I apparently can't get better on my own and I'm too sick for one PHP/resi (which my insurance doesn't cover anyways) and apparently not sick enough for IP. So should I make myself sicker so I can get better? Idk what else to do here. Will discuss with case manager next week. Possible trigger: Purging a shyt ton of blood & coffee grinds all the time, but not sick enough for IP. wtf? Was told by IEA people I needed IP but I "don't meet criteria. wtf? Almost fking died from electrolyte imbalances, but not sick enough for IP ..read more

Title basically I know this is all eating disorder stuff. I get hungry and think "I don't want to eat that." "I can't eat that" "That's disgusting" "I'm not good e nough for that." etc Then I eat and think "I'm disgusting" "my insides are gross now" "I need to get this out ASAP." and this is all ****ing day all day long there is literally no other thoguhts sorry for the typos Im shaking like a motherright now ..read more

They want me to do PHP (maybe IP resi or IOP, but probably PHP) But there is just tooo much shyt going on. I'm getting my blood checked soon to see where my Hep C levels are at, my roommate and I are fighting daily but I have no place else to go, my pdoc keeps digging and DIGGING into trauma I just want to lock in a heavy box and throw off the Niagara Falls, this is my first holiday season without any family and I'm not even supposed to say "hi" to anybody, I'm dealing with PAWS. I've gotten like 13 hours of sleep over the past 7 days, 3 of those being all-nighters (there was a 30 minute nap d ..read more

I can't stand it I can't stand it I can't stand it. No puedo comer. Thanksgiving. ****. S wants me to partake. I already had some yogurt at 2am so I don't want to eat anymore today. This is so ****ing frustrating. WHY CAN'T THEY JUST LEAVE ME ALONE ..read more

Little dark comedy that helped me out when I was struggling, their channel is full of support videos for eating disorders too. (potential TW) Binge - Pilot - YouTube there are other episodes too I can link if anyone's interested and can't find them on their own ..read more

I’ve thought about it, and I have come to the conclusion that deep down, I don’t think I want to lose weight. Why? I’m expected to want to lose weight because I’m a fat person. I probably should because I’m prediabetic. But for some reason, my heart’s not in it. Why? I feel like this makes me a substandard person in some way, and then I feel angry because it shouldn’t. It’s not for lack of trying… I have tried every diet out there. I’ve starved myself. I’ve used substances. I’ve exercised with sprained ankles. I did personal training and gained weight instead of lost it, which was very discour ..read more

Why shouldn't I kill myself? I'll never get better. Even if I do stop binging and purging (which at this point seems impossible since I get to three days and I can't stand the physical symptoms) I'm always going to look in the mirror or step on the scale and feel disgusted with myself. I'm always going to eat and feel like that food doesn't belong there. I don't feel like I'll ever gain enough control to stop eating when I've had enough. I don't think I'll ever stop throwing up after eating too much too fast. I don't think I'll ever stop feeling like sh-it. Even if I recover from bulimia, th ..read more

I feel like Ana or ED is the only thing im hanging onto right now. its like its either this or Possible trigger: sui . everything is meaningless everything (docs, Ts, meds, SH, etc.) is useless everything is not even real i either get to my UGW or i Possible trigger: kill myself and i cant wait to get there ..read more

How do you tell if you're really not hungry or just have successfully convinced yourself you're not hungry to keep the calories down ..read more

I've been binging/purging on and off for the past ten years. Now there's blood in my vomit. I'm at a healthy weight but at one point when I wasn't doing it I was obese (and I lost a lot of weight through the b/p and felt great about it). I'm terrified if I stop I'll go back to being obese (which was caused by antipsychotics in the first place). I'd rather have a healthy BMI but vomiting blood than being current weight+more pounds. I have a goal weight and my pdoc said it was underweight and not feasible. I was there this time last year doing what I'm doing now (just with more restricting) so ..read more