Who the FUCK am I?!?!? What the FUCK is the point of my life?!?!? I feel like I have been thrown into an existential crisis. Since losing the ability to walk, and the ability to do many of the things I enjoy due to Multiple Sclerosis, I often question who I am and what my purpose is in this life. Please don’t start feeling sorry for me – because that makes me feel even worse. I’m just ruminating, for lack of anything else to do. I honestly spend so much of my free time sitting and thinking about what I would be doing, if I could. Which is really unproductive and pretty maddening. I often think ..read more

That title refers to me – and I’m guessing it can refer to all of my readers, also. (Yep, I’m already judging you because that’s what I do!) If we’re all being completely honest here, VERY few people, if anyone in this world, lives judgment free. Some of us just become judgier than others – anyone else out there enjoy a healthy dose of “people watching”? I used to have an idea for a book where I would create stories about people based on what I observed (because I was always doing that in my head anyway) and then interview the same people to find out their true stories to see how accurate my o ..read more

I started this blog 5 months ago when I was obviously having a VERY bad day. However, the scary thing is that this was not an isolated day. These thoughts that I’m posting occur more often than I care to admit. They are dark, they are scary, and to me they are very real. These are the demons I live with – my hell on Earth. When I originally wrote this blog, I thought that if I did end up killing myself, that someone would find it when searching through my things, and be able to understand a little better what drove me to that point. Then, I decided that when I stop having these thoughts, I wou ..read more

There are many things that happen in our daily existence that are outside of our control. These experiences usually elicit some type of emotion. Think about your day so far. Have there been experiences that have altered your mood – either positively or negatively without you consciously choosing that emotion? When someone cuts you off in traffic, do you automatically turn to anger? What if you knew they were in a hurry to get to the hospital to deliver a baby? When someone special sends you a nice note, does it make you feel all warm and fuzzy? If that same someone special had done something t ..read more

Someone contacted me recently, asking me to talk to a friend of theirs who is newly diagnosed with MS about the healing lifestyle I have embraced. I’ll be honest, I panicked at the thought because I wasn’t sure how to put into words the methods I am using/have tried. Pretty ironic considering I’ve spent the last 2 1/2 years writing about healing myself, right?!? This is definitely not a one size fits all, cure all. There has been a lot of trial and error and a “throw the kitchen sink at it and see what sticks” approach. Not in a willy-nilly sort of way, but I have learned to listen to my inner ..read more

According to Google, a journey is “the act of traveling from one place to another.” (This signifies that a journey has a destination and will eventually end.) When a journey is over, one normally returns to where they started. A lifestyle is defined as the way in which a person or group lives. When I first started this blog, I titled it “My Self- Healing Journey” because at the time, 2 1/2 years ago, I thought I would do some meditations, heal my MS and go about my life healed and happy; not really changing much in my everyday life other than adding moments of meditation. Boy, was I wrong!! An ..read more

Since my last post (3 months ago) I have been dealing with a lot of negative emotions. I don’t know if starting therapy in March unearthed some things I need to deal with, if these feelings and thoughts stem from my MS and its constant battle against my body or what spurred this episode. I have really been struggling to find joy in the every day things. Jeremy and I have both been at our wit’s end trying to navigate these stormy waters. The average person has over 6,000 thoughts a day. I would say 75% of my thoughts have been negative or focused on my health. Jeremy asked me to get in touch wi ..read more

PSA: If you are offended by foul language, you probably want to skip this post. I have always smiled – a lot. Sometimes I don’t even realize it and my face just naturally goes to that position. Some people suffer from RBF (Resting Bitch Face). I guess I was blessed with RNF (Resting Nice Face). Most of the time I am genuinely happy and my smile isn’t forced. However, there are other times when I am smiling despite being so sad, angry, disappointed, etc. Those times seem to be more common lately. It is so hard for me to not let what is happening to me physically effect what is going on emotiona ..read more

I have never given much thought to how I feel about asking for help, until recently. Probably because before the progression of my disease I rarely HAD to ask for help (Or more than likely I didn’t ask even when I probably should have). Now, it is an everyday, many times a day, occurrence. And even now, I only feel comfortable letting certain people help me with certain things. It’s not because I don’t trust people, I just hate to make myself vulnerable to just anyone (and I’m kind of a control freak). A good friend said to me once, “You hate asking for help, don’t you?” My response was, “I ha ..read more

On this Valentine’s Day, I feel it is important that I give love to myself. I have spent my life trying to be what I thought everyone else wanted me to be. I have tried to be a good daughter, a good friend, a good student, a good wife, a good mother, a good employee, and so on and so on. I didn’t take the time to think about who I really am without those titles. There have been many instances in my life where I hated who I was. I never felt good enough. I’m sure that there were times when other people made me feel that way, but for the most part, it was my inner dialogue that was very hateful ..read more