As the air becomes crisp and trees begin to blush for Autumn, I’m reminiscing on this past summer and it’s lessons. Hard lessons. Necessary lessons. The kind of lessons you spend an obscene amount of time and energy avoiding like the plague because you’re unsure if the weight of your emotions would crush you indefinitely. My sister and I honored my father’s passing on what probably was the most humid day in July for the town of Laguna Beach. With necklaces in his handwriting and tshirts with his likeness in full “rock band” type homage, we shared tears for the loss of our first love. The first ..read more

I’ve allowed so much to come between us over the years. You are my truth. The core of who I am. My highest self. But what have I done? I’ve betrayed you, one year after the next. When you’re programmed to ignore that little voice inside, you let the whisper become a shout. The more time I spent alone the more clear my head became and I found it. The virus that was downloaded in me from a very young age Causing crashes and glitches Blue screens and pop-ups. It will take more than my skill to remove all I’ve let in. I was just trying to stay safe but look at the mess I’ve made I’ve lost my ident ..read more

Thanksgiving 2018 with my turkey boy January is most often the beginning – of resolutions, changes, new lifestyles. The crazy thing is I find myself wanting the reach the same goals year after year and I’m pretty sure for me that’s not a good thing. You can only sit on a passion, a dream, a vision for so long before it eats you while you wait. I’ve been wanting to create a vision board for sometime. I’m a very visual person, but I know many things and events that were meant for that board have already come to pass. I find it amazing that I come into 2019 as a very different version of myself ..read more

So I’ve written and rewritten this blog what feels like a bajillion times. What do I need to talk about? As much as I want to muse about motherhood with two boys, my heart keeps circling another topic like a vulture: Grief. I have to preface this with saying that my boys are the joy of my life, and despite parenthood having it’s way of humbling you to the core, their smiles make my long journey worth it. Unfortunately, I keep finding myself in situations where I let something devastating just seep down inside never to be seen or heard from again. The labor & delivery of my second son was m ..read more

Oh Dear Son, I Want You To Know, I have been waiting all my life to meet you. I’ve had dreams of what you’d look like or what it would feel like to hold you.  You’ve been a seed planted in my heart for so long and I wasn’t sure if that seed would ever grow. I waited my whole life to meet someone like your father, and when that moment came, I was amazed that two people could find each other at the right time in their lives.  Timing is really everything.  It’s magical that two hearts could create someone as remarkable as you. Motherhood hit me like a ton of bricks.   Th ..read more

This is one of those introverted nights. The kind where intuitive minds involuntarily sift through years of struggle, heartache, and that one embarrassing conversation nine years ago just to try and understand oneself. All the moments I would love to just do over. All the times I would have loved to just be invisible. I do not pride myself on it, but I have become a master at being invisible. My needs, wants, and desires were not given much importance; they were always too heavy, or so I was made to feel. No matter if it was purposeful or not, I have acclimated to the fact that introverts do n ..read more

You cemented my fate, little Gray, as a tried and true boy mom. The heavy weight of fertility struggles became lighter even still, and I was lucky beyond words to be a mother of two children, but two boys? It was destiny. I never did get to discover the gender of the two babies I lost years ago, but I was deeply satisfied to have the opportunity to name you and your brother after my dad. He was my hero, the love of my life. In this, I could memorialize him as I had dreamed. It was on the heels of many exciting new changes that I discovered you’d be coming into my world. Blessed, and grateful ..read more

This new year began with a panic attack, a trip to the ER, and a funeral. Needless to say I was good and ready for years’ end the first week of January. The panic attack was actually a long time in the making. A few years or so of falling back into the old, familiar habits of people-pleasing, self-medicating, and pushing self-care to the very bottom of my to-do list. Throw in the usual Holiday anxiety, and that is a sure fire way to break me. The whole experience was so frightening; I don’t ever want to push my limits like that again. The thought of not being here for my son briefly crossed my ..read more