When children say or do things we don’t like, often we're compelled to correct it.  Although it feels natural to address misbehaviour, always jumping to correction and consequences can lead a child to expect the same when they’re on the receiving end of it. If we want to lessen their dependency on us and empower our kids to stand up for themselves, we can model what it looks like. We’re talking about times when your child calls you a name, snatches something or is physically rough with you. These are opportunities to show them (and their siblings) a mature response that keeps things on go ..read more

Do you feel like no matter what you say to acknowledge your child’s feelings, it doesn’t help? You say sympathetically, "You're feeling angry right now" or “You wish you could watch another episode” and instead of calming down, they scream, cry harder, lash out or run away.  When all the positive parenting guidance is telling you to name feelings and hold space, it can be confusing when it backfires. Many parents lose motivation to offer empathy when it’s repeatedly rejected. My clients say they assume it’s not suitable for their child or they must be doing it wrong. One mother came to co ..read more

When our kids are upset, it's natural to want to stop the outburst as quickly as possible. When we're triggered, it's natural to react angrily without thinking. We're built to handle stressful situations quickly. But negative emotions aren't meant to be threatening in themselves. Our ancestors knew very well what emotions are there for: To express our underlying state (laughter, tears), communicate with caregivers (smiles, crying) and provide us with the information we need to act in self-protection (fear, anger). When we try to push feelings away we're losing out on really valuable informatio ..read more

Now we’re all back socialising, our kids have the chance to really show us up don’t they? ;-) If yours is struggling with sharing and manners at the moment... well these would be normal even without a year of lockdown. Socialisation is a huge, HUGE concern for parents. We've forever been tasked with teaching our kids how to behave around other people and understand the consequences of their actions. This pressure is coming in earlier and earlier as part of the perfectionism that goes along with modern day parenting. It’s not uncommon for Mums and Dads to take toys from their 7-month-old’s hand ..read more

Hands up if you've made an effort with a special dessert, planned a day trip or put time aside for some proper play time, only to be hit with 'Why can’t I have MORE?You never give me enough! We never get to do this!' It's enough to spark a reaction. Lectures and telling off are typical responses to this kind of complaining, and they come from a place of anger and fear. Which is understandable because it feels like your parenting's being judged and your efforts are going unappreciated. There's also the worry you're bringing up a spoiled child who'll never appreciate the good things in life. May ..read more

"She won't let me leave the room before she's asleep." "I had to carry him the whole time." "He hates holding my hand to cross the road." Whenever I hear myself or a client using phrases like this, I pause. They're clues as to who's holding the power in these situations. (Power can be a tricky word for some so I prefer to call it responsibility or authority). As parents, it's our job to share responsibility with our kids in appropriate ways so they can grow their independence. But boundaries are where things can get tricky. We might want to set a boundary but feel held hostage by our child's r ..read more

Parents often tell me in our first conversation that they’ve been following conscious parenting accounts for some time. There are some brilliant resources out there - you’ll find a handy list here - and as a parent myself I’ve gained so much from that daily drip feed of positive parenting.  What often brings people to coaching is feeling unable to apply everything they read. Maybe something works for a day or two but then old patterns take over again.  I’m not here to bash parenting accounts (including my own!), but to help us recognise when we might need other kinds of support as we ..read more

Scanning the environment. Calculating risk. Assessing needs. Making quick decisions. Sounds like a military operation? It's actually not far from what high energy/anxious parents experience a lot of the time. Staying alert helps us manage safety, moods and timings. Some of us are obsessed with staying in control, getting through the day in as few pieces as possible The upshot of that is the hit on the adrenal glands of keeping our wits about us 24/7. That drip-drip of cortisol is also one of the reasons we find it so hard to switch into a relaxed, playful state. The key is recognising our diff ..read more

Here are some of our most commonly overheard phrases at home. Yes they get forgotten for days at a time but the more I practise the more second nature they become: “We were really busy getting ready to leave just now! Let’s regulate together.” “YES you can have that as soon as it’s snack time/bedtime/screentime. Let me write that down to make sure it happens.” “If it’s too difficult to turn it off later, I’ll help you. We can think of ideas to make it easier next time.” “I’m saying no because helping you eat the right amount of sugar is my job. There’ll be plenty more of this availab ..read more

Can you remember a teacher in your life who you absolutely adored? One you wanted to work hard for, and who supported you through good times and bad? For those of us lucky enough to have experienced this in childhood, it perfectly illustrates a core principle of what I call relational parenting: A secure attachment to a caregiver fosters good behaviour. In other words, we want to cooperate with people we have a great relationship with. Now I’m nowhere near the first person to make this link. But the mainstream parenting dialogue is still very much focused on the behaviour end of the spectrum ..read more