**This post contains affiliate links which means that, if you purchase through them, I may earn some money which is a great way to support any current and future shenanigans. Thank you!** For every one of my son’s birthdays, we’ve always had a fun party theme, but as he gets older, finding ones he thinks are “cool” are getting harder and harder. For his 12th birthday, he requested a SCP Foundation theme, so I searched Pinterest and found close to nothing. And then, I found myself asking, “What the hell is the SCP Foundation?” What is the SCP Foundation? The SCP Foundation is sooort of like Th ..read more

Fucking pinch me, you guys. I’m an author! Two years ago, I submitted a book proposal to Chronicle Books after months of receiving rejection letters and total silence left and right. I’d been holding off on pitching Chronicle – they were a dream publisher to me, there was no way they’d accept my manuscript. Like many of my great ideas, I said “fuck it!” I drafted up an email and I sent it to Chronicle. Mommy Cusses was a collection of pieces I’d written over the years, beginning while sitting outside of my son’s door when he was a toddler because he wouldn’t fall asleep unless he saw some po ..read more

Dear Single, Childless Girl In Her 20’s, Go enjoy your ho phase, henny. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time with a screaming child on my hip and a “sex on Thursday?” text to my husband on my phone. I’d blow some dick confetti in pre-kids me’s face, slap her on her firm, un-hemmorrhoided ass, and bless her on her body-glittered journey to get dicked-down. And don’t you dare come for me, pearl clutchers. You know deep down you reminisce about a different type of pearl necklace. What is a ho phase? According to Urban Dictionary (a super reliable source, I know). A hoe-phase is “a phase in y ..read more

I’m a sweary mom – as if you couldn’t guess from the name Mommy Cusses. I swear like a sailor because my dad was a sailor, and let’s just say I took to the song of his people. I delight in my extensive swearcabulary and discovering new, uncommon curse words I can apply to motherhood. But recently, I got to thinking – who were the original sweary moms?  I decided to look into the history of my foul-mouthed predecessors and was not disappointed. If you love history and a good “fuck” (the word, I mean – but if you love the verb, too, hey new bestie!). Some of these sweary moms didn’t have sp ..read more

This post contains affiliate links which means I may earn a little wine money if you click on them. It costs you nothing and is a great way to show me a little love and encouragement. Thank you! If you see any shirts you can’t live without (I get it, I have like 5 of these in my closet!), please enjoy 10% off of your order with my affiliate link: MOMMYCUSSES) COVID has given a lot of people a glimpse into the fuckery that is stay-at-home/work-at-home mom life. One of the hallmarks of SAHM life is deciding what t-shirt you’re gonna wear to the living room each day. Granted, most days it’s the s ..read more

I was better as a “one and done” mom I met her at a BBQ, a mom I immediately recognized as a kindred spirit. She, too, was introverting – or maybe she was enjoying some coveted alone time while her kids were off being entertained by other kids. I sat down a chair away. I don’t remember what happened, or how. When you’re an introvert mama and you meet one of your kind it just happens – you start talking about the shit that matters. Not cookie recipes or summer camps, but the dark underbelly of motherhood. Even if you’ve just met because holy shit, adult conversation can be hard to come by! Yo ..read more

It seems like just yesterday we moms weren’t moms. We were young and single with perky tits, zero stretchmarks, and body con dresses, sipping vodka Redbulls and pop, lock, and droppin’ it from the window to the wall all the way to closing time with a gaggle of our best girls at the club. Now, we’re just pop, snap, and crackling as we step out of bed every morning to the sound of our kids screaming our names on a continuous loop from sun up to sun down. Every time I hear a rap or hip hop jam from the early 2000s, I wanna jump up on my coffee table, bend over to the front and touch my boots-wit ..read more

**This post may contain affiliate links which means that if you click on them, I may earn a little wine money at no cost to you** While I don’t condone criminal activity, I have to admit that when I came across these headlines, I couldn’t help but think okay, but this sounds like a damn good time/a kickass mom friend. Whether that’s accurate is iffy, but when you’re a lonely mom looking to make new mom friends or enjoy some free time, you’re not super picky. All I know is, I’d choose drinking wine out of a Pringles can over a fucking Tupperware party. If you’re not keen on doing jail time (it ..read more

Miss me with your, “But I’m just trying to be supportive!” comments because I know, fellow overwhelmed mom offering a high five to another struggling mother while gargling water as you drown from your own invisible load. I know you mean well. But that doesn’t help the fact that all of the virtual hugs in the world won’t wrap me up like a tortilla blanket while my sanity spirals the toilet and I take a deep-dive into mom guilt and self-loathing over all my perceived failures of the day. Solidarity is amazing but unofficial studies that I’ve made up show that telling new or struggling moms, “I ..read more

There’s nothing I love/hate more than funny stuff on the internet that makes me violently shake the bed trying not to laugh so I don’t wake up my family. If you’re anything like me, your mommy me time includes laying at the very edge of the bed super late at night, doom-scrolling the internet. Ear buds have become my new best friend because another one of my new best friends has become TikTok. Before you knock it, I encourage you to try it, but warning – it may lead to hours of getting absolutely nothing done, being bombarded with catchy ear worms, and ignoring your family. But it’s hilarious ..read more