Have you ever spaced out when someone was talking to you? Or have you ever talked to someone who you had a feeling wasn't listening? They were somewhere else. Listening attentively is a capacity and skill that many don't have. And, it's typical for one person in a couple to be a better listener than the other. Sadly, a lapse in listening can result in pain and disconnection -- the one sharing left alone feeling neglected, abandoned, or humiliated. Pouring your heart out to someone who tunes out mid conversation could surely lead to strife. But it's also an opportunity for greater unders ..read more

Understanding and working with emotions is key not only for health and personal wellbeing, but for being maximally effective in the workplace. I am honored to share this book excerpt by author and communications consultant Lee Carter on how to utilize emotions and the Change Triangle tool for emotional health to more effectively communicate and persuade others in the workplace. An excerpt from the book ,,Persuasion by Lee Hartwell Carter Mastering your emotions is incredibly valuable for anyone attempting persuasion in a potentially triggering context. I met with psychotherapist and emoti ..read more

Sheila was raised to be a "good girl." To her that meant always being kind, helpful, and forgiving. For example, even when she was exhausted, she'd make daily dutiful calls or visits to ailing friends and family. She could never prioritize herself. The guilt was too unbearable. Sheila felt anxious most of the time. She recognized her anxiety by a low level vibration that she felt throughout her body and a persistent knot in her stomach. In our first session, I taught Sheila how to deep belly breathe to help calm the anxiety so we could find the emotions and conflicts that lay underneath. I exp ..read more

I wanted to share a personal example of working the Change Triangle to overcome perfectionism about my body in case it is helpful. For years I lamented my curvy figure. I wanted to be flat-chested and look like a boy or a model. I thought I was fat (I wasn't) and dieted like crazy. The idea that I had to be thinner was a defense against my insecurities about my body. In the last ten years, I was determined to change and accept myself. Childhood Influences I was the first of my friends to go through puberty. At nine years old my body changed. I got chubby. My friends all looked the way that I ..read more

How many of these perfectionistic standards do you have? I never should upset others. I have to have a perfect body. I have to be perfectly strong with no emotions. I have to be good at everything I try. I can never say “I don’t know.” My house has to look perfect. I can never make a mistake. I can never confess to being scared, sad, or angry. I can never confess to feeling like a fraud. I can’t bear being seen as having less than others. I can’t bear being seen as having more than others. It’s not ok for my children to struggle or fail. Add another way you need to be perfect here: __________ ..read more

It’s all about the long game to foster mental health. Here’s a quiz: What emotions do you imagine a child is experiencing when they pronounce their hatred towards someone? Anger? Sadness? Fear? Shame? Answer: Any or all of the above. One of the toughest parts of parenting is managing emotions: your emotions, your kid’s emotions, and the emotions of those in the rest of the household. When your child screams "I hate you!" or "I hate X!" (whether X are siblings, teachers, or friends), it’s time to pause. Pausing instead of impulsively reacting opens a space for applying empathy and responding in ..read more

,Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom,. - Aristotle Lillian, a patient of mine, didn’t know who she truly was. She lacked a sense of self. At any given moment of the day, she struggled to know what she felt, what she needed, what she wanted, and what she desired. Equally important, she struggled to know her limits and boundaries and what she did NOT want or like. “I feel like a shell,” she said early in our work, “or sometimes like a willow tree. I feel blown around by the winds of life.” Lillian felt directionless. Lillian didn’t have any confidence even though she had proven hers ..read more

Ever feel guilty for winning? Ever feel guilty for being smarter than a friend? Ever feel guilty for getting a promotion? Ever feel guilty for getting into the college that was your first choice? Ever feel guilty for being alive when others have died? Ever feel guilty for having good health? Ever feel guilty for being successful? Ever feel guilty for having privilege? Ever feel guilty for having more money? Ever feel guilty for being able-bodied? Join the club! Having something that others want or need can bring up a mixed bag of feelings. Opposite feelings can and do co-exist inside all ..read more

Mark Groves from Create the Love and the Mark Groves Podcast writes, “Every single human has surely suffered with feeling invalidated for their emotions." Sadly, our early experiences with emotions involved us being told to "get over it" in one way or another. Many of us have never really learned the true anatomy of our emotions. As I talked about with Mark, we can build our lives around avoiding the true feeling of our emotions. Fully embracing emotions like anger and hurt means going against our conditioning, and some of these emotions seem downright scary. Could we end up lashing out in ra ..read more

I was anxious as a kid. To avoid my worries, I focused on schoolwork and after-school jobs. At that time, I had no idea my anxiety had meaning and there were things that I could learn about my mind and body that could help me diminish the anxiety I felt in the long term. I was almost 40 years old before I first came across the Change Triangle. This tool and map for healing was something I learned in my training to become an AEDP psychotherapist. AEDP, or accelerated experiential dynamic psychotherapy, is an empirically-validated, healing-oriented, emotion-centered, trauma-informed method grou ..read more