The colour scheme on your spreadsheet is actually important It's infuriating when a balance sheet doesn't balance They believe tax season only lasts a week No one wants to know when your cash flow shows no flow Everyone thinks you can help them pay less tax They only call when they want tax advice New versions of Excel are really exciting "Variance analysis" sounds like a psychological condition Everything in life can be reduced to debits and credits They think "fiscal year" is just a typo for "physical year" "Amortisation" sounds like a spell from Harry Potter They think "FIFO" and "LIFO" ar ..read more

Ahead of the 2024 General Election, The then Shadow Chancellor, Rachel Reeves met with the Head of HMRC, Jim Harra. "You will understand" said Rachel "that we are under pressure to simply our complex tax system. What can we do?’  "I can help you there" said Jim. "I recommend you legislate one simple new tax law". "It should make clear that from now on everyone, especially the bankers, accountants, lawyers and tax avoiders must stop focusing on the precise wording of tax laws".  "Instead  they should act in accordance with the Government's intentions when making those laws. N ..read more

Being a good accountant takes... .... 5% talent, 13% maths and 81% spotting what's been missed Being a good accountant takes....  ... 10% attitude and 90% knowing what's right and what's wrong  Being a good accountant takes.... ... 5% talent and 95% avoiding distractions on the internet ..read more

  "You make balancing my books look easier than balancing on a tightrope!" "You have the magic touch—turning tax forms into refunds!" "You're better than my favourite calculator!" "If accounting were an Olympic sport, you'd be a gold medalist!" "You're the maestro of money management!" "You turn my financial fears into fiscal fortunes!" "If my finances were a jigsaw puzzle, you'd be the one to put all the pieces together!" "You're the GPS guiding me through the jungle of taxes!" "You make my balance sheet a thing of beauty!" "You transform my tax returns from scary monsters into friendly ..read more

A firm of accountants (that shall remain nameless) wanted to engage their staff in an efficiency drive so that everyone understood the need to be careful with the firm's money.  The partners introduced a suggestion scheme facility and promised a prize of £100 for the best suggestion each month - in terms of a simple to implement money saving measure.  The £100 prize was only awarded once.  It went to an audit manager who suggested reducing the monthly prize to £50 ..read more

It's obvious you're an accountant if... ..you balance your family’s budget to the penny ..you’ve ever used a VLOOKUP function in a conversation ..you have a special drawer for tax papers ..you know the depreciation schedule for your car ..you always end up taking about tax issues when you attend a party  ..you analyse the cost-effectiveness of every purchase ...you consider a calculator to be a desk ornament ..you bring up tax deductions in casual conversation ..you create a spreadsheet to compare different mobile phone plans ..you ever analyse the cost-benefit of buying a cup of coffee ..read more

Conversation with a client... Me: "You've made a taxable profit for the year of £25,000. This means a corporation tax liability of £4,750." Client: "Is there any way to eliminate the tax bill completely? My mate down the pub said his accountant sorted it so he didn't have to pay any tax." Me: ? "Well, you could agree to pay me £25,000 in accountancy fees, then your taxable profit will be NIL. NIL profit = NIL tax  Disclaimer: Whilst this is factually correct, it is not how I do business (duh! ?) BTW The client knew I was joking! As told by Accountant Nicola J Sorrell on Linkedin ..read more

 Why people engage an accountant.... HMRC: You owe us money. It's called taxes. YOU: How much do I owe? HMRC: You have to figure that out. YOU: I can just pay what I want? HMRC: Oh, no. We can guess how much you owe. But you need to guess it first. Or work it out properly - which we prefer. YOU: What if I get it wrong? HMRC: We'll fine you or send you to prison! YOU: I need help ..read more

Accountants frequently ask new clients to either bring their passport into the office or to supply certified copies. It's a requirement of the anti-money laundering regulations. An accountant told me recently that a new client recently sent him a package.  On opening it the accountant found a copy of the client's passport. What else?  Another one. Same as the first.  And another, and another.  Indeed the package simply contained almost 3 dozen photocopies of the client's passport.  None had been certified by a solicitor - or anyone. The accountant called the client ..read more

 The titles were cleaned up eventually of course! VAT's the way uh-huh uh-huh I like it  Greedy Woman by Roy Orbison  I want it tax free - by Queen  Hello, is it me money you're looking for?  I'd do anything for love (but I won't pay tax)  The Long and Winding Fraud  Save your tax exemptions for me - by the Brotherhood of (the Isle of) Man  Got to get you into my life (so I can claim the relevant deductions)  Leaving on a Jet Plane - having paid no VAT on it  My Tax Breaks bring all the rich to the yard  I'm going to Barbados  Tax ha ..read more