I frequently discuss the way that different comparison groups can change how you view yourself and your circumstances. One major way that people sabotage their happiness within intimate relationships is by comparing themselves to couples at different ages and stages. In this post, I hope to help level-set expectations for what a happy and healthy relationship looks like in your 40’s and 50’s, as opposed to your 20’s and 30’s. Obviously, as I discuss all the time, marriage changes after the hormonally-driven 1.5-3 year honeymoon stage. (Listen to this and this for more.) But, as people used to ..read more

Listen to a podcast about this here! Many people struggle with retroactive jealousy, which is when you are jealous of a partner’s past romantic or sexual partners. Some of the most common manifestations of this including looking your partner’s ex-partners up on social media, comparing yourself or internally “competing” constantly with an ex (even in this case to a dead partner), constantly asking your partner about their prior relationship and what was better/worse in that relationship versus yours, and even snooping through your partner’s emails/texts to find old correspondence with their ex ..read more

I have a great post on ten ways to make your Highly Sensitive wife want sex a lot more, so here is the emotional equivalent!  Many women I work with are highly sensitive, and I am myself. We are 20% of people but most people in therapy… and likely an even higher percentage of therapists! Read about Highly Sensitive People (HSP) here, here, and here. If your wife is an HSP, here are eight nonsexual ways to bond with her, so that she can be her best self with you! Read a book together. Reading is a quiet activity and can be done together in bed, especially when your wife is overstimulated ..read more

Every day in my office, I hear partners make the excuse that they cannot take the initiative in whatever way would be most meaningful to their partner because their partner “beats them to it.” Here are some examples: “I can’t plan a date like she wants me to because she packs our calendar weeks in advance.” “I can’t initiate sex because not a day goes by that he isn’t all over me and initiating constantly.” “I can’t propose because every day she brings up how angry she is that we aren’t married.” “I can’t ask her anything about her day because she starts downloading as soon as she sees me.” “I ..read more

So many men struggle with how to engage with their wife’s emotions. Often, they fail to empathize because they were not taught how in their family growing up. If you are someone who has deeply struggled with what to say to repair after fights, or with empathizing with your wife (or with everyone), this post is for you. Here is a list of five things you can say to your wife to defuse and deescalate conflict, as well as to show her that you love her. If these feel foreign to you, that isn’t because they are “fake,” but because you are learning a new skill, and every new skill feels unnatural at ..read more

Many couples struggle with wanting different numbers of children, like this post. Generally, from what I have seen, women in particular may agree to have fewer kids, but this may be seen as a source of massive regret and an empathic rupture years later. If you are a husband who is pushing to have fewer children, here’s why and what to watch out for! my kids in 2013 First, many men want fewer children because they are the preoccupied attachment partner and feel that they will be able to get more of their wife’s love and attention if there are fewer kids. They usually don’t say this outright ..read more

There is an idea that everything is subjective, and while that may be true in some areas, sex isn’t really one of them. With rare exception, there are some things that are generally considered to be unappealing and unattractive in bed. Read this post to make sure that you’re not doing any of these things! Just laying there.  When women just lay there silently without moving while intercourse happens, this can be called acting like a “starfish.”  (Picture a starfish for why.) Nobody likes to be partnered with someone who doesn’t engage or give/receive feedback. This can make a man f ..read more

There are many reasons that women are uncomfortable with emotional closeness that have to do with their own background and family history, and many reasons for low sex drive that have nothing to do with who a woman is married to at all, as discussed here. However, there are also many things that husbands are doing that make their wives less likely to feel close to them. This is the purely emotional equivalent of this post about fixable reasons your wife won’t have sex with you!  This post is particularly applicable for men who can be classified as avoidant attachment, and you can listen t ..read more

Many parents, especially moms, struggle deeply with parenting teenagers, as discussed here. This stress is compounded if you, the mom, had a poor relationship with your own mom or dad, because you have always felt desperate to have a different, better relationship with your own child than the disappointing one that you experienced. When your teenager pushes your buttons and tries to individuate from you, which is developmentally appropriate, it can be very triggering, especially if they push back in ways that remind you of your own parent (or your spouse, if that is a difficult relationship ..read more

Following from the prior post where I link to 10 posts that explain that I’m not anti-male, I now address the women on the internet who accuse me of being anti-female, most often because I say sex is important within marriage. Here are five posts and five podcast episodes, ranging back from 2014, to showcase that I, a woman, am not anti-woman, despite thinking that genders are different. And it can be a trip down memory lane for long-term followers! What Men Think About Sex Versus Reality. This is one of my earliest posts that goes through some of the myths men believe about sex, including ..read more