During the finals of women’s gymnastics on July 27 in the 2021 Tokyo Olympic Games, all eyes were on Simone Biles. Not only had she won almost every single Olympic gymnastics medal in the 2016 Rio Games, but she had done it with hardly any skill at all. The arena seats around the gymnastics court were filled to a stunning 33.679% capacity, the most of any sports venue since early 2020. Everyone was ready for Simone Biles, AKA the “Goat” (whatever that means), to do the incredible. As Biles walked up to the plate to take a swing at her first vault attempt, she suddenly cried out and asked for ..read more

WASHINGTON, D.C.—On the morning of Monday February 15, 2021, Joe Biden signed his 223rd Executive Order, officially setting the record for most EO’s signed in the first month of a presidential term. (And since he still has five days left in the month, he has promised to deliver at least 100 more EO’s to heighten the record.) But this EO was different. The record that was set wasn’t what any U.S. Citizens were celebrating. Rather, they were ecstatic about the contents of the landmark 223rd EO. Last year, the White House got into hot water because of its obvious suggestion that white people are ..read more

WASHINGTON, D.C.—This past Saturday, 47-year government veteran Joe Biden announced that he has some big plans for when he takes the office of President on January 20, 2021. Among his plans were the Green New Deal, Court-packing, ending the filibuster, and free ice cream for all. But Biden surprised the entirety of America when he said that he plans to fake his own death so that Kamala Harris can become President, thus cementing her not only as the first woman U.S. President ever, but also the second black president, the first woman black president, the first president with hair that is shoul ..read more

CHICAGO, IL—In the midst of a growing distaste for women all over the world, a new revolution has come about to infuse the word “woman” into random everyday language. The Heisman Trophy will now be the Heiswoman Trophy, mandates will now be womandates, and people who live in mansions will now live in womansions. Also, in one of the most resounding acts in all of human history, House Representative Emanuel Cleaver uttered the phrase, “Amen, and awoman,” to close out a prayer at the 117th Congress of the U.S. “Amen” has rich roots in the etymology of language, meaning “so be it” or “truly,” so ..read more

WASHINGTON, D.C.—At West Potomac Park in our nation’s capital last Wednesday, it was found that the memorial for Martin Luther King Jr. had multicolored graffiti all over it. The graffiti was filled with blazing rhetoric such as “Black Trans Lives Matter!” and “Screw MLKJ!” Martin Luther King, Jr. is known for being one of the greatest civil rights leaders of the 20th century and one of the most well-known motivational figures in the category of racial equality. His actions and inspirational wisdom are widely known for helping to end Jim Crow laws in the U.S. However, his silence on trans iss ..read more

WASHINGTON, D.C.—On the morning of Christmas 2020, all was well in the White House. Holly was strung on the 1,072 Christmas trees spread throughout the house, and the rock version of “Jingle Bells” blasted from the house’s surround sound audio system. President Donald Trump had vowed the day before to post nothing to Twitter unless it was joyful, happy, or religious, so naturally, fans were excited to see the gentler side of this politics-driven man. At precisely 8 a.m. on December 25, a Tweet by Trump surfaced on Twitter. It was a photo of a red-and-green omelet (that liberals later claimed ..read more

In a virtual kindergarten classroom session last Friday at (the formerly named) Teddy Roosevelt Elementary School in Wilmington, Delaware, young kids were met with a surprise appearance from a random man named Joe Biden, who was wearing a mask on his face. “Who is that weird geezer?” one of the children asked as the session began. “I can’t tell because he’s wearing that HUGE mask!” Despite the confusion, the children were very excited and were squirming in their chairs as they looked upon the decrepit mask-covered face of the rando Biden through the distorted image of the Zoom call. Biden gre ..read more

NASHVILLE, TN—As the hours of Saturday, December 12 wore on, a college football matchup for the ages was coming closer to taking place. At precisely 3 p.m. (central time), Vanderbilt took the field against Tennessee at the egotistically-named Vanderbilt Stadium. Vanderbilt was short on players, because about half of its men are still being held in jail on charges of sexual assault that occurred two weeks ago when they “patted [an unnamed female’s] butt” and “bumped her bosoms,” but Vanderbilt was ready to bash some heads. Because their secret weapon, the tyrant Sarah Fuller, was in uniform. A ..read more

NEW YORK, NEW YORK—Back in July, New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez made a series of Tweets displaying her intense hatred of the fact that Goya Foods’s CEO, Robert Unanue, was a supporter of President Donald Trump. Apparently, Unanue had visited the White House and given a speech praising the President, to AOC’s wild chagrin. Unanue refused to take back his White House statement when AOC attacked him on Twitter. So naturally, liberals thought that AOC had destroyed both him and Goya. Oh contraire, my dear reader. Goya’s sales have soared since the “Great AOC War.” According to Un ..read more

EVERYWHERE, USA—On the heels of one of the craziest presidential elections of the modern era of the United States of America, a political group has become outspoken about their hatred for President Donald Trump. This political group is called ANTIFA, a super clever acronym that means “Anti-Fascist.” “Why did we originally name ourselves ANTIFA? Because we hate fascists. For instance, Donald Trump is a fascist. Since we hate fascists, we hate Donald Trump. It’s Aristotelian logic. Simple as that,” said ANTIFA’s leader, Benito Mussolini III, the great grandson of the renowned Italian dictator ..read more