By Sarah Parmet Renee Rapp is amazing.  The way the plane really takes off is due to pressure differences. EW NOT PHYSICS! That is the tiniest portion of butter chicken I’ve ever seen.   I shouldn’t be watching Bottoms with subtitles on.    Will the baby stop crying?? Why can’t I be like my best friend who has been asleep for the last four hours? I have to pee again? I’ve gone pee five times already, but she’s only gone twice. Does she even drink water?  Renee Rapp lives in LA just like me. I can hear the baby crying through my Airpods Max. I ..read more

By Amelia Ell Some say there are two sides to every coin. But that’s not true. One time I found one and I just kept turning it over and over and it still just had one side all the way round. Some say it is called a marble. But I call it a revolution. It proves that “some say” a lot of things and those things aren’t always true. But if there’s one thing you can count on, “some” know what they’re talking about when it comes to university and college dorms. I suppose it makes sense that I found another so-called marble today because everyone seems to be losing theirs over all this residence non ..read more

Ella Bilu Nowadays, it feels like if you are not on LinkedIn by your sophomore year of high school, you’re behind. How are you supposed to network with San Francisco start-up founders if you can’t be sending AI generated DMs?   LinkedIn is the pinnacle of social media. For one, you can post photos, reflect career updates, DM people you know and don’t know, and comment superficial phrases like “Congrats on the new job. Let’s get coffee some time,” despite having never met the person in real life. More so, no other social media platform will make you as insecure as LinkedIn. It is on ..read more

By Maddie Thompson Sul Sul, Sims players! Welcome to the latest gameplay update for The Sims 4. In this update, our underpaid game developers have added several new interactions, careers, and more to the game to make your gaming experience just that much more immersive. To those new to the game, I wish you the best of experiences! And to players that have over a hundred hours, I urge you to get a life. Enjoy the updates, or not, we still make money regardless. Players are no longer able to create Sims replicas of the people in their life they have vendettas against just to torture or ..read more

by Sahasra Nistala Instagram: Check out these BEAUTIES from la Boulangerie de Gentrification @bourgeouisbakery at the corner of 10th and 12th in Manhattan! Need some help burning off those donut carbs? Use the code #MarieAnnabeth4eva to get 10% off on Fitness Juice today! Facebook: The doorman just gave me a box of donuts today…so blessed. At least someone cares about me. Can someone tell me how to “tag” my kids? They moved out in ‘98 and I haven’t seen them since. Be well. TikTok: [In a robotic voiceover] Let's make gluten-free kale donuts together! [The video that proceeds is so sped ..read more

By Alyssa Huang She arrived in my hands, an ethereal gift Her sweet factory scent tickling my nares like blooming lilacs on a sunny spring day Soft, fluffy purple fleece on one side Silky and pink with a stitched butterfly design on the other Each thread offering comfort by the touch I named her Blankie My very first best friend My partner in crime We stuck together throughout day and night Throughout every meal and every venture Two peas in a pod Like Batman and Robin Until the fateful day When I was admitted into preschool, but Blankie was not Blankie kept strong She dabbed my face dry patte ..read more

By Annalise Whitmer You’ve been assigned the dreaded essay. Whether it’s themes from The Outsiders,  A Memoir by You, or your own guide, I know your suffering. The whole day is ruined anytime you work on the dreaded essay. Not to worry, I’m an expert at putting off even the simplest t-shirt order form. The trick is productive procrastination. With the right technique, by 9 o’clock, the kitchen baseboards will be white again, your grades will be better than ever, and you’ve finally had that rosemary bubble bath your for you page is saying is the most aesthetic way to relax. I begin my jour ..read more

By Cyrus Sarfaty I’m an American citizen by birth. And not only did my parents and grandparents live in the States for over a century, my hometown of Toronto is so assimilated to American culture that it’s essentially a 51st state. But somehow, every time I meet an American, within a few minutes it comes out that I’m from Toronto. The course of action is usually this, more or less: [Lights up on CYRUS and CLUELESS AMERICAN, chatting somewhere in America. They have just met.] CLUELESS AMERICAN Oh cool, where are you from? CYRUS (speaking with a local “dialect” to show CLUELESS AMERICAN I’m not ..read more

By Sarah Parmet  Rubber Bands “Double (B)andy”  Product description: These deadly elastics may be small, but they are quite the force to be reckoned with! Made of smooth elastic, these rubber specimens can rotate and fly through the air at speeds of up to 100 miles an hour.  Method of use: Slingshot — A long distance weapon that will catch the enemy by surprise! Make sure the band is secured tightly around your finger before aiming it at the desired target. Failing to do so will result in injury and possible death. Don’t want to get your hands dirty? Tongue activation works just ..read more

By Ben Fogler Recently, I took a trip to the post office with my mother. It was right after school on a Friday, and we had made a passport appointment, so I figured we wouldn’t be there for more than fifteen minutes. Much to my chagrin, it was almost an hour before we finally left that horrible place where dreams go to die. The United States Postal Service is one of the last vestiges of the old world. I suppose it was new and exciting in the time when people used messenger pigeons, but ever since the telegram, it seems that snail mail is on its way out. My trip to our local post office has onl ..read more