I’m having a really low moment. This moment is full of grief over the loss of my best friend. I want to talk to him, to feel that comfort again. That comfort, however, is gone. He is no longer my best friend. Well-meaning people avidly protest our divorce, “But, are you sure?” They say. “He sounds very lost and confused, and it’s all so quick. Wouldn’t it make sense to just spend some time apart instead of getting a divorce?” These questions cause fresh wounds to rip open again. Deep in my soul, I know he no longer loves me the way he once did or he would be fighting for us. I think he has kno ..read more

I’ve always found small talk to be a necessary evil. An illusion to push past in order to get to the real stuff that matters. These days, I feel repulsion and anger when someone attempts to ask me about the weather. Of course, this anger is not directed at strangers. How could they know my state of grief? My anger mostly surfaces with friends who, with positive intent, feel it best to avoid addressing my current state head on. In my reflection of these friends, I know that their avoidance stems from an inability to be able to sit with my pain. They want it to go away. Maybe it forces their own ..read more

These days, I walk for hours on end, surprised at my own ability to remain standing despite my lack of sleep or appetite. Once I get going, it’s hard to stop. I listen, re-listen, and re-re-listen to Tosha Silver’s Outrageous Openness. I seek comfort in spirituality as I amble, not knowing where I’m going. The other day, I found myself at a nearby park with a child’s swing set. Relief swept over me as I swung back and forth. Nothing in my world makes sense anymore, and it felt comforting to actually have the outside world mirror my inward turmoil: the world whipping by as I swung, time speedin ..read more

A canker sore has developed on the side of my tongue due to stress and lack of sleep. It is one of the worst I can recall. The pain radiates to the back of my throat and into my jaw. The physical pain distracts me from the emotional pain and for that, I am grateful. When this sore is healed, will my emotional pain have lessened as well? I’ve spent the last few days informing friends of the news, friends that I know in my gut I can trust to be there for me. I will need these friends in the days to come. I tell them the story, laying out my confusion, laying out the facts as they occurred. Most ..read more

When you unintentionally cut yourself, you don’t immediately feel the pain. The shock of the situation arrives first, a suspension of time while your brain orients to the cut. This is often followed by searing, agonizing pain, a realization of loss. Finally, anger roars in, a defense mechanism against the pain. Anger provides the strength that spurs on action like a pissed off woman in labor mustering up the ability to push a melon out of a pinhole. Is this the pattern my emotions will soon follow? Where is my anger? When will it arrive, searing hot and murderous ..read more

It has now been one week since I flew down south to be with my sister. I awoke this morning feeling somewhat peaceful. The sharp and acute pain of my reality is settling in to an acceptance and specifics. Who gets to keep the car? Who will keep our cat? Should I go back to work or take short term disability leave? My days have been following a pattern: rise from slumber, wash up, put away bed, go for a three hour rambling walk, come home, eat lunch, do things on the computer, shower, get in bed, talk with my sister and watch TV until I eventually doze off. The days seem to march on though I am ..read more

Last night I got stoned in order to ease my anxiety around falling asleep. I slept better than I have since my world was flipped upside down. I say this as if I was a passive participant. In many ways, I was. In some ways, I wasn’t. I have been reflecting on all the ways I’ve seen Q not demonstrate commitment. I averted my eyes to keep from seeing the truth: that he could also give up on us, that he would cease to be committed to our marriage just as he had ceased to be committed in other areas of his life. I’ve been contemplating how my love for him has changed since he asked me for a divorce ..read more

It’s been nearly a week since Q asked me for a divorce. I have moved from shock to total acceptance. I had a call with a mutual friend of Q and mine this morning, and I feel like my eyes are opening to the realities of my relationship. This mutual friend believes Q and I were in a codependent relationship. Were we? The internal dialogue of my post-mortem analysis thus ensued. It’s clear that Q is lost. He doesn’t know what he wants in life, in his career, or with kids. Have I been the one constant for him in these past nine years? Did he place so much of his self-esteem on our marriage that wh ..read more

It has been four days since Q asked me for a divorce. Yesterday, I went to an urgent care in order to get some prescription sleeping medication. I hadn’t slept a full eight hours in a week. In fact, I was probably sleeping only three to four a night, with some nights containing no sleep at all. There I sat in the doctor’s office, feet dangling from the hospital bed, the crunching sound of the sanitary paper echoing in the empty sterile room each time I made one small movement. I’m sure I looked a mess. I hadn’t eaten or slept in a week. I sat there with shoulders slumped, periodically erupting ..read more