In the aftermath of a disagreement with a spouse or partner, the silence can be deafening. The time spent waiting for the other person to break the ice with an apology often feels interminable, fraught with a mix of hurt feelings, stubborn pride, and a daunting emotional standoff. However, persistently waiting for your partner to apologize first may not just prolong the conflict—it could actually undermine the very foundation of your relationship. Here’s why adopting this stance might be a losing strategy, and what you can do instead to foster a healthier, more resilient partnership. 1. Missi ..read more

In the close-knit journey of marriage, complaints can either help us grow closer or push us apart. When one partner complains about something, it’s super common to want to hit back with a complaint of your own. However, this kind of reaction can really mess with the health of your relationship. Let’s dive into why firing back with your own complaints when your spouse raises an issue can hurt your bond, come off as defensive, make the conversation way more complicated, and often leave the original problem hanging. Getting Defensive Picture this: your partner calls you out for being too wrapped ..read more

American Culture is rife with “grin and bear it” missives. People see it as a point of pride to ignore pain (especially emotional pain) and “push through.” But how you handle this emotional discomfort can profoundly impact the intimacy and durability of your bonds. Often, out of fear, embarrassment, or a sense of protection, you might choose to disown your pain. You silence your hurt, thinking that by doing so, you're avoiding conflict and preserving peace. However, this is a misconception. Owning your pain is not just significant; it's essential for the health and authenticity of your relati ..read more

I tell my clients all the time that there is no unconditional love in adult relationships. “What'? Mike, I thought you really want people to feel loved in their relationships? I thought you really want people to be vulnerable? I thought you really want couples to be happy?” All of that is true. But having no conditions takes away the value that you bring to relationships through your loving kindness, effort, and vulnerability. This also opens you up for abuse. Let me explain. Relationships, especially long-term intimate relationships like marriage, are a “built thing.” Anyone who has been in ..read more

A zero-sum game is when one person's win is exactly the same as another person's loss. In simpler terms, it's like thinking that for you to get something good, someone else has to give something up. When you look at relationships this way, it can cause some pretty big problems: Turning into rivals instead of teammates: Imagine seeing your partner as someone you have to beat instead of someone you're teaming up with. This could mean arguing over who spends what money or who does more chores, making everything a competition. Forgetting to be there for each other: Relationships should be ab ..read more

Raising kids is like being on a rollercoaster that doesn't have a pause button. It's thrilling, scary, and a bit chaotic all at once. And just like any wild ride, it's way better when you have someone by your side, especially when that someone is your co-parent. Getting on the same page about how to handle the ups, downs, and loop-de-loops of parenting is pretty much the secret sauce to cutting down on family drama. Here’s why teaming up is your best move to keep peace at home and make sure everyone’s on track for a smooth ride. How Being a United Front Helps Keep the Peace Kids Know What’s ..read more

When we speak of being "triggered," we're referring to those moments when something in our present environment closely resembles an aspect of our past that once led us into a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response. These triggers can be anything from a tone of voice, a particular phrase, a sound, or even a smell that catapults us back to a moment of intense emotional response. Recognizing these triggers and learning how to self-calm is essential, not just for our emotional well-being, but also to ensure that we can engage in productive conversations that address our hurts or fears without in ..read more

Everyone has a “go-to” behavior in their part of the relationship dance. Sometimes people are “withdrawers” that recoil from difficult emotional conversations. Sometimes people are “pursuers” who seek the resolutions of these difficult emotional conversations. We’re going to delve into the experience of someone who typically assumes the role of a pursuer in relationships, exploring their attachment style and what Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) reveals about them. A word of warning, this is written from the perspective of an EFT trained therapist. The Pursuer in Relationships: A Closer Look ..read more

In the intricate dance of relationships, different individuals bring their unique rhythms and steps. As a couples therapist trained in EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy), I often talk to clients about Pursuers and Withdrawers (sometimes called distancers). Withdrawers in relationships exhibit a specific attachment style and face unique challenges and experiences. Today we’re going to look at some of the challenges and experiences unique to withdrawers in relationship. What is a Withdrawer in Relationships? The concept of a withdrawer in relationships stems from attachment theory, which categor ..read more

A significant concept that often surfaces in therapy is the idea of "triggers" in relationships. These triggers, which evoke reactions such as fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, are deeply rooted in our evolutionary past. They were essential for our ancestors' survival but can be detrimental in modern romantic relationships. I’m going to be examining these triggers, drawing insights from Relational Life Therapy by Terrence Real and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) by Susan Johnson. The Evolutionary Roots of Triggers The four primary triggers - fight, flight, freeze, and fawn - were critical sur ..read more