Perfectionism and Procrastination are each formidable foes by themselves.  But when teamed-up, together they can inflict even greater damage to our performance and emotions. This post will identify some of the cognitive causes of these self-defeating behaviors and suggest some REBT thinking strategies to take down this tag team. Perfect is the enemy of good This aphorism, attributed to Voltaire, can be hard to swallow for die-hard perfectionists.  What is wrong with 100% perfect? If the choice is between 95% and 100% good results, why not choose 100% perfect? Well, what if the 100% p ..read more

This post is a work in progress like many topics and themes I tackle using my evolving application of REBT and Stoic thought to life questions and quandaries. Where our heart is set Disappointment isn’t a clinical entity so it doesn’t enjoy diagnostic status in the DSM-5 manual of psychiatric disorders.  But it remains a common and disturbing enough dysphoric experience to have been addressed two thousand years ago by the Stoic philosopher Epictetus who said: “where our heart is set, there our impediment lies.” The glass is already broken There is a story of a Thai meditation master, Acha ..read more

“You always hurt the one you love, the one you should not hurt at all; You always take the sweetest rose, and crush it till the petals fall; You always break the kindest heart, with a hasty word you can’t recall; So if I broke your heart last night, it’s because I love you most of all.” ~ The Mills Brothers, 1944 Recently, the first line of the above lyric was quoted by a client once again, as it has been many times over the last 47 years of clinical practice. It is usually raised in the question: “Why do I say these hurtful things to…” or “I don’t get this angry with anybody else.” Let’s dig ..read more

Reflections When I ponder my nearly half century of clinical behavioral health practice and observation of the human condition, I am especially amused by occurrences of the absurd, the ironic, and the counter-intuitive. Included in this panoply of people-watching is the belief held by some couples that their incredible sympatico, infused with loving feeling, is cosmic confirmation that they should be together in life. Other couples not experiencing such an intense meld might be envious, wondering if they are with the right person or if their real soul mate is still somewhere out there. Love is ..read more

Dr. Madden, I thought I’d write you a letter since maybe you were wondering how I turned out! Well, a lot has happened over the last few years. First of all, you know that my Dad killed himself because he thought he would have to appear in court and admit that he molested me as a child. It’s a long story but the night before he died, I confronted my Dad (with my sister holding my hand). My Dad said he was sorry but not in a nice way. I told him I had been waiting 43 years for the apology, but that he still didn’t realize how much he f***ed up my life. He got angry, but you know what? I was soo ..read more

Rescue Love Couple Therapy When I work with couples who are at the end of their relationship rope, which I describe as 11th-hour-and-59th-minute marital intervention, there usually has been a recent precipitating event—the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. Since my couple therapy is limited to issues of marital infidelity, this recent event may have been the discovery or admission of an emotional and/or sexual affair or other betrayal of trust, such as financial deception. Disaffection history Early in therapy, however, it often becomes clear to me that the loss of loving feelings ..read more

Quite a few women who consult me for Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) are already uncomfortably aware, or become aware, of just how oppressed and repressed they are and have been. It may not be a pleasant insight, but it is an important and empowering first step toward emotional freedom and well-being. Such an insight could be reacted to with anger and blame toward others; but for many women it triggers self-blame, guilt, and depression since they often feel responsible and blame themselves for nearly everything—including their own unhappiness! Tolerating the dysfunctional Many of thes ..read more

Do you suffer from road rage? How about life rage? Well, this post will apply REBT to managing both. Even though “rage” may not be the level of upset you experience, these tools work for all perturbance. Let’s start by defining our terms. ANGER VS. FRUSTRATION Anger and frustration are similar but we usually experience anger in relation to others, whereas frustration is the feeling we experience when our path to a goal is blocked (the car won’t start), or we don’t get what we want (yesterday’s gas price), or do get what we don’t want (a flat tire). Anger is the feeling we experience in reactio ..read more

Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) enjoys personifying clusters of self-defeating thoughts, like our “discomfort dodger” and “comfort junkie,” in order to quickly remind ourselves that our momentary upset and/or self-defeating behavior is coming from the irrational self-talk that has just been activated. In this post I will expose some comfort junkie thinking and the emotional/behavioral damage it does; damage that not only impairs self-mastery (self-discipline and self-control), but which often negatively alters the course of one’s life and career choices. High Discomfort Tolerance (HDT ..read more

This post title comes from a chapter title by the same name in Karen Horney’s 1950 classic work, Neurosis and Human Growth: The Struggle Toward Self-Realization. Karen Horney, MD, was one of the most influential psychoanalysts and feminists of the last century. My mentor, Albert Ellis, PhD, received training from her institute and further developed her concept of “the tyranny of the should” into the cornerstone of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), which he originated in 1955. This post aims to show that “the tyranny of the should” is one of the most important concepts in all of mental ..read more