My system is at war right now.  Is this more of a war than normal?  It’s hard to know.  Most of the time, we believe we are feeling the worst we’ve ever felt because we just can’t remember how bad we felt before.  That’s also a defender trick to convince us that we aren’t getting better.  That’s my long way of saying this war might be the worst, but it might not.  Either way, my defenders are terrified.  They believe I am going to die if I take any more steps toward visibility.  I don’t invalidate their fears.  I’ve had enough invalidation to last a ..read more

As a survivor of trauma, there is nothing more unnerving and disorienting than the process of recovering memories of traumatic events. I despise the unknown. It is difficult to acknowledge there are aspects of my own life of which I have no awareness. It’s scary. It means I am vulnerable because I don’t have all the information. This isn’t just something my scared inner parts have made up. It’s the truth. Dissociation is a beautiful survival skill which keeps us alive in childhood, but in our adult lives, it makes us highly vulnerable to repeated patterns and future attacks. I have learned thi ..read more

There is nothing more emotionally devastating than the weight shame has on our lives.  The desperation of hiding our shame fuels most of our controller’s behaviors keeping us from our rest and inner peace.  Shame drives much of our futility which keeps us stuck and spinning on our most purposeful goals.  Shame encourages our worst fears to spin around in our minds repeatedly as we wait for bad things to happen, things we unconsciously believe we deserve.  Shame has a devastating impact on our lives, but when we start to dig deep to the source of the shame, we can make the r ..read more

When I started my blog, I was excited to have my voice heard.  I felt like I had found my platform to say what I needed to say.  I had finally found a way to get past the obstacles to put my story out there.  At the same time, I was nervous.  After I posted my first blog, I was paranoid about the fallout.  I was sure someone was going to come and take me out.  I spent weeks in fear about the consequences of my actions.  I felt it was only a matter of time before they would stop me permanently.  My abusers had always threatened a swift and violent respons ..read more

As people grow cautiously optimistic about returning to some semblance of social interaction, many of us may be more concerned than we are divulging.  We may be feeling a bit more comfortable with our aloneness.  We may have grown accustomed to a slower pace.  We may have even liked the idea that we had an automatic boundary when it came to the toxic people that never seem to go away.  Opening our lives back up to others might be feeling a bit ominous.  How long before we are losing ourselves to the preferences of others?  How much time will it take to be totally ..read more

Anxiety is one of the most common responses to trauma.  Unfortunately, it is not widely recognized as a trauma related.  It is not always recognized in our systems because there can be many diverse symptoms.  And most symptoms can be seen as other physical and psychological issues.  Even when we do recognize our anxiety, we are often at a loss for how to address it.  It feels impossible to understand and alleviate.  When anxiety gets bad, it can feel like medication is the only option we have.  But we have other choices too.  There are ways to understand ..read more

I’ve had some good things happening in my life lately.  I’ve been taking some big chances and it’s been working out.  That sounds nice, doesn’t it?  I agree it sounds nice.  But I’ll be honest.  My system is in chaos.  My anxiety has been unusually high.  I haven’t been sleeping well.  My thoughts are racing.  I am stressed out.  I am more stressed out than when things are going wrong.  It doesn’t make sense.  But at the same time, it makes all the sense in the world.  For my inner parts, it isn’t normal for things to go well.&nb ..read more

I don’t watch much television.  But I have a habit of watching “This Is Us”.  I watch it every Tuesday night when there’s a new episode.  My controller tries to shut down any potential emotion, but for some reason, I always seem to manage to move my schedule around for an episode of This Is Us.  This episode was full of emotional moments (as they are), but I was caught off guard by the last scene of this episode.  I had not realized how much I could still be moved by the idea of family support.  I had not realized that there was still a part within me who still co ..read more

Complex trauma teaches us how to survive in the most difficult circumstances.  It teaches us how to stay alive when the odds are against us for extended periods of time.  We learn to make survival our most important priority.  We learn that nothing else in life really matters at all.  We learn which parts of self are most likely to keep us alive and we give them priority.  And we learn which parts of self are dangerous and we shut them down.  We lock them away for good (or at least that is the plan).  Complex trauma turns us into machines with no consideratio ..read more

This might sound like an ominous title for a blog.  But I promise it has a happier ending than it seems.  One of the most common statements from my clients is that they want to be who they were in their twenties.  They had so much energy.  They got so much done.  They felt so good.  They just want to go back to that place where they can get all the things done.  I get it.  I was the same way in that third decade of life.  My trauma was bubbling underneath the surface, but my controller was strong.  They were super-strong.  They would push ..read more