As an ex-Christian, who at one point very much wanted to remain a Christian but found myself unable to, I have a very complicated relationship with testimonials, Christian colloquialisms, hymns, and other parts of Christian culture. I understand the often well-intended sentiment behind them, but I also struggle with the unintended implications and underlying meanings that I don’t think most Christians are aware of. There are a lot of things that Christians say to Ex-Christians that land differently than I think they’re intended to. Here’s a list of a few things that my Christian friends and fa ..read more

I often wonder why I cling to the past, to my fundamentalist, religious upbringing so much even though it has been the source of so much darkness and despair in my life. Am I just wallowing in self-pity? Am I being the bitter, resentful, unforgiving woman I was always taught not to be? Why is it so hard to let go–to face the future, move forward and leave the faith, the community, the memories behind? I think these questions and this experience are common for many of us in the Deconstruction community. I recently came across this poem by James Crews that perfectly encapsulates this experience ..read more

Fundamentalist homeschool families will say that they make their educational choices as a way to “protect” their kids from the world. I find this so interesting because I was always taught that Christians were supposed to be the salt and the light of the world. As a child in Sunday School, I remember singing “this little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine…hide it under a bushel OH NO! I’m gonna let it shine.” But we do hide our light. Many of the families who choose to homeschool actively choose to opt out of society and hide their light from the world. And from what I’ve learned in my own ..read more

There are 6,570 days in childhood. For most kids, those days are filled with education, school activities, friends, neighborhood shenanigans, creativity, play time, video games, sports, music, movies, TV, and pop culture. Some of that happens at home, but a lot of it happens out in the world, in the classroom, in youth organizations, or sports teams. For me and many kids like me who were homeschooled, our 6,570 days of childhood looked very different. For me, I spent the vast majority of those days in the insular environment of my home or conservative church, isolated from secular culture and ..read more

The concept for this poem came to me as I was driving down the highway and noticed that I could see the church of my childhood far in the distance. I was struck by the realization that this place which has taken up so much space in my mind and my past seemed so small from the highway and faded into the distance so quickly. I found both comfort and grief in that perspective. I also felt that this experience made a good metaphor for all of us ex-evangelical, deconstruction folks who are scattered far from our faith communities. I hope that it resonates with you as well. Passing By In the distanc ..read more

Gardening is an act of profound hope: hope that the plants will take root and flourish, hope that you will be here to enjoy the harvest. There have been several times in my life where I didn’t know if there would be a harvest, didn’t care if I was here to see it or not. Today, I was excited to see peas ready for picking and the first bright tomato blossoms hinting at this summer’s bounty. I marvel at watching the ways that plants live–whether it’s the weed growing from the impossibly small crack in the sidewalk to my peppers who wilt over and over, but always bounce back with a little care. I ..read more

In some odd quirk of nature, hundreds–maybe thousands–of fat, fuzzy black and green caterpillars descended upon our school grounds when I was in 4th grade. As a young girl, I was thrilled to see caterpillars on the lawn, sidewalks, tree trunks, and playground equipment. My mind was filled with visions of hundreds of beautiful butterflies filling the air in a few weeks when they all went through metamorphosis. It would be magical! Unfortunately, many of my classmates were not as enchanted with this vision as I was. The boys all got together and started stomping and squishing the caterpillars. D ..read more

When I’m at our local hardware store, I usually stop by the Plant Rescue area to see if I can find a sad succulent or dried out, discounted gerbera daisy to rescue. There’s usually a handful of plants on the rack, most beyond my ability to save, but I try anyways. This week, however, the rack was full and three additional carts had been added to the space. All were overflowing with moldy, wilting primroses that had been overwatered by the recent rain. Debra, the garden department lady, noticed me looking at them and encouraged me to take some home. “They just need some love,” she said. “You ju ..read more

on the sunday after you leave your religion there will be guilt and grief. you’ll wake up early and go to your closet to pick out your church clothes. then you’ll remember that you don’t do that anymore. you might stand there for a while–thinking, weeping. you might fumble around searching for something to fill the time. you’ll play the church service through in your mind. but then you’ll notice that the sun is shining. it’s a beautiful day. you can go for a walk or grocery shop or garden or sleep in or do nothing. and you’ll see it’s okay. sundays are just another day ..read more

As a young Christian, I was taught to guard my heart, study apologetics, put on the full armor of God, and be on defense at all times against the attacks of the Devil. I often heard the warning: “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary, the Devil, prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:8. One of the best ways to avoid being devoured, I was told, was to attend church regularly. After all, if you stay with the flock, there is safety. When I first started questioning my belief system, I found that I needed space to think through my questions and my values ..read more