Well, Juan is down for the day and wanders into the opticians, for his Eye Test. The Optician asked him, what he can see..??? "I see an Empty Airport Empty Promenades, Closed Theatres, Long Queues at the Sea Terminal and many, many Closed Pubs." “That's perfect says the Optician", "You've got 2023 Vision ..read more

The madam opened the brothel door in Harrogate and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied, "I want to see Valerie." "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam. He replied, "No, I must see Valerie." Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The n ..read more

Why is the Catholic Church like Scooby Doo? There's a load of creepy old men in weird costumes scaring people with made up stories until they get arrested because of some pesky kids ..read more

A professor of medical school said to his students on the first day of class: "The most important thing to be a doctor is to be bold and careful!".   He put one finger into the cup of urine and stuff it into his mouth then handed the cup to the students asked if anyone can do it again. After a short silence, one student stand up and put his finger into the cup then stuff it into his mouth. The professor smiled slightly said:"Yes, yes, you are bold enough" after while he continued:" but it's a pity that you didn't look carefully enough, no one noticed that I put my index finger into t ..read more

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant ..read more

Heading for 70 and I have discovered my first white pubic hair, I just hadn't expected it to be in my Big Mac  ..read more

Father hears banging from the basement and wanders downstairs to what's happening. He finds his son Timmy pounding a nail into the wall. "Why are you banging that nail?" asks the father. Timmy replies, "it's not a nail, it's a worm. I mixed some chemicals from my chemistry set, put it on the worm and it became hard as a rock". "Tell you what son", says the father, "give me your formula and I'll buy you a new Volkswagen" Timmy agrees and next day he and his dad go into the garage to look at the new car. However, all Timmy can see is a brand new Mercedes. "Where's my Volkswagon" asks Timmy, "Beh ..read more

A heartwarming item from our Peel Guardian.     An elderly lady at the " Assist the Aged" lunch received a new DAB radio as a raffle prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humanity. Forward it to anyone you know who might need a lift today... Dear Assist the Aged, God bless you for the beautiful wireless I won at your recent Senior Citizens lunch. I am 87 years old and live at the St Anne's Nursing Home for the Aged. All my family has passed away so I'm all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady. My roommate i ..read more

Vladimir Putin, to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people. At the end of the talk there is a section for questions. Little Sasha puts her hand up and says, "I have two questions. Why did the Russians take Crimea and why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?" Putin says, "Good questions". But just as he is about to answer the bell goes and the kids go to lunch. When they come back, they sit down and there is room for some more questions. An ..read more

Why don't Afgans watch the news?   Because of the Telly ban ..read more