Hello there, situation normies! I loved the comments from last week’s story, Ask your doctor if David Lynch is right for you. Many of you leaned into the premise and shared your choices for directors to direct your dreams. I’m pleased to report that the Situation Normal community has excellent taste, but of course, I already knew that. Kudos go to who chose Robert Rodriguez to direct his dreams and who picked Stanley Kubrick. Your subconscious better be fortified as fuck if either one of those auteurs is going to direct your dreams. I’m also pleased to report that my crime spree continues. I f ..read more

Hello there, situation normies! I write Situation Normal on Friday mornings, but I took last week off because Christina and I spent the day at Disneyland with our friends Chelsea and Ryan and their lovely daughters, Eliza and Maren. Despite consuming more sugar than their parents would’ve liked, the girls never lost their shit. So a big Magic Kingdom shout out to Maren, who used a bubble-blowing wand to make everyone’s time waiting in line magical, and Eliza who went hardcore on the teacups. Shout outs are also in order for Missy F and Peter G, the two newest paid subscribers at Situation Norm ..read more

Hello there, situation normies! I got so many lovely responses from last week’s story, Getting mental health help can drive you nuts. I appreciate the kind words and good vibes. I also want you to know that a lot of people shared their own mental health struggles. We are not alone! You probably know that, but if you struggle with mental health, you also probably know what it’s like to feel alone with your problems. If last week’s story made you feel seen, I’m glad. Also, I plan to write more about mental health. In fact, today’s story has a mental health angle. And for those who are wondering ..read more

Hey there, situation normies! Many of you had thoughts about My stubborn gardener, who probably isn't an assassin. My friend Ashlie told my sister, Allison, to tell me that the man who assassinated Leon Trotsky posed as a gardener. I suppose that goes to show you that there are no original ideas. As for the decision to mutilate the Mexican sage, or kill the thread grass, Tab had the best advice: “Keep the sage. It’s a plant with a history. Nobody ever cared enough to write a book or produce a movie about Riders of the Thread Grass.” Shout out time! Thank you, Amber S. for sending money via Pay ..read more

Hey there, situation normies! Many of you asked for a follow-up on The barber who quit acid for Lent. I promise to do my best to find out if her student loans were forgiven, but please keep in mind that Alice isn’t my regular barber, and I don’t get regular haircuts. Stay tuned. Meantime, I want to give a big shout out to Ed M., who bought an annual Situation Normal subscription, even though Situation Normal stories are free. “My wife and I read your stories every Sunday over brunch,” Ed wrote. “You make us laugh, which puts us in a good mood. Thanks for everything you do!” You’re welcome, Ed ..read more

I love talking to barbers, but I hate getting haircuts. It’s a minor paradox in my life, but unlike my curls, I’ve never bothered to untangle it. Point is, I got my first haircut of 2024. The results were good, but the conversation was better. “You got a real Jerry Garcia vibe,” the barber said. “Great hair.” My barber was Alice. She had a raspy smoker’s voice. Her hair color was somewhere between a ruby and a carrot. A gold cross dangled from her neck. “Thanks! I need it to be more Francis Ford Coppola, but not Apocalypse Now Coppola. Too wild. Think: Godfather Coppola.” “Great flicks. You a ..read more

I saw the shit hit the fan in the morning while I was scrolling LinkedIn. The LinkedIn algorithm had served me a conversation between two tech bros who were talking about a news story from a foodie website. Wendy’s, the fast food chain, planned to introduce “surge pricing.” Basically, AI would change the price of your hamburger, based on market demand. Tech Bro #1 said it was a “gangsta move,” but Tech Bro #2 disagreed. “It’s a baller move,” he wrote. “That’s the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard,” Christina said. “So Wendy’s is dead to you?” I asked. “I’ll miss the baked potatoes.” Christ ..read more

Three-day weekends are glorious, but you pay the price the following week. For one thing, Tuesday feels like Monday, Wednesday feels like Tuesday, and by the time you get to Thursday, the week feels like mush. Also, the abridged week means longer work days because, well, you still have to get shit done (GSD). On Tuesday morning, I was scrambling to GSD, when I heard a trash truck come thundering down our street. Makes sense, I thought at first, the trash guy also needs to GSD. But then I thought, what’s he doing here on a Monday? Trash day is Tuesday. I ran to the window. All of our neighbors ..read more

The telemarketer says he’s looking for Martha. “Martha Washington?” I ask. “No, Martha Ramos.” “That’s her maiden name. She married me and became a Washington.” “And who are you?” “George,” I say. “I’m George Washington.” “Well, is Martha there?” “Yes, but she’s quite busy brushing my wooden teeth at the moment.” “Well, I'm calling to offer her a great deal on a mortgage refi.” “Mortgage?” “Yes, I see that she owns a property in Los Angeles.” “Actually, it’s Mount Vernon, Virginia.” “My mistake.” “I’ll say.” “Do you happen to know what your current interest rate is, George?” “I don’t. Marth ..read more

I ask the barista how it’s going. “Honestly?” he asks. “If you feel like telling the truth,” I say. “Or, you can lie to me. I won’t know the difference.” The barista lets out a heavy sigh. “I have this overwhelming sense of doom.” “Yikes! Have you thought about switching to decaf?” “I haven't had any coffee in months,” he says. “So this is real doom shit?” “This is real doom shit,” the barista confirms. “Is it politics?” I probe. “Politics can mess anyone up.” “No, it’s bigger than politics.” “Personal tragedy?” “Nah, life is fine. Except, you know, for the doom.” “This isn’t a sports thing, i ..read more