are experiencing and the context in which arose. Then go to the flow chart on the right. Ask yourself, Does this emotion fit the facts? You can check the facts and see if the emotion is the result of your thoughts and interpretations or if it is justified by the facts. If you need help, go to the blog post, Check the Facts and download the worksheet if you need more help. I ..read more

PUTTING THEM ALL TOGETHER! Blog articles are floating around on my website and this is an attempt organize the Emotional Regulation Skills and make sense out of them! Key to Emotional Regulation Skills https://www.dbtcoach.com/post/emotional-regulation-intro 1. Mindfulness – you should be familiar with this skill! 2. Check the facts - https://www.dbtcoach.com/post/check-the-facts 3. Opposite Action - https://www.dbtcoach.com/post/copy-of-emotional-regulation 4. Solve the Problem - https://www.dbtcoach.com/post/problem-solving 5. Radical Acceptance - https://www.dbtcoach.com/post/radical-accept ..read more

A slow drip can dissolve rock, cut mountains in half, and reshape the planet. Can it cut through the stonewalling of your stubborn love one? Stonewalling Some people hold on to grudges. This might be passively ignoring another and only engaging superficially. Or it could be the deafening silence of relentless stonewalling. This article is for you if your loved one has been clinging to self-righteous anger for months or years, intent on punishing you from the other side of that stone wall they built. Stonewallers tend to have lots of complaints and lots of rules that will change according to th ..read more