This can actually be culturally and socially appropriate. We accept that teens do this as part of their identity formation and separation from us into their transition toward a sense of self in adolescence. We make jokes about “the teen years”, and many PDAers actually come into the world forming identity much sooner, believing themselves to be on par emotionally, intellectually with all people, of all ages. It’s not out of a lack of respect, but a non-adherence to age based social hierarchies, such as respecting elders because of their age; or complying with the requests of adults due to thei ..read more

This is an image of me, deep in the trenches, around a decade ago. My husband would message from work each day and ask how 'things' were. Some days, I couldn't speak. I'd send pictures. This was one of those days, and I remember and still feel that exact moment. I was in the bathroom, sobbing..again. I'm just shifting into recovery from that time around now. Lots of therapy, writing, singing, connection with Country. But back then? For six years, we were unable to leave the home as a family. I could count on one hand the amount of times I went anywhere. There isn't enough time or language or s ..read more

I've been reflecting on a powerful concept we discussed in our recent Q&A from inTune with PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance). The art of living in the now, especially when supporting our children. I relate to this deeply as a parent. We often find ourselves caught up in the future, fretting over what's to come, don't we? And it's not easy to look ahead, or to shift our thoughts elsewhere when we're caught up in supporting our children; particularly when in crisis. I shared a story about my own experience - how I practice, where possible, shifting my focus from wo ..read more

So many people unconsciously spend (waste) their lives working toward what they hope will be peace, one day. Work hard, then rest. Main meal first, then dessert. Wees first, then poos. (I made that one up because order hurts my PDA autistic ADHD brain). We’ve been taught to abandon our birthrites and any kind of true, deep, connected pleasure from life; unless we are financially privileged and then we can do whatever we like. But those of us who long for the deeper connection with earth, with the ones we love, are also those of us who take on that collective guilt and gaslighting if we rest. I ..read more

Hello, I’m here writing. It isn’t easy, and it isn’t complete. Be patient with me, please, as I figure out a way to communicate this internalised experience, these thousands of thoughts, these physical movements that come along with those things and the way in which I "say" it all. I am a parent of four autistic children. They are all completely different. And yet, not so different in their residual experiences of being overlooked, forgotten, misunderstood, misjudged, by a society that just doesn't get it. In our best trying, sometimes we just don't get it. If it's not our experience, or that ..read more

Walt Whitman said "When I give, I give myself". Both a blessing and a curse, this is something I am forever navigating and managing. I'm someone that loves to give, because it makes me feel good to see others doing well, and because I will *never* forget where I have come from, it's always been important to me to pay it forward. On the flip side is a history of grief, loss and trauma associated with not knowing when to quit, staying in relationships too long, always giving the benefit of the doubt and giving chances, even when I sense someone is not trustworthy. And here's the thing: I know it ..read more

I had a close friend and colleague reach out to me about six months ago to ask how I'd feel about them writing a book on parenting neurodivergent children. They know that I'm also working on this (insert laughter coupled with PDA) and honestly? I was pumped. If we truly are working in advocacy, if we really want to be building collective capacity and supporting individuals and families, why would we not want as many books as possible out there written on autistic experience from autistic people? Nobody can develop resources, programs, presentations, books and content on autism like autistic pe ..read more

We have a saying in our family: "PDAers don't make promises". It's a letting off the hook for all of us, because I can't tell you the amount of times adults try to bargain, not realising the demand that is wrapped up inside of the really exciting thing they get if they comply. "They PROMISED ME they'd clean their room if we got them a new bike!" I've heard all the variations, seen the confusion and observed how, even in our best trying, we often still believe we can sway our PDAers. Not being able to *do the thing* is not a choice. If it was, it wouldn't be 'diagnosable' or a disability. It is ..read more

(ETA: This is not about being against therapy. It is a piece on the problematic nature of generic frameworks thrown at autistic people, rather than a consideration of the individual needs, wants, preferences and if there actually is a need for therapies.) . . . When I hear “What’s the best therapy for autistic kids?” you know what I hear? Autistic people being dehumanised. Nah, I’m not kidding. I wish I was. And I wish I didn’t have to learn about the same therapies, interventions and approaches consistently wheeled out and served up to families…mostly the same, yet called different things or ..read more

Yesterday, someone trolled me on social media. That in itself isn’t the thing. That happens to autistic folks who joyfully resist the disorder narrative all the time. It’s threatening to some, to read my writings or hear me speak about my autistic pride. I was speaking about how so many people aren’t clued in to what an autistic person living without trauma looks like. The picture society has of an autistic person is largely built around that person’s trauma. The ways in which they stim, or move, or the sounds they make, or their behaviour being grounded in distress is often what people look f ..read more