I recently visited an old tobacco shop I used to frequent, Just to discover it had recently been converted into a thrift store. Clothes, but no cigar. — Went to my Premature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting last night. Turns out it's tonight. — A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”. ’About 32,’ is the reply.’ ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily. A li ..read more

The Post Office announced a new first class stamp commemorating prostitution. It only costs 65 cents, or 2 dollars if you want to lick it ..read more

A husband asks her wife, "If I die, will you marry another man?" A husband asks her wife, "If I die, will you get another marriage?" The wife answered, "No, of course not! I'm going to go live with my sister. What about you, are you getting another marriage when I'm gone? " He replied, "No, same with you. I'm going to go live with your sister.” — A couple has been married for 50 years and are celebrating their anniversary. The wife asks what the husband wants for their anniversary and he replies, "I would like you to perform oral sex on me. In the 50 years we have married NEVER have you O ..read more

What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon ? A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes. — As he is bound in the middle of the camp, the chief comes up to him and says "in this land, we grant prisoners of war three days before they are executed. Each day, the prisoner can make one request and we will decide if we honor the request or not. What is your first request?" The cowboy thinks for a minute and asks to speak to his horse. The chief grants his request the cowboy whispers something into his horse's ear. The horse gallops off and returns a couple hours later wit ..read more

Why was Han Solo upset when he got inside Princess Leia? It was Luke warm. — After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, the goalkeeper invited the two of us for a party. It was the father, the son, and the goalie host ..read more

"It's a boy!",he shouted, with tears rolling down his face. "It's a boy.............I don't believe it !” It was at that point the American vowed to never again visit Thailand. — The prostitute put on her clothes and said, “It was a business doing pleasure with you.” — A man goes to a proctologist for his bi-annual prostate exam. After the procedure the doctor tells the man his prostate indeed felt enlarged. “Wait a minute, doc! I’ve been doing everything right lately!”, the man protests. “I eat healthy, I exercise— I want a second opinion!” So the doctor bends him over again and uses a ..read more

When short story writer O. Henry lay dying in a hospital, The people gathered around his bed didn't know if he was asleep or dead. Someone said, "Feel his feet. No one ever died with warm feet." O. Henry opened his eyes and said, "Joan of Arc did." Then closed his eyes and died that moment. — Voltaire: The French philosopher Voltaire was known for his criticism of religion. When a priest visited him on his deathbed and urged him to renounce Satan, Voltaire supposedly replied, "Now, now, my dear man, this is no time for making enemies.” — Oscar Wilde’s last words were: Either this wallp ..read more

If OJ's casket doesn't fit.....you must lengthen it a bit. -- I once invited OJ for Thanksgiving. He was so good at carving white meat ..read more

Why didn't Jesus play hockey? Because soccer is more popular in Mexico. — Why is there popcorn but no mom corn? Maizesogyny. — I suggested to my wife to start selling her breast milk online. She could make money left and right! — The Pope is on an airplane doing a crossword puzzle. He asks his assistant what is a four letter word meaning woman that ends unt. His assistant replies that would be aunt your holiness. The Pope asks if he has an eraser ..read more

What do you get when you cross a gun with a vagina ? A revulva. — A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed. His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking a cow. As soon as the bucket was full the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left foot to a pole. I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right foot to a pole too. As soon as I finished milking the cow again he knocked down the bucket with his tail and I took ..read more