Despite our best efforts, we all struggle to problem solve and empathize when we are becoming emotionally triggered and leaving our window of tolerance (WOT; see previous post for more on this). Attempting to resolve an issue when we have stepped out of our WOT leaves us at best frustrated, and at worst with real harm to our important relationships and those we love. To address this common dilemma, there is a strategy that we often recommend to couples and families called the “20 minute/24 hour rule”. It is a simple way to respectfully pause a conflict that's escalating without anyone feeling ..read more

It is normal during an argument or difficult conversation, in "the heat of the moment", for our bodies to go into a heightened state of arousal - it is the same physiological response, our survival mechanism, that is triggered to protect us when we see a bear as when we feel the threat (either real or perceived) of our partner leaving us, being disappointed in us, or not respecting us. The particular things that are said or done that send us into this state, and the ways we react when in survival mode, are different for everybody depending on our life experiences. These differences include fa ..read more

Despite our best efforts, we all struggle to problem solve and empathize when we are becoming emotionally triggered and leaving our window of tolerance (WOT; see previous post for more on this). Attempting to resolve an issue when we have stepped out of our WOT leaves us at best frustrated, and at worst with real harm to our important relationships and those we love. To address this common dilemma, there is a strategy that we often recommend to couples and families called the “20 minute/24 hour rule”. It is a simple way to respectfully pause a conflict that's escalating without anyone feeling ..read more

It is normal during an argument or difficult conversation, in "the heat of the moment", for our bodies to go into a heightened state of arousal - it is the same physiological response, our survival mechanism, that is triggered to protect us when we see a bear as when we feel the threat (either real or perceived) of our partner leaving us, being disappointed in us, or not respecting us. The particular things that are said or done that send us into this state, and the ways we react when in survival mode, are different for everybody depending on our life experiences. These differences include fa ..read more

Social distancing and physical distancing are essential to stopping the spread of COVID-19, but could the same measures within your home lead to a healthier relationship? I remember a few years ago Chris Rock gave a lot marriage advice on his Netflix stand-up comedy special titled Tambourine. Comics have this unique way of presenting everyday observations in such a way that the discomfort of the truth behind their statements makes everyone laugh. In one particular joke, Rock said that he was married for 16 years, and his marriage of 16 was actually longer than his parents’ marriage of 40. W ..read more

As technology comes to play a more integral role in our day-to-day lives, the services available to us have been adapted to fit the ways in which we use technology. You can now easily order food, find a ride, or purchase products with just a few clicks, so it may come as no surprise that mental health services can now be accessed online as well.  Online therapy is a broad term that encompasses all types of mental health services delivered through the internet. This can include online chats, text messaging, audio calls, and video calls. Therapy can take place in real time, such as in audi ..read more

We are surrounded by images of marriage that are based on fairy tales and fantasies – fantasies of permanence, security, living happily ever after. However, real marriages are anything but a fantasy. Reality has its way of making itself known, whether through disappointment, betrayal, conflict, illness, financial difficulties, or simply unexpected change. When our fantasies about what marriage is supposed to be are confronted by reality – we encounter a profound choice. A choice to fight and cling to our illusions - resenting anything or anyone that dares to interfere or to align ourselves wi ..read more

The complexity of parenting Parenting is tough. Every parent knows that there are a million opinions on how to do it better. Some of these opinions are helpful, many are not, and others are just opportunities to doubt yourself and feel inadequate.   Some of the more challenging issues for parents occur when there appears to be a conflict between a child's need to learn, grow, and experiment and a parent's responsibility to keep their kid safe. Since fear is such a powerful motivator, when these tricky issues arise parents may err on the side of being overprotective and authoritarian - sa ..read more

We can't see what we can't see Despite all the self-help marketing encouraging us to "think positive," the truth is that we have an innate tendency to ignore neutral or positive information in our environment in favour of information that may be scary or threatening. This bias toward the negative allows us to more quickly detect threats to our survival and respond in a timely manner. You can imagine why it might be more helpful for our survival to pay more attention to the tiger in the bushes than the beautiful sunset. Not just are we more aware of threatening circumstances but we react m ..read more

Six keys to strong loving relationships When the bubble bursts Anyone who has had any long-term romantic relationship can attest to the many challenges that accompany all the beauty and joy. Why is it so hard to hold on to the good stuff without slipping into squabbles, bickering, and frustration?  Even the happiest couples have disagreements and get on each other’s nerves, however, there are some important differences between the couples that occasionally get frustrated with one another and the couples who experience frustration and squabbling as a regular part of their relationship. It ..read more