At our first session, when I ask “what would you like to accomplish in our therapy,” people will often mention their fantasies (too weird?), their desire (too low, too high), or their penis or vagina (which won’t do what they want when they want it). Very few people say “I want to feel less shame.” Of course not—they’re too ashamed. Sexual shame has many causes--and it's usually not an individual's fault. It takes many forms, which therapy can often reduce. The post Shame—A Bigger Problem Than Your Penis, Vagina, Fantasies, or Desire appeared first on Dr. Marty Klein ..read more

Dr. Debby Herbenick, one of the world’s most important sex educators and researchers, has a new book out, and it’s great. It’s called "Yes, Your Kid: What Parents Need to Know About Today’s Teens and Sex." Before you go away because you don’t have kids, or because your kids are too young or too old, read on. Because there’s stuff in this book that’s relevant to all of us. Especially the stuff about rough sex, which a huge number of young people are doing. The post “Yes, Your Kid”—and Maybe You? appeared first on Dr. Marty Klein ..read more

Every week, I counsel men and women heartbroken over infidelity. And every week, I try to prevent those people from making big mistakes. If it’s already too late, I help people deal with the consequences of their big mistakes. Frequently, nearly everyone in the Betrayed’s life is encouraging them to make big mistakes. That can even include their therapist. It most certainly includes the internet and social media. The post Cheated On? Here’s The WORST 5 Things You Can Do appeared first on Dr. Marty Klein ..read more

Many therapists think activism is part of therapy. Whether you agree with their politics or not, steer clear of therapists who see advancing social justice as part of their clinical role. How can you trust a therapist who isn’t neutral and objective? The post Do NOT Trust Activist Therapists! appeared first on Dr. Marty Klein ..read more

It’s Valentine’s Day, and so many people are thinking about sex. Most people won’t do it tonight (there’s no day of the year when “most people” have sex), but in case you do, here are some tips you probably won’t read elsewhere. In fact, they’ll contradict some of the most popular advice. BTW, no equipment or weight loss is needed for any of these. The post Valentine’s Day: Not-So-Crazy Ideas for Better Sex appeared first on Dr. Marty Klein ..read more

What kind of a woman would destroy a perfectly good marriage (and great sex life) because her husband looks at porn? There’s too, too many of them. One of those hubbies came to see me last week. OK, he lied about watching. Not cool to lie. But why would a grownup lie? The reason isn't that complicated—he... The post Porn Didn’t Destroy This Marriage—Her PornPhobia Could appeared first on Dr. Marty Klein ..read more

Totally by coincidence, two different guys called me for therapy this week with similar issues. One was regularly going to massage parlors for “happy endings,” and the other was paying young men he met on Grindr for quickies. They each thought their behavior was wrong, and both felt ashamed. The first guy, Pedro, wanted to stop. The second guy, Chang, didn’t really want to stop, but thought he “should.” Both guys are married. Both guys have high-paying, pressure-filled jobs. Both guys have trouble talking about sex. So they’ve each arranged to have sexual encounters without any talking. The po ..read more

2023 was a full year for Sexual Intelligence. My newsletter now goes to almost 8,000 people every month. That’s in addition to my Sexual Intelligence blog for Psychology Today, which gets 1,100 hits per DAY. This year I covered my usual topics: making sex more enjoyable; examining America's War on Sex; explaining & critiquing sex therapy and couples therapy; and sex in the news, including both dark and light-hearted... The post A look back at 2023 appeared first on Dr. Marty Klein ..read more

Deepak is a nice enough guy—mid-30s, Silicon Valley software engineer, married three years to Nikki, a researcher. They had both come here from India for graduate school, and stayed afterwards. He was referred to me by the Stanford Medical Center. One of my specialties is Deepak’s exact complaint: unreliable erections. After three sessions, however, I’m pretty sure he’ll be disappointed with the results of our work. That’s because we still disagree on what his problem actually is... The post When Sex Therapy Fails appeared first on Dr. Marty Klein ..read more

As a sex therapist, I hear a lot about how sex doesn’t work, how complicated it is, and how often it simply isn’t worth the trouble. Of course, I’m sympathetic. But my job is to notice exactly how people create the sex that frustrates them. It doesn’t take much: disliking your body; not trusting your partner; feeling guilty about what you want or don’t want; anxiety about, well, anything. Those are the issues I help individuals identify and resolve. After that, people often enjoy sex much more. Frequently, though, sexual difficulties are maintained by two partners together. The post How Men &a ..read more