Toronto — Just one day after Wiarton ON officials admitted that Wiarton Willie, the weather-guessing groundhog had actually died before Groundhog Day, Global News is finally admitting what had long been suspected that their on-air weatherman actually died before Groundhog Day as well. “With everyone coming clean about who died and when, we just felt it was the right time to put the rumour to rest that our weatherman is indeed deceased,” Global spokesman Natalie Fuentes told us. People started to wonder why he would point to the weather maps, but never say anything. The strings attached to ..read more

Toronto — Just one day after Wiarton ON officials admitted that Wiarton Willie, the weather-guessing groundhog had actually died before Groundhog Day, Global News is finally admitting what had long been suspected that their on-air weatherman actually died before Groundhog Day as well. “With everyone coming clean about who died and when, we just felt it was the right time to put the rumour to rest that our weatherman is indeed deceased,” Global spokesman Natalie Fuentes told us. People started to wonder why he would point to the weather maps, but never say anything. The strings attached to his ..read more

Toronto — Team Canada announced today that they are just going to tape a real maple leaf on each hockey player’s jersey for the Beijing Olympics after backlash from their original design brought out all the home botanists from their caves. They are claiming that the logo looks like a leaf from a London Plane tree, not a Maple which really has these amateur botanists up in arms. We have people who can’t tell the difference between an acorn and a chestnut now referring to the Maple tree by its scientific name Acer in order to show their dismay over the logo looking like a Platanus x acerifolia o ..read more

Toronto — Gertrude Paulson, a resident at Orange Acres Retirement Home has finally fessed up about not being able to get up from a fall earlier in the morning. After a few prodding questions by the attending support worker, she admitted that the slight fall was real but the part about not being able to get up was a stretch of the truth. “I wanted my morning medication and you guys seem to pay more attention to us when we’re on the floor yelling ow ow ow!” she told the PSW. “I could have got up on my own but it would have been a lot of work and I would have had to use the bed to guide myself up ..read more

New York — For the 47th straight year, People Magazine has been crowned Sexiest Magazine Alive by People Magazine beating out perennial favorites such as Better Homes and Gardens and MAD. This achievement adds to their record-breaking run making it the go-to place for sexiness. Better Homes and Gardens really tried hard this year posting the sexiest pictures of Beets they could find and pulled no punches when they secured Jesse Tyler Ferguson for one of their covers. Their effort was phenomenal, but they just couldn’t contend with People securing the sexiest man alive once again in Paul Rudd ..read more

Richmond Hill — National coffee chain Country Style no longer knows how else they can get it through Michael Cera’s head that they don’t want to collaborate on new flavours of Country Bits, their version of a Timbit. The trend right now is for coffee chains is to get the hottest Canadian stars of 2010 to hawk cake chunks to nostalgic coffee fans and Michael Cera has made the case to Country Style that he is right for them. They have denied his requests by phone, email, in person, on Facebook, over Twitter, and by an airplane towing the word NO but he is persistent. He has tried to woo them by ..read more

Air Canada CEO Michael Rousseau says what he thinks about Cirque Du Soleil coming back to Toronto for the first time since the pandemic started. From The Vault Canada Wage Increase For Prime Minister and MP’s Barely Covers the Cost of Living Large April 1, 2021 Ontario Long Haul Trucker Holding Bottle Of Urine Seemingly Unimpressed By Ontario Legislation Requiring Washroom Access October 20, 2021 Entertainment Jeopardy Drops Nun From Hosting Consideration After Decades Old Confession Emerges Revealing She Once Had Impure Thoughts September 7, 2021 Sports “This Is Rigged ..read more

Wawa — The mayor of Wawa, a small town in northern Ontario, known for its giant goose monument is once again asking visitors passing through town to stop feeding it giant pieces of bread. “It’s not a real goose so every piece of giant bread that you throw to him ends up on the ground and it is attracting giant seagulls which is causing a lot of problems for groundskeepers all over town,” the mayor told us. “All the bread they eat has to come out somewhere and our car windows are suffering the consequences.” Currently, a municipal worker has been going out in his giant truck with a giant shovel ..read more

Edmonton — The comments in a Sportsnet.ca article can often consist of angry people pledging their allegiance to their favorite hockey team simply by bashing rival players and teams. Fans will defend their team and the players no matter what the story was about and use profanity-riddled rants to get their points across. It’s hard to find anyone with a credible opinion with people having such a biased view of hockey-related matters. That was the case this weekend after the news broke out that Calgary Flames forward Matthew Tkachuk would receive a fine for high-sticking during a game with D ..read more

Calgary– Things just went from bad to worse for major Canadian airline CEO’s after the head of Westjet proudly admitted he has enjoyed a large coffee from Starbucks every morning for the past 14 years and has never in his life used the word Venti until today. “I just order an extra large Pike Place Roast and I get an extra large Pike Place Roast. I’ve seen the word Venti on the menu but I didn’t quite know what it meant so why change what’s been working?” Westjet CEO Ed Sims told us today. On the heels of Air Canada CEO Michael Rousseau telling everyone that he has lived in Montreal for 14 yea ..read more