In modern parenting, parents often think about how to meet their child’s emotional needs. But how often do we consider our emotional needs as adults or whether our core emotional needs were met sufficiently by our caretakers when we were children? Many of us may not even be in contact with what our core emotional needs are, having developed extreme self-sufficiency or because it’s hard to know what we’re missing if we’ve never had it. You may even feel like you are needy when you come into contact with your emotional needs or don’t deserve to have your needs met. Most of the clients I see have ..read more

The pathway to recovery and health from trauma and related mental health conditions requires the development of self-compassion through a caring part of self that acts like a caring, wise parent. For those of us who struggle with emotional well-being and relationships, our inner critic tends to be strong. Excessive self-criticism is often at the heart of what is blocking us from the health and happiness we are longing for. We all have a vulnerable part that holds our pain and schemas. When our inner critic punishes us for having painful feelings or thoughts, we will generally become more distr ..read more

When our maladaptive schemas are activated it feels painful and our critic may punish us. In schema therapy schemas are defined as “broad, pervasive themes regarding oneself and one’s relationship with others, developed during childhood and elaborated throughout one’s lifetime, and dysfunctional to a significant degree.” Many people develop a way of being in the world, also known as a coping mode, that helps them to avoid coming into contact with or activating their schemas. By doing so, they are able to reduce or completely avoid the pain associated with their schemas. In schema therapy, a co ..read more

In therapy many people learn to access and compassionately understand their feelings, beliefs and behaviours, sometimes for the first time. To do so, they must be able to access their vulnerable part, or as it is called in schema therapy, the vulnerable child mode. The vulnerable part is the part of us that formed in childhood and holds our emotional pain as well as the beliefs and patterns of behaviour we formed due to difficult childhood experiences. These experiences can be things like abandonment through death or separation, physical, sexual or emotional abuse, bullying or parenting that w ..read more

Many of us are aware of an inner voice that comments during our daily life. It’s not uncommon to find that some of the inner commentary experienced by my clients is self-critical in nature. My clients often believe their inner critic is necessary for a variety of reasons, with many stating they need their inner critic for motivation, staying on task or being a moral person. Despite what some people see as the helpfulness or necessity of their critic, the problem is that the critic is often the very thing that makes it hard for us to get our needs met. It keeps us stuck in old self-defeating pa ..read more

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Do you tend to be rational at all times? Do you struggle to be spontaneous, silly, and in the moment? Do you rarely express feelings? Do you inhibit one emotion altogether? When you have emotional inhibition you struggle to express your authentic feelings. This schema develops in childhood usually to avoid punishment or disapproval for feelings that are not tolerated in your family. Sometimes it occurs due to over-protective and rigid parenting that discouraged play and spontaneity. As defined by Jeffrey Young the emotional inhibitions schema is the excessive inhibition of spontaneous action ..read more

Do you feel like you don’t fit in, that other people don’t warm to you? Do you tend to assume that you are weird and so different that you won’t be welcomed into a group? Or that you don’t belong anywhere? The social isolation/ alienation schema is very common and develops out of a number of circumstances. Perhaps your family wasn’t inclusive and accepting of who you were. Maybe you had difficulty making friends or were bullied at school Perhaps you were raised in a community where you felt fundamentally not accepted due to differences in temperament, race, ethnicity, sexuality or disability i ..read more

Most commonly seen in people with anxiety , the vulnerability to harm and illness schema fills you with constant worry and fear about a range of things that could go wrong. Typically people with the vulnerability to harm and illness schema focus on fear about illness, safety of themselves. This schema whispers: “what if it’s not a headache, it’s a brain tumour?” “what if I let my child godown the slide and they break their leg?” “be careful with your money, or you’ll end up poor and destitute” “what if the boat sinks/ the plane crashes?” “if you don’t triple check the locks, someone will break ..read more

This is one of my favourite meditations for helping my clients learn to safely observe, experience and befriend their emotions and body sensations ..read more