WASHINGTON -- The Biden transition team announced today that the president-elect's transition is nearly complete. Joe Biden began transitioning just three weeks ago and has progressed faster than expected. "When I heard that new presidents are supposed to transition, I wasn't sure what it meant," Biden told supporters yesterday at a rally in Toledo, Ohio. "In my day, a fella was a fella, and a gal was a gal. But these are different times." more The post Biden Transition! appeared first on Shitpostr ..read more

NEW YORK -- The New York Department of Forensic Biology announced today that the mysterious brown liquid that dripped from the scalp of Rudy Giuliani during a Nov. 20 press conference shares the same DNA as a famous General Mills breakfast cereal mascot. Test results confirmed what many experts had long suspected: Giuliani is, in fact, Count Chocula. more The post Count Choculani! appeared first on Shitpostr ..read more

NEW YORK -- Former journalist Jeffrey Toobin has launched a comeback two weeks after The New Yorker magazine fired him for masturbating on a Zoom videoconference call. Embracing his new image, Toobin has appointed himself spokesman for a worldwide community of masturbators known as gooners. Named for the grotesque faces they make while pleasuring themselves, gooners like to repeatedly bring ...more The post Goonin’ Toobin! appeared first on Shitpostr ..read more

WASHINGTON — The spirit of recently deceased guitarist Eddie Van Halen made a dramatic appearance in the U.S. Supreme Court today as justices heard oral arguments regarding the contested 2020 presidential election. The court was about to recess when the familiar sound of eight fingers tapping out a lightning-fast arpeggio filled the chamber. Blinding light flashed as Van Halen leapt through an opening in the space-time continuum and greeted onlookers with a deafening power chord. Flashpots and fireballs exploded as the guitar god hammered out an otherworldly solo composed in the hoary halls o ..read more

WASHINGTON — Millions of millennials gathered across the U.S. this week to cry publicly after a new study found that Generation Z absolutely loathes them. “We’ve known for a long time that Boomers and Xers hate us,” blubbered 35-year-old Ashley Patterson of Racine, Wisc. “We really wanted the younger kids to think we were cool!” Generation Z consists of people born after 1996, and its eldest members have recently reached adulthood. Their predecessors, the Millennials, are rapidly approaching middle age and running out of excuses for acting like infants. “In high school, my freshman English te ..read more

WASHINGTON — Millions of millennials gathered across the U.S. this week to cry publicly after a new study found that Generation Z absolutely loathes them. “We’ve known for a long time that Boomers and Xers hate us,” blubbered 35-year-old Ashley Patterson of Racine, Wisc. “We really wanted the younger kids to think we were cool!” Generation Z consists of people born after 1996, and its eldest members have recently reached adulthood. Their predecessors, the Millennials, are rapidly approaching middle age and running out of excuses for acting like infants. “In high school, my freshman English te ..read more

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — The Florida Department of Education announced this week that the state’s public schools have begun teaching the QAnon theory to students in kindergarten through twelfth grade. “Tomorrow’s workers are going to need QAnon training for twenty-first century jobs like militia leader and doomsday prepper,” said Florida Governor Ron DeSantis. QAnon supporters believe an elite group of cannibalistic, Satan-worshipping pedophiles are running a global child sex-trafficking ring and plotting against President Trump. The group’s alleged members include Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, a ..read more

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Boo hoo! That’s the sound of the California crybabies who passed a law requiring businesses to classify gig workers as employees. These anti-capitalist snowflakes want to tax entrepreneurs right out of business so they can pay more welfare to illegal aliens! I recently discussed this cruel law with Don Trump Jr. while we were shooting snow leopards from a Hummer in some shithole country. He told me about an anecdote that proves the law was backed by the deep state. CNBC, my favorite network, reported that 26-year-old Sam Lyon made over $8,000 by driving for Uber Eats for ..read more

ST. LOUIS — Opening arguments began today in the BabySoft Talcum Powder trial. Plaintiff’s attorney Kip Kipling addressed the jury first. “Ladies and gentlemen, my client has stage-four ovarian cancer and one year to live,” Kipling said. “Now, I could tell you that BabySoft Talcum Powder caused my client’s illness, and that she’s entitled to $25 million in damages. But I don’t want to play”—he leaned in and made air quotes—”the blame game!” Kipling paced the courtroom. “Sure, the BabySoft Corporation shouldn’t have sold a product that causes cancer. And lightning shouldn’t have struck my uncl ..read more

PORTLAND — Under fire for forcing protesters into unmarked vans last week, federal agents have switched to a tactic they hope will make protesters enter a van of their own free will. Special agents from the Department of Homeland Security on Saturday night began rolling up to protest sites in the PCH Prize Patrol van and waving oversized checks at suspects. Shitpostr did an exclusive ride-along. Cruising in the van at 9:30 PM, agents spotted three men tossing Molotov cocktails outside the Multnomah County Justice Center. After deciding the men looked too big and scary, the agents kept driving ..read more