Where even to begin? So much has happened, and yet…nothing is different. Or maybe it is. It’s hard to tell most days. Maybe some day soon I’ll share what exactly has been going on in my life for the past two months or so, but I simply don’t have the energy or will to do that right now. I don’t have the energy for much beyond the bare minimum lately. I wake up, go to work, come home and crawl into bed. I’ve spent so much time in the same position in my bed for the past however many months that you can tell exactly where I lay, curled up in a ball, based on the sinking in of the mattress. It’s a ..read more

I’ve been trying to write something for this blog for a couple of weeks now, but I’ve felt so drained, both physically and emotionally, that it’s been hard to organize my thoughts. I doubt this will be a very long or interesting post, but just a little bit of an update instead. This past week, specifically the past three days, have been straight up miserable. No way to sugarcoat it. Things have been awful at work, awful in my personal life, and awful in terms of my eating disorder. I don’t think I’ve ever hated myself or my life, honestly, as much as I do right now. I know hate is a strong wor ..read more

2021. Finally, a new year, new – wait. Nope. New year, same shit. It’s been a hot minute since I’ve updated this blog, so I’m not really sure where to begin. I’ll guess I’ll start with now. I’m currently quarantined after being deemed a first contact with someone who tested positive with COVID at my work. So I’m supposed to stay home for 10 days before I can finally return to work on the 25th. I’ve been playing by the rules, but I’m so over it, it’s not even funny. And I’m over it for a couple of reasons. One, I’m so bored. And before you say anything, blah blah blah, yes, I know, boredom shou ..read more

I don’t even know where to begin. It’s 3 1/2 weeks post discharge and just about everything feels out of control right now. And I think we all know how I react when I feel like things are getting out of control… My weight is officially the lowest it’s been in a couple of years, so there’s that. Part of me is ecstatic about that, and the other part of me is nervous that I might soon start to slide down a slippery slope that I know in my head is dangerous and will only cause more problems than I already have. And Lord knows I don’t need any more problems in my life right now. But if I’m honest ..read more

26 Things I’m grateful for on this 26th of November. Jesus. Oh so thankful for Jesus. Not having to spend this holiday in the hospital. All of the texts, emails and cards my friends and family sent me while I was in the hospital. They meant the world to me. The incredible friends I made in treatment. The amazing staff that took care of me in the hospital, from my doctor to the nurses to the techs, therapists and everyone in between. My job that I love, and everyone I get to work with. For my tiny, perfect apartment with its Christmas lights in the window and 4 foot rose gold Christmas tree. W ..read more

I’ve been home for 5 full days now, and I don’t know what to do anymore. I just don’t fucking know. I thought that things would be easier coming home this time around, that something I learned in those 8 long weeks would have stuck with me enough to spark a real change. But so far, that is not proving to be the case. And I don’t understand why. Or maybe I do. I mean, I have a little bit of insight, I think. It’s hard for me to admit, because it requires being vulnerable, and I know that was what I wanted to be on this blog – raw, authentic, and vulnerable. So fuck it. I find it so hard to chan ..read more

It’s been a minute since I’ve last posted, mainly because I’ve spent the past 8 weeks back in inpatient treatment and have been too occupied trying to, you know, recover, to post. But tonight is my last night here, and I have journaled all along the way, so over the next few weeks, I’ll be updating this blog with treatment journal entries as well as current postings. I didn’t anticipate being here as long as I have been. I thought this would be a quick 2-3 week deal, 4 at most, but here I am, exactly 8 weeks later, still nervous to step out of the treatment bubble and back into the “real world ..read more

Do you know what it’s like to be told your electrolytes are so critically low that you should be admitted due to the risk of cardiac arrest, and then walk out of the hospital not even an hour later as if that conversation never happened? Rational Becca would never do that. The part of me that wants to live knows I should have listened to the doctors last night, as I now lay in bed still feeling miserable. But that part of me isn’t in control right now. The eating disorder is. The eating disorder says the doctor and nurses were being dramatic, that they don’t know what they’re talking about, th ..read more

I’m excited to be able to start this with a positive. This week Thursday, we were FINALLY allowed to come into our school building to work, and I’ve never been so excited to go. I got to see so many of my amazing coworkers who I haven’t seen in about 6 months, and it was just good for the soul. These past several months have felt particularly lonely, and it was nice to return to a sense of normalcy. In other news, I found out this week that I was officially accepted into the inpatient program and am now on the waiting list, where there is an approximate 2-3 week wait. It’s strange because even ..read more

Today was a hard day. A day I was hoping would never have to happen, or if it did, that it would happen months from now. I completed an assessment for more inpatient treatment. If insurance agrees, if the program’s medical director agrees (I’m half hoping they don’t), then I could admit in the next couple of weeks. There are so many emotions swimming around in my head, I don’t even know if I could identify them all. Disappointment, for starters, that I let things slide downhill so quickly. I think the reason it happened as fast as I did is because on the day I discharged, both the nurse practi ..read more