A few weeks ago, our cat fell ill, baby violins, please. We first became aware of this when she came into the house making this disgusting choking/retching sound. After a little while these outbursts calmed down, however, she wasn’t eating. Worried she might be on her way out we rushed her to the vet. Well, I say rushed, we left it a couple of days hoping that she would, ‘heal thy self’ and we would avoid a costly vet bill. But when the food in her bowl started to attract flies, we knew there was a problem.  Then, we rushed her to the vet   The vet informed us that sh ..read more

Check out my amazing post on Frazzled this week. If you love it, follow me. https://medium.com/frazzled/20-things-your-kid-did-at-school-today-that-you-really-dont-want-to-know-about-51d0d9df04c6 The post 20 Things Your Kid Did At School That You Really Don’t Want To Know About appeared first on The Sarcastic Mother ..read more

A rework of a classic, with apologies to Jenny Joseph “Warning” Poem by Jenny Joseph — “When I Grow Old, I Shall Wear Purple” When I am rich, I shall wear Gucci  and a pair of trainers, that aren’t shit.  And I shall spend my wages on craft beer and Japanese Whisky   And decent make-up, and Manuka honey and butter.    I shall phone in sick when I’m tired  And not give a shit what my boss says  I shall buy rounds for everyone in the pub.  And make up for the poverty of my youth, and early 20’s  I shall get black cabs when it rains  ..read more

After an incredible three weeks in the Deep South, it was a huge blow to be ‘robbed’ at New Orleans airport on my final day. After this experience, I feel bound to warn other travellers about the dangers of the ‘Smarte Carte’ luggage trolly and its costly use.  Not that everything had been peachy before I encountered the Smarte Carte that is. Things had taken a turn for the worse two nights earlier when my overloaded, and sadly overweight suitcase began to expire.    Oh shit.   The material on the bottom corner, diagonally opposite the ‘pulling handle’ had frayed.  ..read more

It is early Sunday morning and the mother has woken up on the bathroom floor, her cat and a small spider appear to be watching her. They are deep in conversation, which is unusual, for a cat and a spider.   “Is this where she slept last night?”   “Yes, quite possibly.”   “Ah look, she has attempted to fashion some kind of bed around the toilet using a towel and her coat. She has even managed to make a small pillow using her T-shirt – clever Mummy.” “It’s not a very big bed, is it?”   “No, but then again it’s not a very big bathroom,”   “Ah, loo ..read more

It was Tuesday morning and the mother had had no work for nine days. Now nine isn’t a big number, and it is not a long time, but it is long enough. It is long enough when every day you don’t work you are losing £120.00 and when the bills just keep piling up. A day gives you eight long hours to worry, and most of her worries right now were about her financial predicament. She was beginning to feel a bit shit. It’s ok not to be ok. Well, at least that’s what her daughter told the cat every morning. “It’s OK, Esme, I think the cats alright, I don’t think cats get depressed, I mean they don’t exac ..read more

By St Josephine’s Ambulance Miss, My leg hurts  Give it a rub and I’ll get an ice pack Sir, My arm hurts Give it a rub and I’ll get an ice pack My back hurts  Do you want me to give it a rub and get you an ice pack? My belly hurts (11.30am)  You’re probably hungry, don’t worry it’s lunch time soon My belly hurts (2.30pm)  Try going to the toilet I feel hot  Take your jumper of I feel cold  Put your jumper on I’ve got a headache  Have some water I’ve got a stomach ache  Have some water and try going to the toilet. I feel sick  Go to the toilet My thr ..read more

AKA The reality of Christmas By Destiny Re-styled Uh (uh) You know Christmas? Was made for the children And don’t we bloody know it! On the eighth day of Christmas, my baby gave to me A pair of Primark gloves and a half bottle of gin On the seventh day of Christmas, my baby gave to me Some Vicks vapour and some Savlon for my feet On the sixth day of Christmas, my baby gave to me A snog before bed, and a minor STD On the fifth day of Christmas, my baby gave to me A poem that he sort of wrote for me Feelin’ that I feel is bluhh He makes me feel so ol – ol old If he only knew what he does to me ..read more

And how to deal with it It is Monday morning and the post has just arrived, bringing with it four ominous looking letters.  Something about them said bills, actually everything about them said bills, bills, bills. Debt and more then more bills. The mother, by now could recognize a demand for money from 50 feet away. Although one company had made a tenuous effort to hide its source by using a font that looked like handwriting, that didn’t fall her. Ha! Like she was ever going to fall for that.  She hadn’t had a hand written letter in two years!  Now there wasn’t anything particul ..read more

   The trouble with being a supply teacher is that you are always the newbie. Each time you get another assignment, you have to start at the beginning again. Now I have to be honest with you, starting work at a new school can be a pleasant experience. Some staff will welcome you with open arms and shout,   “Hooray, we’ve finally got someone to teach Year Three,” or even whisper   “Thank Christ, now, at last, I won’t have to do all the planning on my own.    However, not all staff will greet you with warmth and kind words and some will be n ..read more