Night Sky with Moonlight by Teresa TL Bruce What do you say to someone who’s mourning a loved one before they die? What do you say to a loved one who’s dying? Although I’ve walked similar paths of anticipatory grief, each time feels like starting over because it is starting over. Each loss we mourn is unique to the relationship we have with the one who’s dying. Should you wish someone with a terminal illness a cheerful “Happy New Year”? Maybe. Maybe not. Will your loved one likely live to see the new year come around? Will they see it but suffer further as it progresses? Perhaps a better greet ..read more

What do you say on Mother’s Day when you know someone is grieving? I’d love to tell you — but I can’t, not exactly, because it’s complicated. There’s no one-size-fits-all way to show you are aware of another’s fragile grief. What matters is that you reach out in some way, even if it’s awkward or clunky or feels uncomfortable to you. Let the person know you care by showing you’re aware that this greeting-card holiday can hurt. Here are some suggestions. (A few might seem clearer after you read the “reasons” part that follows; others can be adapted to use whenever you wish to support a bereaved ..read more

The first Thanksgiving after someone dies (and the second and the third and the next and the next …) is harder than you can imagine if you haven’t yet lost a loved one. Like so much of living with loss, the absence throbs. Traditions might serve as lifelines to keep mourners steady — but they might also serve as tripwires to send bereaved survivors sprawling. Here are three ways to support your grieving friends. “Autumn Leaves Fell Before the Fence” by Teresa TL Bruce for TealAshes.comAcknowledge Acknowledge to your friends that you’re aware of their person’s (or perhaps their pet’s) absence d ..read more

Against medical advice, I attended my friend’s memorial service. Most of it. I left the sanctuary during every hymn — had to — and watched the video tribute through the window. My concussion-injured head (a long, unrelated story) can’t yet tolerate many sounds, including, apparently, music. Even though my doctor ordered me to “strictly limit all social interaction” while recovering, I needed to attend. It felt important to show up in support of my friend’s family. Despite my concussion, I also wanted to gather with others who’ll miss my friend, but my desire was secondary to offering his widow ..read more

How can you help and support 9/11 survivors 20 years after the 2001 terrorist attack? If you know people whose lives changed forever that day — people who lost friends and loved ones and health — let them know you’re aware of their private grief as the world commemorates their public loss 20 years later. If you think 20 years later might be too late to say or do something, think again. Remember how travel changed after 9/11? Public outcry, grief, and reactions rose all over the world. Policies and practices shifted post-9/11, causing radical changes that still seem inconvenient. That’s ju ..read more

  When the glass cutting board hit the tile floor, shards went everywhere — much like life shatters under the impact of grief. (Photo by Teresa TL Bruce, TealAshes.com) When my glass cutting board hit the floor, it shattered against the tile. Tiny, sharp cubes spread near — piled around my feet — and flew far — some 12 feet away. (Thank goodness for tempered glass, or I’d have been sweeping up even more shards.) Portions clumped together, resembling a crackled fraction of the item that once protected surfaces and survived countless kitchen close calls over the last two decades. Not one ..read more

Hello, again. You might have noticed the July to April gap in new posts on What to Say When Someone Dies. Years ago, I first started writing content for this grief support website within three days of my husband’s unexpected death, although I didn’t know at the time that’s what I was doing. Even surrounded by the thick, heavy fog of shock, I recognized that some folks’ well-intended words landed like a blow to the gut or slapped me in the face. On the other hand, a few — sadly, too few — friends’ and even strangers’ words and gestures gently reached my hurting heart through comforting compass ..read more

No matter your religious beliefs or cultural point of view, I’ve always wanted this website to offer you ways to support your grieving friends. Some posts speak to specific topics of what to say (or not to say) when someone you know has suffered a loss. Others offer general insight into what is normal for one who is grieving. This one reaches into each of those areas. First, I’d like to share this Easter- and grief-related post, Easter Admission: Gratitude, Grief, and Ambivalence, which I wrote for the Segullah literary blog. For those not of my faith, please understand I’m not trying to ..read more