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"A couple of beers will do you good," said Olive, "and then I’ll take you home for a bath. - Alf plunked his arm around Morris’s shoulder and caressed the top of his skull with his knuckles. “Bert’s suffered enough. Leave him alone.” After wrenching himself free, and rubbing his head, Morris grumbled, “You were in on that prank too, weren’t you?” “Work it out for yourself, smart-arse.” Morris rose on tiptoes and tried to put his face into Alf’s, but the top of his head still didn’t reach up to Alf’s chin. Olive slid between them and pressed them apart. “No fighting, boys. Bert needs a dr ..read more

The other day, Bert did a jigsaw puzzle in five days - Bert sat up and blinked. “I’m a doctor,” said an Arab. “You’re suffering from shock. Lay down, the ambulance is almost here.” The Arab struggled to push Bert back into the puddle, but Bert thrust back and sent the foreigner toppling. “I ain’t going to no hospital. Ain’t nothing wrong with me.” “So it seems,” said the doctor, shaking wet and muck from his robes, his voice monotone. “Nothing wrong physically, at least.” “I’m not daft,” said Bert, folding his arms around himself. He knew he wasn’t the brightest person in the world, but ..read more

“Lightning has struck him,” said the doctor. “His rubber boots saved his life.” - In the hazy moonlight, the black form lying in a puddle beneath one of Ye Olde Inn’s windows resembled a giant slug. Morris took a low stance and drew his rifle back, ready to drive its bayonet in for the kill. The lights blinked on, revealing the slug had limbs. Morris hesitated, and as he did, Alf wrenched the rifle from his hands. “It’s Bert,” he said, sinking to his knees beside his friend. An oil sheikh detached from the crowd and knelt next to Alf. “I’m a doctor, help me turn him onto his side.” Becaus ..read more

A friendly moon peeked at them from behind a bank of receding clouds - A deathly hush fell over the masquerade party at Ye Olde Inn. The only sound was the torrential downpour of rain, clattering like a roll of drums pronouncing the onslaught of doom. The massive creature staring at them through a window burst into flames and howled like a visitor from hell—and then it slithered out of sight. Everybody held their breath, senses fine-tuned, ready to run at the next sign of danger. A simultaneous flash of lightning and clap of thunder shook the building so hard that plaster dropped from the ..read more

A finger of lightning reached down and touched the top of Bert's head. - Naked except for his underpants and a thin coating of tar and soggy feathers, Bert turned his face to the night sky and shivered. The storm was right above. A crackling flash of lightning made him blink and the following clap of thunder rattled Ye Old inn’s windows. Those inside didn’t seem concerned. The soft music played on and the masqueraders carried on dancing. Then Bert recognised his fiancé, Olive. She’d dressed as Tinkerbell, complete with flimsy silk wings and glittery wand. She’d squeezed into an old-fashione ..read more

Alf was at the masquerade party over at The Stables, dressed as Batman. - Bert’s shift at The Cloud Mansion was finished. Alf should have taken over at 10 p.m., but Bert knew he wouldn’t arrive until after midnight. Alf was at the masquerade party over at The Stables, dressed as Batman. Bert suspected Alf would’ve liked to take his little robot, Crusher, with him, done up as Robin; but the young Cloud Masters didn't allow the robot to leave the estate. At least Crusher would be here to perform security duties. Bert’s two Alsatians had finally accepted that beneath his coating of tar and fe ..read more

A black pot bubbled on Sibyl's range, filled with a stinking brew of secret ingredients. - Bert sat slumped in his little dinghy, in the middle of The Cloud Estate’s small lake, and wondered if he should simply tip over the side and drown himself. It was his fiancé, Olive’s fault. Despite his objection, she’d insisted on going to a masquerade party later that evening, and the thought of her in the arms of other men made his heart race with jealousy. He’d tarred and feathered himself so he could go to the masquerade and spy on her. Now he’d dropped himself in a right pickle, scaring his frie ..read more

With Crusher almost close enough to grab his shoulder, Bert dived into the boat. - There was nothing else for it. Bert wheeled around, ran, and headed for the lake, choking and wheezing as he went. Not built for speed, he crashed through the undergrowth like a stampeding elephant with Crusher steadily growing closer. An undersized dinghy rested on the lake’s bank, half in and half out of the water. With Crusher almost close enough to grab his shoulder, Bert dived into the boat. His momentum sent it surging across the still water, like a speedboat at full throttle. He knew Crusher wouldn’t f ..read more

A feather flew into Bert's mouth and tickled his throat, and the only sound he made was a high-pitched whine and a barking choke. - “Oh my God,” screeched Sibyl, hands clamping her cheeks. “The slug has already eaten Bert, and now it’s trying to get Morris.” She swung the mace, smacked the shaft against her palm, and prodded Alf between his shoulder blades. “Either do something or get out of my way!” Alf was just as shocked as Sibyl. The nonsense about a giant slug carrying Morris away in his pickup truck and trapping him in the forest had been a prank. To actually see a giant slug, covere ..read more