####### #### #### ######! crap! mine just got censored - U will have to continue the phrase ..read more

Luigi, the 62-year-old Italion stallion was sitting at the bar when a young gorgeous blonde girl sat beside him. ‘You speaka Italiano?’ he asked. ‘Si, a little,’ she replied. ‘Do you speak English?’ ‘Si, a bit,’ he said. ‘Inglese?’ She shook her head. ‘You lika bicchierino?’, he asked, miming a drink. ‘Grazie, si,’ she replied. They got on well together, laughing at each other's language cock-ups as they drank a couple of bottles of vino. Luigi asked ‘You lika come to my place?’... Read more ..read more

Lord, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway... The good fortune to run into the ones I do... And the eyesight to tell the difference ..read more

A guy joined a religious order where he would be allowed to speak 3 words every 5 years on the anniversary of his acceptance vows. After the first 5 years, he is summoned into the bishop's office and is told to speak his three words. He says, "Food always cold" and goes back to to his duties. Five years later, he is again allowed his three works, and he says "Bed too hard" and returns to his duties. Another five years go by, and his three words are "Robes too small" and goes back to... Read more ..read more

We wanted a bathroom fan, so I paid a guy to do it. Now she complains that it makes her uncomfortable having a stranger in there cheering her on ..read more

You think you've got it tough…..? I just got off the phone with a lady friend of mine who lives in northern Montana. She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is a frigid 32 below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Wind chill is an unbelievable -59. She told me that her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. She says that if it gets much worse, she may have... Read more ..read more

YOU DONT SAY Dawg ..read more

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s... Read more ..read more

Three old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by. One of the old Grandmas yelled out, 'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!' The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess my age!’ One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.' Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of... Read more ..read more

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears from Halloween, people will just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that ..read more